I've spent my whole life focused on specific things: art from a very young age. My life has revolved around it home, family & management. I grew up in a family that started out as farmers that centered their lives around homes: Real Estate. My mother sold them, my aunt brokered them. My uncle built them. My grandmother rented them. An my dad remodeled buildings to rent. An I painted them from the age of ten onwards. Not very artist but practical painting!
I was so sick of painting versions of white by sixteen: I wanted to scream every time I opened a can of it.


But it did teach me to apply a skill I had from a very early age in the real world. My trade mark? My boombox playing in the background of everything I did. Music got me through everything. No matter how hard or tired I was. I had a belief in myself other kids my age didn't have. I could make a living at something I could do. It might not have been as artistic as I desired but it was a skill. Being a latch-key kid the rest of my time was spent watching my sisters, cleaning and managing the house. My life revolved around kids. After one of the adults got home, then an only then did I get time for art.

I didn't have a lot of time for socializing like other kids.I've spent my whole life focused on specific things: art from a very young age. My life has revolved around it home, family & management. I grew up in a family that started out as farmers that centered their lives around homes: Real Estate. My mother sold them, my aunt brokered them. My uncle built them. My grandmother rented them. An my dad remodeled buildings to rent. An I painted them from the age of ten onwards. Not very artist but practical painting!

I was so sick of painting versions of white by sixteen: I wanted to scream every time I opened a can of it.

I wanted to but it just didn't fit in the schedule. An I told myself, I could do all that after I turned 18. An I did. Partying became a “hobby” of mine. I took a bartender job up in Beloit just to get paid to socialize. Because if nothing else my childhood made me practical. The rest of the time I worked painting new construction. Staining woodwork. I worked Sharkys one nite a week, starting out as a “Shot Girl”. Graduated to full on weekend, an picked up another bar tending job at Rockton Wagon Wheel to learn “classy” bar tending. You know, mix something a little more complicated then Lady's Nite well drinks.

I didn't set out to open a bar.

But I did learn to mange one without meaning to. I got into retail management because I was a organized person. I didn't like a unpredictable pay check. Or working three jobs at once. Which I was. I went to RVC, took a certification course in accounting just to get away from what I considered at the time: a no where job. Just a phase of my life. It gave others belief in me that I could do more then just serve others or paint walls. I learned I liked practical sales, not sales jobs. I've been in retail management since. I believed I could manage millions of dollars stores. An proved it.

I believed I could. An did.

What I didn't believe I could do was sales. I mean, I knew I could because I watched my mother do them. She's good at them, but I also watched her go through the ups and downs of it. An I was actually very good at convincing people they needed another shot as a “Shot Girl” but I just didn't think sales positions where for me. I took what seemed to me the easier route: There's the candy bar on the shelf, I'll organize it. Clean it. Manage it. Make it look nice: You buy it if you want to. I'm not gonna spend my time talking you into it if you don't really want it. I liked PRACTICAL sales.
Not sales, SALES.

Or so I thought. I didn't choose to go into an Art Career because I was so practical about it. I wasn't into the idea of “starving artist”. I went into what I had learned growing up: Managing. Being practical. Being an artist wasn't going to make me a living. Only the best, an few make any real money in art. I ignored it as career option. Even though that's what I was best at. It just wasn't “practical” to believe I'd get any where in an art field. Except being a teacher. An I started to go that route returning to college in my 20's because I had a art teacher tell me: “If nothing else works out in art for you Dana, you can at least go into teaching.” Not even the art teacher, no matter how good she thought I was had a belief that there was any good way to make a living in art.

An here's the point of this whole piece: Belief.

What you believe is going to effect your whole life. I grew up being discourage from actually following an art career. I was encouraged to do art, just not to believe it would earn me much of living. I used the things I learned as a kid to guide my whole life. I grew up watching entrepreneurs all around me. I was taught I could turn something I loved into business that would support me an later on my family.. I was taught family working together is everything. An what I wanted to do for work, just didn't quit fit into being as successful as they had been. Or at best it was a “long shot”.

An you have to examine those beliefs you have learned or been taught.

I was taught to believe in myself, just not so much about art. Painting a wall is an art form. Believe it or not. A practical one. It's boring but can be therapeutic. An you can get so good at it you don't need a drop cloth or have to put up painters tap. But it wasn't going to provide me with income I wanted. It could have had I stuck with it but it was just too boring to a person who'd rather paint flowers on the wall. Or anything else that wasn't white. I'd do big jobs, commercial now an then to catch up on bills but it left me dissatisfied.

When my kids where born, I went into Home Daycare. Again being practical.

I wanted to be home with my kids, Do art when they slept. An got to use those business management skills I had learned. I believed I could do it. So I did. An I made a “okay” living doing something I could believe in. Being home for my little ones. Family: A Family Business. Again, my drive of wanting to do something, but having to be practical at making a living doing it. I had managed to get paid to be social parting in the 80s. An I managed to get paid to stay at home with my kids. Then, when my daughter was about six I got a phone call from my grandmother.

My dad had bought a bar.

I was the only one in the family that knew anything about running one. I was the only one that had any kind of retail management experience: Could you please go over there an help him. So, I did. I ran the daycare during the day. Worked at night running the bar. An picked up a huge commercial painting bid job just so I could afford to follow everyone else's dream but my own. An it was a success. Still is. I believed we could do it. An we did. As a family.

But when my father passed in 2007, an my children growing up:

I hit a full on depression because my whole life revolved around them. kids and managing things. I had spent years returning to college, learning computer programming struggling to raise the kids during it so I could be in a art field. An had landed right back into retail management. I wasn't doing art. An the only thing that got me through the grieving possess of loosing him and my grandmother was ART. I dived in head first into digital fractal art. I didn't care if it sold or not. Practicality went out the window. I had to do some art, or I'd loose it upstairs. I'd work my management all day an come home an do art all night. I finally decided by 2010 if I didn't figure out how to do something in a art field I was gonna go crazy. I spent my whole life revolving around managing this or that: painting walls an raising children. I had to get over this belief you couldn't make money in an artistic field. Everything I had learned an put to practical use over the years had been successful. Even parting. An not many can say that. So I had to get over this block I had. Or disbelief.

An it was deeply ingrained in me for some odd reason I couldn't make a living doing “art.” I'm still not sure why that it is, other then years of listening to people who are not artist tell me it was a impossibility to make a living doing it. So 2011 or so, I got determined when I was looking for a job. An it was bad. I was behind on a house payment. Pissed off what I had worked for was being taken away from me. An pretty close to getting my lights shut off. I just didn't care. I had to find a job that was going to actually be forefilling or go nuts.

You can only merchandise beer displays so much an tell yourself at least it's somewhat artistic marketing them an not flip the hell out on yourself. So I looked hard for something that would actually fit me. An got over the fact it was gonna involve sales. An FINALLY I found a job that incorporated everything I had spent my whole life invested in. And I didn't have to paint a white wall! Or get someone drunk to do it. A studio was looking for a retail manager. Must be good with children. Artistic a plus! We will teach you sales!

When I read the ad, I thought I had died an gone to heaven.

I've never been nervous at a job interview. I was at this one cause I wanted it so bad but practically needed it or me an the kids where gonna freeze to death if I kept up this craziness of wanting an art career. It was a god send! An it might not seem much to most, but probably taught me the most about getting over my phobia of not believing in myself having a career in what I loved. An it's definitely not for everybody. The hours are long, the attention to detail exacting an you have to really like people an socializing to do it.

It was a perfect balance of art, family and management for me. An I rocked it out of the park because I fell in love with it. Could believe in it.

I officially became the retail manger of a photography studio.

All my years of learning digital art, working with kids, family and the public in management had finally paid off. An I had some of the best years of my life doing it. I can't complain. But I will tell you it's not a job you can do if you don't believe in yourself. I don’t care how many guru’s you pay. It's not a job you can do if you don't believe in the art of it either. An it's definitely not a job you can do if you don't get over “art doesn't sell”.

I grew as an artist more my first year as a studio manger then I had in a decade.

Why? Cause the job makes you confront every self doubt you have ever had about yourself and your art. The first couple of weeks on the job, I didn't know if I was gonna make it. I really did have a lot of self doubt about my ability. And it was confronted by customers daily. People that loved what I was doing. I mean everything that could go wrong did. Right down to, the DM quit during my training. To not knowing how to even open the registrar on my first sale. I had to retrain my mind, to not be scared of sales. I had to make myself get out there every day on the floor an push myself to engage with people to bring in new customers. I had to get past being scared of rejection. I had to show people daily my work. I had to report in every day that I was in fact selling the art: photography portraits.

An to do that, you have to believe in it. An yourself. You have to have confidence in what you are doing. Something I had always had in every other area of my life. A belief.

You have to have a belief system in your life that works for you. Mine hadn't in one area of my life: art. An the job pushed me past a limiting belief, that art doesn't sell or can't support you. I kept looking for it. My whole life, an what I found was a self limiting belief that had to go in order for me to be happy. My life has been nothing but “do what you love” an the money will follow example. If it's not, you have to examine the roots of your value system an pluck all the self limiting weeds out of it. If you can't do that, art or the art of photography really isn't gonna be a career you can make it in. Your not just selling art, your selling a belief in it an yourself. An if your a slash an burn photographer selling it for less then portraits are worth your harming the industry.

It was very easy for me to get behind the notion that family memories are important an should be captured by a photo lens. An they are worth paying good money for. It was a lot of fun for me to get to part take in the artistic experience of it with others. I don't think I've laughed so much in my life. An there was nothing better in the retail world of being greeted by customers that smiled and where actually happy to see you. It was the perfect combination of life balance for me. But it took a lot of over coming myself to achieve it. An that all boiled down to belief.

So believe, but don’t be stupid about it.

Your looking at a girl that “followed her bliss” practically.

A woman that turned painting houses & buildings into a paid off home for her family. Turned a hobby of 80s parting into a rock solid tavern business. A mother who wanted to stay home with her children into successful daycare business an internet site. And manger that turned her artistic dream into reality that ended up running the district. It's never a matter of can you. You can. That just takes practice.

It's a matter of how to turn a belief into a reality. An that starts with your beliefs to begin with.

So take the time to examine your own beliefs. But believe: Because what you think, look for or invest your time in. You will find.

I got up this morning an turned on the old boob tube. The story that was running was about Facebook and how, you know it's all their fault “the russians” took over influencing the elections. Or that's how the story keeps coming across on major network TV to me. An I was kinda disgusted. Not with Facebook: But major TV media. They have an obligation to report stories. I get that but do they know how that is coming across to anyone remotely tech savvy? Which is the vast majority these days. Since we raised our children on it. Or maybe it doesn't... an it's just me but I tend to see it as bullying.
Huh?
Let's go back, before TV there was radio. It majorly influenced people.
It use to be the source you would go to. Get your news, most of it more localized. Before that all you had was newspapers. An if you didn't have that cause of being so rural, I guess you had the local town gossiper. Each had influence. Newspapers, radio then TV. Each grew from local, to major national influence. An each had it's “time” period where it was more of a influence then the other. All three of them managed to coexist. But most of the time, in my generations opinion they all kinda said the same things.
An the eighties generation: Mine.
We kinda got sick of being force feed what to think about what was going on. Then came cable, because there was a demand for it. My generation in particularly wanted to hear “what was happening” an different views on it. We didn't always want to have to be “politically” correct. In fact, a lot of us grew up on shows that explored that. It was our family time, sitting around watching shows: That challenged view points, stereotypes an previous generations stances on things. It taught my generation to question the authority of the powers that be. Why?
A lot because TV was challenging the old powers themselves.
But somewhere along the way, major TV networks seemed to stop doing that. They where the “head honcho” now. An to me, A lot of it became “fluff”. Mainstream. I never once watched what was suppose to be so popular to my generation: Miami Vice. An I hated what was playing on my local radio stations, with the exception of one that played rock but didn't or couldn't play anything new. It went under even trying to. The newspaper only seemed good for the comics to me. I wanted something different then mainstream. Things that challenged what was becoming the “status quo”. An why would I want to pick up three different things, all telling me the same thing? I wanted to learn new things. Hear new things. Make up my own mind about things. Not just follow three difference sources all pushing “popular” on me.
It was only popular because it was the only choices.
An what I liked to listen to, hear about, learn about was being bullied an kept off those sources. Or on so late I wasn't allowed to watch it: Like Saturday Nite Live. Then cable came along. It's why MTV became so popular: Suddenly I could listen to Van Halen. I could watch Motley Crue. I didn't have to listen to mainstream music. I could listen to what I wanted. I could watch debates on different points of views: like Phil Doungue all day long if I wanted to. I could finally watch different lifestyles an just laugh at yuppies an myself being young poor an struggling to survive. An if “mainstream” media wasn't my thing, I could get 300+ channels that might have something on it that suited me.
It was too much, an not enough --- Influence.
A quality me and my generation an ever generation after us has been dealing with since. Call us the generation that sorts through garbage if you want. Cause we are. We will sort through those channels to find something worth watching, listening to an hearing about. Or at least we use to. Just like the TV generation that got tired of the older radio/newspaper generation, ours is kinda take all three with a grain of salt.
The “PARTY” generation low an behold likes to learn.
An here comes the internet. A breath of fresh air for a lot of us. Cause If I'm gonna sort through a bunch of garbage, I might as well be learning something right? An that's exactly what I did through the 90's as an adult. Turned off the TV. Never bought a newspaper, an until the X & JJO came out I wouldn't even turn on the radio much. It wasn't until the 2000's I started hearing anything on it I'd like to listen to. An a lot of it's angry. You know why? Our generation kinda feed up with it all. That is why a lot of us turned to the internet in the first place.
Some place to go to follow those dreams. Learn.
An it's why Facebook became popular in the first place. Cause guess what? No one wants to get stuck learning from a dummy. Follow the smart people. It's what drew so many of us to it in the first place. An the masses followed. It's how it, Google an others became so popular to begin with. My generation is burnt out on “dumb”. Or at least I am. I migrated over to here as soon as I started seeing all the dumb on MySpace. Bad programming, bad blogs, stupidity, poor marketing. As soon as the garbage shows up, I an others like me leave. Cause I'm done shifting through it. Garbage.
An anyone with any common sense is too.
Which will get me to the point of this rant: the “russian” influence or whatever you want to call it has been on the internet all along. The anti America, it's all one big conspiracy thing has been around since Y2k. It's not Facebooks fault people are paranoid. Or that they have listened to “influencers” over the past decade or two who spout the end of the world is coming. These type people have been on the internet all along. Our whole generation, was taught to question, specially authority by a 70's generation. An most of us with any smarts, have taken the time to listen at least once to the different opinions or history spouted on the internet. It's where tea partiers came from sorta. People sorting through the Y2K propaganda and scare.
There are people on the internet, that started listening to that extreme “the whole sky is going to fall in chicken little stuff” that are crazy now. I've watch it over the course of decades. You take a generation that grew up feeling they where being told what to think, read, listen to, an watch, your bound to get a few that will listen to doom dayers. Trust me, I'm living with one that is exactly like that. It's all a lie he says. An he is a lot like that cause of the influence the internet has had on him. To me, he's a former coke head that ruined his life that wants to believe it's the government or anyone else fault but his own he's in the pickle he is at age sixty. He's so paranoid the whole world is out to “get us” that he won't even get on Facebook. An going through the 80s and 90s since you could be arrested for just smoking pot has churned out a lot of not so big on our government type people.
Which isn't Facebooks fault either.
It's a social platform. All types are going to be on it. Just like in the olden days of the internet. TV. Radio. Newspapers and Magazines. You have to sort out, who your going to listen to an who your not. Something my generation should be very use to. The problem is, influence itself. Big media is so use to having it: Influence. They forget they didn't always have it. Radio did.
An they don't have the grip they use to. Not that they really did. They just thought it was bigger then it was until they had a little competition. Because it--influence-- really lies in the people. Not the media. An as much as medias would like to control people like that they don't. You can't make someone watch TV. You can't make some listen to music they don't like. An you can't make someone read a bias newspaper. You can't MAKE someone respond to an AD. People respond to people.
They either like you, or they don't. Sometimes both.
An there's been plenty of people on the internet along the way at first I liked. Just like in real life, until I got to know them a little better. Then I backed off finding out they where a little to this or a little to that. Sometimes going as far to meet them in real life to find out they where nothing I'd get a long with in real life. Just like actors, artist or musicians. They might have some influence but not for long if I can't respect what they are about. Bitching about problems in our country is one thing, wanting to destroy it is another. An MOST Americans are not going to be influence by one pretending to be American for very long. I share artwork, techniques an knowledge about photography but it's RARE I've ever had a political discussion with anyone from a foreign land. Once, that I can think of an he was Australian. An at best, he just shared how his country an fellow men typically view Americans in general.
But back to the point, the last decade or so: most internet users have been anonymous. AOL ran this way. Most internet sites learned early on to protect their identities making them private. Facebook was the first to ask us to put out in the open who you really are. An what's happening now, is it's finally coming out who's been spoofing popular social medias for some time because of that. That's not Facebooks fault. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that's had to sort through garbage most of their life that there are people on the internet just like in real life you don't want influencing you.
To me that's common sense.
Call it a personal responsibility our generations had to bear since we where little like no other generations before us. An hopefully we have taught our own children to be careful of who they let influence them. Not everyone has a our best interest at heart. Let alone our country. We teach our children about this when they make friends right off the bat in grade school. Not everyone is going to be our friends. An even some of our “friends” really aren't. So why is Facebook being held accountable for a fact that just is when it comes to socializing?
It's not something you can change about living in a society. Any society.
You can influence someone. Big Media knows this, Hell, it was a book in the 70s: How To Win and Influence people by Dale Cartigene. I might even have a copy. LOL But you can't for long if you are not who you say you are. So this whole, nail Facebook to the cross thing is going to backfire on the people blaming them. They are just a platform for society to be on. They are not society. Nor are they responsible for what has been a internet flaw for over a decade at least: personal accountability. Pay attention to who you let influence you. Should you be? Are you being influenced in ways you had not thought about before? As far as who and what you let in your newsfeed on Facebook. Is grandma Salley really “bad” to be friends with? Or is my friend Joe, somehow harming me accidentally on social media without meaning to?
Facebook offers a free speech venue.
An as an American we should all be supporting anyone's right to say whatever the hell they want. Even if we don't like or agree with it. We can hear them but we don't have to listen or be influenced by them. It's our choice who we choose to listen to. Not Facebooks, Googles, the Internet, TV, Radio, Newspapers or Magazines. It's our choice who we let influence our thoughts. Our life.
An that's really what major Media is upset about. Why they are attacking Facebook. Or at least that's they way they always come across to me reporting a story about a tech company.
They don't have the choice. They have to report the stories, but they always seem to be on a rant about what a internet company is doing “wrong” The internet isn't regulated by the FFC folks. People can say an do what they want on it, as long as they aren't breaking into their neighbors computer. TV doesn't have the influence they once did. It's a fact.
The people have to choose thier source of information, even “influence. All anyone can do ethically is teach others to be careful who you let influence you. An that includes all those anonymous pages that run across your news feeds on Facebook each day. Or Google feeds.
I personally deleted all the people I had on Facebook once. I had over 1200 followers. My “influence” was about 50 percent reach in my local area. Call it paranoid, but I didn't like my feed. I didn't like what I was looking at ever day on Facebook. I deleted everyone but my three kids in fact because I didn't want to be influenced that way. I had only liked a few pages. But others on my feed, liked a lot of these anonymous pages. An some of them are funny, cute an inspiring. Others are just trash taking up my time an mind space. An it ANNOYED me all the trash everyone was sharing.
I didn't care how much “clout” (lol it's a site that measures your “influence” in social media) I had.
I cared about what I saw going on. The influence these pages where having on people an now me having to stare at what they where sharing. An some of it was “out there”. So, I left all “my people” on Google+ an deleted everyone on my Facebook profile. I just kept the 500 or so on my page. An you know what? I don't have to look at that negative garbage every day anymore. I can see PEOPLES post. An a few select pages that I don't mind influencing me or sharing. What I can see is what's influencing my kids. An that's what matters the most to me. I plan to have a talk with each one of them about it. Again. An again.
Cause if you pick up on a bunch of junk, that may seem funny at first: An I do think Rebel Circus is funny. It can influence you if you let it into a depressed state of mind if you see 50+ negative things every time you look at your feed. Pages like that are nice to share some, but if that's all you do: It's gonna depress you. An I seen plenty of people who did share that stuff all day long. I could myself. But here's the thing:
They are asking Facebook to monitor free speech.
An it's wrong. People have to monitor themselves. Not only in what they do & say, but who they choose to follow.
All TV, Newspapers an other media should be doing is reminding of us of that. Not ganging up on Facebook or other social platforms because they are a threat to their influence. All social media did is give a “channel” to everyone. It's up to everyone else whether they want to listen “your channel”.
An the one thing you can't stop is stupid people.
So educate others or give a genital reminder about being careful about the influences in your life. Teach them about how tailored feeds are. How they can impact your metal health. How they can become one sided, an unhealthy. Let the public know, Just like too much TV is unhealthy, so can be the internet or anything that you let influence you too much in a way that's not good for you. Speak of the dangers of having such a narrow targeted feed on social medias. But don't blame the platform. It's not the TVs fault a show isn't any good. It's the people behind it. It's not Facebooks fault as a platform that part of society will always show a ugly side. It's people. It wasn't AOL fault people used it to have affairs.
Facebook can't control people.
All they can do is educate people on how to avoid the pitfalls of using social media. An TV can do the same. But what TV should not be doing is saying Facebook is guilty of influencing a election. Otherwise, TV is just as guilty. Cause there is bias on it. LOL Just watch The View! Ha! People are always going to have opinions. People are always going to influence other people.
It's up to us personally if we want to just hear them, or listen to them. A big difference! But I'm not really going to watch TV bully the Internet. Or endorse Facebook should be monitoring free speech.
It's not their jobs. If they do. People will just move to a different platform. An that's all the Internet, Cable, TV, radio, newspapers and media are. Platforms. The only reason the internet is different: Is it's given a “channel” to everyone.
An there is a lot of “garbage” on it.
But saying Facebook is responsible to monitor people is a little bit too “Big Brother” to me. It's a little too FFC to me. Stepping into trying to regulate free speech. They don't have to provide a platform at all if they don't want to. The guys rich, an can just shut it down if he wants to. An go away much like AOL did. But another platform will pop up just like it did to network the masses together. Its human nature to socialize. An you can't FFC the activity of mixing socially with others. All you can do is teach others how to behave in a way that is acceptable to society.
And that technically isn't Facebook's “job”. It's just a platform more can get on then other medias. Seems like a job more for schools & parents: Socializing your kids. So educate. Inform but let's not blame. Its just how society is: A mixed bag of influences... teach people how they could be influenced by it without really being aware of it. Most get it, but if you don’t reevaluate it. Your feeds. Are you seeing what uplifts you? Or is it just a depressing an one sided? Feeds are so tailored, you could be being influenced by that alone. So think of it as food for thought. Is what your feeding your mind healthy?

Sitting down and telling your story can be a difficult thing for some of us: Not because of lack of ability to write or communicate. Those skills come easy to me but sharing myself doesn't. So answering questions about my art like: What's it mean? Seems to lead me into abstract art. A form of art I never liked probably for that exact reason. It's vagueness. Yet fractal art inspires me creating it because it's about color, mood, tone an they way our universe is set up. It's personal yet I don't have to get into personal questions.



Experiences early on in my life taught me opening up an actually telling my story was scary to live through. So I only told the full thing to a few select poor souls: It was usually my sister who was ready to pull her ears off, grasping for the door to get away an begging me to shut up. She needed sleep! LOL Because once I start talking to someone I trust: I just don't shut up. It's a family trait. My dad would rattle my grandmothers ear off, then she'd call me an do the same to me. I'd get off the phone an my ear would actually hurt from being on it so long. Yet, it's rare for any of us to even begin to tell our truth to another. Fear of hurting another feelings, not wanting to fight or argue, make yourself look bad or others look bad all seems to be at the root of why I'm so reluctant to tell my story. Yet, I want to tell it to inspire others who going through difficult situations. Life's hard at times. People are human. But you can over come things you never thought you would. My whole life is a testament to that.


Things I thought I'd never get over. I have. Some through sheer will.


Others because I believe profoundly that the mind is a powerful thing. It can shape your whole life from a very early age. Ways you haven't even thought about since you where little. It can guide you out of harms way an protect you even from yourself when it's not functioning at it's best. That's how powerful a tool it is that's been given to us. An yet getting at the heart of someones mind: Their story is deeply personal. And I didn't expect part of being an artist would be for me to tell my. But it is.


Just the question of “What made you want to become or be an artist”?


Dredges up dread answering it... because I really have sat an thought about why the hell I couldn't stop being one. It's seem to have cause me all kinds of problems in relationships and financially. Plenty of misunderstandings. It can be at times a very volital rocky road to follow: an others don't seem to understand why you spend so much time on it on top of other things. Most seem to look at you with a little pity that your burdening yourself with an extra task in life on top of your regular nine to five job, the kids, lack of money for it etc. Others don't seem to have this monkey on their back that says you have to create something on top of what you already have to get done in your daily life. All I can tell them is I'm sorry. It's a drive in me that's been in me from as far back as I can remember. Good or bad at it, I have to get better at it an that takes time, practice and patience. I've had to ask myself personally what made you want to become an artist? Especially when it's such a difficult life at times. Why can't you just give it up an enjoy life like others do?


I had to sit an really ask myself since it's been in me from a very young age when did you know you wanted to be an artist? Or when did you KNOW you where an artist. Since I couldn't remember ever NOT being an artist: the answer was startling. At least to me.


I KNEW I was an artist at the age of maybe two if I was lucky to be that old.
The very first time I was beat by my mother.


I remember the euphoria of drawing all over a wall. The time it took me. How proud of it I was. All the colors I used. How my dad would be proud of me for knowing all the names of the colors. How big I could make it. How beautiful it was. And how I was just about finished with it and going to get my mommy to show her when she walked in. That's how long I've been an “artist”. My mothers reaction was NOT what I expected. It commenced into my first all out beating by her. It had been effecting my career. My whole life.


That's how power the mind can be.


All my years doing art, my whole life doing art: I always planned for the worst possible reaction. It didn't matter how many good reactions I had to it. That reaction of being beat for it stuck in my head. Even if I had forgotten about it a long time ago. It was like how grow dog will over react to a thunderstorm cause it had gone through one at certain stage of being a puppy. I have to have things just so to do art. So much so, I went into management to avoid it as a career. So all my financial ducks stayed in a row. Took SAFE over risk. I was taught being myself is a risk. People aren't always going to react they way you expect them to. Don't rely on it no matter how good you are or the art. An of course you have all the naysayers that discourage you from following it as a career path on top of that.


But I tell you what, if I had to do it over. I'd still scribbled all over that wall.


It's just a part of who I am: An artist. I honestly can not help it or stop myself from wanting and being creative. It's a drive in me worthy of risking a little rejection. An that story of being beaten for coloring on the wall is comical to me now but when I first remembered it: Answering that question of when did you first know or want to become an artist sent me into a major depression. I laugh about it now cause that was the worst rejection I was every going to go through. My mind had finally pin pointed why I was fearful of an artistic career. An once it had done that it was a lot easier for me to go to work as one or in an artistic field.


It's just one of the reasons I think the mind is incredible.


It will get you past a trauma until you a ready to deal with it's root cause. There is apart of me not really wanting to tell my story because I don't want to villain-fie my parents as I tell my story. Especially since one is dead: my father. His legacy is important to me. An better parts of him be remembered. My mother is older an we all grew past the past. But there are parts of my story: My parents where villains.


I'm sure I'm not the only kid that received an spanking for coloring on something they where not suppose to. Yet, I can't deny it was a beating. I mean I really let that wall have it! Ass whooping is a understatement! Ha! Ha! I joke things off a lot but also had to come to grips with a part of my childhood that was traumatic to move past what was holding me back.


I suffer from PTSD because of it. Depression at times as well. It's not a story I care to share very much because you can move past it. I did. My parents did. Our relationships healed. They weren't hopeless.


Once you have moved past it. It's not something you tend to like to revisit.
But you have to if it's effecting your health, life, relationships an career.


My hope is that my story will inspire someone out there that's gone through it, going through it or in an abusive situation to put an end to it. Ask yourself why you don't like doing something. Or do like doing something. Or keep finding yourself avoiding people, things.......lol careers or a simple question even. Then let your mind guide you to the answer. It will if you let it, heal you.

In a few weeks, I'm turning 50. I think fifty is a natural time to review where you've been an where you'd like to go forward. So, I've been doing that lately. Just to see if I focused on the things I said I would about ten years ago. I narrowed it down to five things: My spirituality, My kids, Art, reaching financial security and good health. In that order, it's what I wanted the just of my life to be about. The first is great, my soul is calmer, kinder and more peaceful then it's ever been. I've really mellowed out. Things where a little out there with the kids, since all of them where going through teenage years an graduating into adulthood. They are pretty well adjusted. Settling into adulthood fine. And I'm even going to be a grandmother in early 2019. My first grand baby an I'm looking forward to him. Financially, I've managed to pay off my house but my income could be better. But my health took a real nose dive about a year ago. I had a breast cancer scare an my thyroid has gone ape shit. But I did manage to move my career into an art field. I'm proud to say I'm apart of. So my focus will remain on those five things. With a emphasis on art, security an health.

I'm getting older so it's a must.

In astrology (cause I'm into that kinda stuff in detail), they are saying look back at 1993 an 1990 to get a idea of what the next few years will be like for yourself. Those where major transformable times for me. In 1993, I was twelve, going on thirteen. I joined the yearbook. Picked up a real camera for the first time. An learned the power it held. It's fitting to came up in my chart: Not that everyone believes in that kinda stuff. But it also fits with the times we are living in: When everyone owns a camera. An can snap shots of their lives. It reminds me of how I was a little before my time. Bring it home to document what was happening in mine. It was by far, one of the hardest time periods in my life. The hardest thing I ever did, in fact. I turned my parents into child protective services for abuse. It took me a while to do it. I was terrified of getting caught telling anyone. I got beat for just being on the telephone with my grandmother, for even giving her a hint that things weren't alright. In retro, my parents where probably going though one of the hardest financial situations in their life. On the verge of splitting if I'm correct. The flying off the handle was a an all time high. Living in our home was like walking on eggshells. An little thing could set one of them off. An you couldn't predict what would land you in a ass beating. Someone had to do something.

An I figured that someone was going to have to be me. So, after my sister was beaten for forgetting to bring in the garbage cans, an my year an half old sister beat for playing to loudly at her play table I decided I was going to do something about it. Specially when the 8 year old was beat again the next day. The bruises where from the very bottom of her legs to the mid of her back. An I was very protective of both of them. In some ways they where like my own children. I took care of them so much. I cried my eyes out every time the belt hit one of them. So the following day, I went to a guidance councilor an asked questions. I checked out the schools camera: brought it home an started taking pictures of all the bruises.

They where bad.

To make a long story short. We where taken form our parents that Thanksgiving weekend I turned 13. An the photos I had taken where seen. That's when I learned the true power of the camera to right a wrong. Life got immediately better. The beatings stopped.


No if, ands or butts. I went through years of being rode hard emotionally an work wise but it was worth it to me. It ended something that needed to stop. Years later, I was told by most of my family members I did the right thing. An was vindicated of doing anything wrong. My grandmother an I remained close because of it. An it's one of the best relationships I've had in my life. But doing that wasn't easy: being a journalist of your own life. An the years following were much better for my siblings then they where for me. They had much more normal lives. The relationships with our parents improved.

In fact they have gotten better ever since.

A little better each year. At least in my eyes. The youngest doesn't even remember any of the turmoil having never been treated that way from then on. So the camera can be powerful. An it actually means a lot to me. It changed my life. More then once.

It's not much of a surprise I'd end up on photography later.


I think it saved my family. An to me it is one of the most important things a family could & should do together. Portraits of your family. Of each other. Happily together. Making beautiful memories together. An in the times we are living in there is no excuse not to have pictures of your loved ones. I can't stress how important they are. An how valuable they will become to you. So I do recommend having them done professionally an getting them printed up. I have a whole wall dedicated to family portraits in my home.

There are years upon years of happy faces an smiling eyes now looking back at me verses what was once scared shy withdrawn eyes. It's priceless. An it's a honor to me to be able to help loved ones capture that. The camera has always been about family to me. I cant begin to express what it's like to do a job where people giggle an smile at you every day. I get so much joy out it. My camera is one of my best friends.

I've seen it's power at work.

I had an older women come in, who's husband was dying of cancer. She at first was putting off having portraits done because getting out an about was so hard on him. He didn't have very many good days left. He had one an they came in. Both knowing this was probably the last time they would ever stand in front of a camera together. They had been married all their lives. The love in the room was over whelming when I took their photos. They didn't have the money for them at that time. But that ways okay. They be there when she needed them.

He passed on Christmas Eve.

I was the second person she told. She came in an shared it with me in tears. Picked up the portraits an thanked me so much for being presistant about doing them. I can not begin to convey how much a professional session can mean to you. Your family. Or how much photography can change your life. Just how much portraits of loved one can mean to someone. How devastating it can be to loose them. An how grateful you can be that you had professional ones done. In our digital age, we seem to take the camera for granted. That we will get around to going to have them done. Or how we put it off saying: I'll just use my phone. How easily they are lost if something happens to your phone. Or the regret that sets in that you didn't get prints.

People need to remember (an will) that it's just like a instant camera.

It's not the same as having them professionally done. The quality is different. The prints are not as good. The lighting or backgrounds off. Studio's are declining in the US. The millennial generation is surrounded by so much photography they take it for granted professionals are gonna be around. Do it for nothing or they can always get a free print. Well those days are over. Quality prints cost money. Make the investment. It's about your family.

An that's kinda what me reviewing my life, turning 50 has been about. It's what came into my life around 13 an hasn't left. It changed my life back then for the better, an renewed my soul about ten years ago. Giving me some of the best years I ever could have imagined. Running the studio, doing photography put me back on the right path: In Art. Stabilized my finances. Was good for my health. An enabled me to focus on what mattered most: Family. So I'm looking forward to next decade. My hope is to do more of it. It's been good for me. Them. An the people around me.

The whole night, probably because I was sober: took me down memory lane.


When I got pregnant with my son, my dad, sister & I where just opening that bar. I was Vice President of corporation, managing it full time. Teaching my dad how to do inventory, management things I had learned along the way. Painting factories during the day an teaching my sister how to bartend at night. I had just married his father. Ended years of running my own in home daycare to be a stay at home mom for my oldest daughter. It was a time of new fresh starts in my life: Including him. My son. I was a busy woman that had to slow down just to have him.


During my pregnancy I was just learning HTML. It was important to me to learn how to draw on computer an be able to post it. I started a website: Mommysbiz.com that socialized with other moms and taught others how to start your own daycare an run it. It was in Google's top ten for over five years.
It became my new obsession: Making it on the internet. An him & his sister. Enjoying them. Doing art. An trying to make that site produce a income.


The internet was just beginning to let sites accept credit cards.


It was just starting to turn a profit three or so years later. The family business was doing well. An I was just about there in my mind to living successfully as a artist when my marriage hit the rocks. We divorced an I was approached by a marketing company to come work for them. I thought it didn't have to be the end of me doing art an went in for the interview. Only to be insulted. Seems they felt since I was self taught. I'd have to get a degree in it before they hired me. Even though they loved everything I was doing.


So I went back to college. I started over.


An my children watched me struggle with raising them an going to college. I'm glad I went but I never should have listened to a bunch of idiots telling me I needed a piece of paper for what I had already taught myself how to do. I had reached a level of success they hadn't. People actually went to my site often an regularly. A major feet back in the day then as it is now.


I never should have let anyone tell me I couldn't do something.


An I hope my son gets that. He seems to.
Cause at 21 I can't tell him nothing lol


He knows it all. But as the night wore on: Especially running into his dad. Another person who didn't believe me on what the Internets impact on us would be. Who gave up on me during those years. Didn't believe in me, it or the art. Who could only see the bar as a success. An it was, an is. But it didn't mean I wanted to do it for the rest of my life. No matter how good I am at managing it or any other business. I wanted. Needed to do art.


So with a lot of sadness I handed it over to my sisters when my father died. There's a little regret there. Cause it is one of my babies. A part of my life I invested time and effort in. More for my father then for me. So on one hand it was, is great to visit. Take my son to, let him enjoy. But on the other: Just a chapter that has ended in my life.


Couple years ago, I was just at a THIS has got to end stage in my life.


I have got to be able to do art, or I'm gonna go crazy. An I finally found a job that suited me. Studio manager at Picture Me! It incorporated twenty years of management experience doing something artistic every day. I had a new lease on life. I'd wake up, happy to be alive and looking forward to each day. What I'd learn, who'd I'd get to see an interacting with people daily learning a new art skill. Plus, the years of working with children was a bonus. It was like getting paid to play for me.


I took a pay cut just to be HAPPY.


An I was. I was learning how to actually sell art in the “real world”. Nothing, and I do mean nothing will make an artist happier then see people actually interested in your work. Let alone thrilled with the results enough to buy it. It was my new favorite baby. An they kids did better seeing their mother doing something she loved. It validated years of me putting in a lot of hard work to become something I could do apply all those skills I had. An the internet was working for me finally too. My studio grew when others where failing. I was a happy camper.


Plus I could still do digital fractal art when I got home.


The world was good. Then the lay off happened. Five thousand photo studios closed over nite. I didn't give up. I filled in with a co-worker that season at The Picture People. Driving 2 hours to an from home just to keep my dream alive. Got offered the job after season but hours just didnt work with the kids. An the pay wasn't enough. I went to what I consider a inferior company: Lifetouch. I even got to travel. A long wished for dream of mine, but it wasn't the same. I went to Moms365 taking newborn pictures daily hoping it would cheer me up. But it didn't. The income just wasn't there.


An I miss my studio.


With daily visits from customers who give me hugs. An lot's of love. So, I'm starting over again.


An that's what I was thinking about as my son turned 21. Twenty one years I have been banging my head against the wall. Trying to make all this work. Alone with three children. Trying to create a art career that works for me instead of against me. It's cost me income. It cost me a marriage. A part of successful business I had created. I even sold my house downsizing to make this dream a reality. I lost more then half my stuff. Even a portfolio I had dragged around with me since high school. Plus I lost my hard drive that held my whole life's portfolio. Even the mural I painted for myself is gone. All that exist now, of my life's work. Isn't mine. Others own it. Including the three children I made. They are full grown adults now. Can do anything they want, whether I like it or not.


An me? I had a full blown melt down over the thought of having to start over at 50. Plus a breast cancer scare: And my thyroid has gone ape shit. Starting a new isn't as easy as it was back when he was a tiny baby in my arms. Starting new use to be something I loved. A fresh beginning. But this one by far is my hardest one because I can see the results of all my other efforts. An I'm not happy that others own all my efforts. That my children, an grand babies (I'm gonna be a grandma soon) don't reap the benefits of all my years of hard work. I want to leave them a legacy. So, one last time: I'm starting over.


An this time: I'm gonna do it a little different.


No one else is going to own my work.
So my kids reap the rewards.
Wish me luck. I'm starting fresh...


Again.


Think I can get crowd funding this time? lol

Where have you been? Busy. Around. LOL Seriously, I have been doing art just really not able to post it on social media. In 2011ish I went to work for CPI corp as a manager of a portrait studio: Picture Me! I did any where form 2-30 photo shoots a day an just didn't have a lot of time for anything else art wise. The company had a policy of they owned my work so I couldn't really share my portfolio. I shared a tad of it when the company laid us all off. Since then I've filled in for The Picture People in Chicago for a season in the second busiest malls in America. Sold $1100 in one sit even! Not liking the two hour drive back an forth I looked for something else in photography. I ended up traveling working for Lifetouch who recently got bought out by Shutterfly. Then I settled into Mom365 doing new born photography.

What I've found is I miss managing my own studio.

I've been in management my whole life, an it combined with an actual art form kept me happy. The kinda happy you wake up bouncing out of bed thrilled to start a new day. I'd like to manage a studio again for someone else or start my own in the right location. The problem with that I'm running into is there just aren't studios around my area anymore hiring managers. I think their might be two portait studios left around the Rockford area: Portrait Innovations & JcPenny. I'm not even sure Pennies is actively in the area anymore. So I've kinda hit a brick wall in my field of work. I'm actually being left with the only option being open my own studio.

An I have been doing photo sessions “on the side” to keep me in practice but with it comes a slew of headaches. One of them being a proper location for a studio. I work out of my home now but a little uncomfy with people coming an going from my home. In 2016 someone broke into it an stole both my camera an other stuff an wreck the place. I wasn't too happy about having to replace those items. Or the mess an it really but my guard up. My former studio was in a high traffic location: the entrance of Walmart in Beloit. I dealt with all kinds of people, but no one could break in an steal things. I had Walmart security team there to back me up if someone tried to steal some thing or bully me. So security has been an issue on my mind from all this.

In studio, since there was security if someone got aggressive: An they do just about every Christmas Eve all you had to do was ask them to leave. If they wouldn't security would get involved. There was some sort of protection from the part of the public that doesn't understand boundaries. Or thinks it's okay to try to start a fist fight with the photographer. Not so out on your own. And during 2015-2016ish I had some online stalker freak bothering me an it even went so far as deleting all my 800 or so Facebook contacts. So I'm completely starting over networking wise, with the exception this page. I opened a new page just for the photography: If you'd like and follow it: https://www.facebook.com/mrpdstudio/

So anyway, the situation got me thinking about my own security out on photo shoots. It kinda scared me off from doing them outdoors or in my own home studio. I took some leads, did them an you just never know what kinda person your going to be dealing with. So it's kinda why I stuck with Moms365. LOL You can't get a more secure setting then a hospital setting of newborns. Plus I love the babies an the photography from it. I just can't share it online: patient confidentality. But I'm fixen to take a stab at running my own studio despite the security issue. I think I've found a solution of just taking someone with me. An hire an assistant if I have to just to keep it safe. But here is the other problem I'm running into: The Internet LOL
Or should I say photographer hacks. I hate to call them that cause they are just people who want to learn and be better photographers. But the problem is they don't understand the industry. They don't price the product correctly and underbid those that are good who do. It makes me want to bang my head on the desk every time I see a “newbie” ad stating they will do a photography session for $60. The true rate is around a $150 for an hour. You have to include assistant, your pay, the time it takes to edit, travel time, studio overhead ect. They are wrecking the industry! Consumers see that kinda pricing an think professionals are going to do it that cheap: An we just aren't going to. An you add prints into the equation an your looking at at least $250-$350 to get portraits worthy of hanging on your wall.

Don't get me wrong, I love the internet. I just don't like some of the effects it's having on established professions. Namely mine lol Photography. Major studios in the industry are caving in because of it. People are so use to seeing so much photography online they are taking it for granted. I'm getting a lot of: No, I don't need the professional's photo: I'll just take one with my phone camera. This millianal generation is very much I'll get around to printing it later too. Which they don't or finally figure out: It's expensive to print. Let alone own a full wall of family prints. The family photo wall at my house probably ran about $5000 over the coarse of time. Ironically though, printings doing better then it's done in a long time. How do I explain this: It's like when the instant camera came out.

Suddenly everyone was a photographer and had to have one. Which was great for printers. Saved their industry probably. But it about killed the photography industry briefly in the seventies. Until........until people started figuring out the difference between home photos and professional photography. People started to get they still needed to go to a professional once in a while. Thank god, my mom got that or all we'd have is badly lighted Birthday & Christmas photos to look at. An I appreciate those home photos but I highly value the portraits on my wall too.

An I'd like others to as well. Cause they are precious memories. An well that's what I've been up to the last decade: Photography

I have been working on other art, just not as much. That's fixing to change as I go into the fractal acrylic pouring more. I'm just learning it. I also have mural I'm fixing to start that I think will be perfect hanging over at one of the bars (Whiskey's Roadhouse or Rockton Pub & Grub). Plus I intend to get way more into the Photoshopping art. (There has got to be a better name for that) So, you should be hearing more from me as I start a book, getting back into blogging. Lot's of plans in the mix. You know, gotta leave that legacy for the kiddos. If you have a certain question you'd like to ask the artist or topic you'd like to hear more about. Inbox me! Plus don't forget I have several paintings still up for sell on the page.