 The other day, I wrote the general outline of everything I do online. The list of actual sites is longer then that an I went about checking out where I left off with things. With the health problems I've had the last few years, I just shut down my computer. I needed a break from it because I would go to work, then come home an work. An the kiddo's had a bone to pick with me about it. Frankly, I just needed a vacation an deal with the root of the medical problems I was having. This is not the first time I've dealt with a cancer scare. Right after I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, the doctor told my my pap came back abnormal. I would have to wait until after I had her to know, but the pregnancy would slow it down. So after her birth, they did the tests. On a scale of 1-10 I was a nine. My cervix was on the verge of cancer. I had it removed. I call my youngest, my guardian angel because of it. If I had not gotten preggers, I would have never known. I considered myself extremely lucky. Even though I had gallstone attacks for over a decade. Lucked out an a doctor finally figured it out an I had the surgery to remove them. The thing is, I just worked myself into a teesy. An this last scare, I was just exhausted. Mentally, emotionally an physical just done. I worked my regular photography job until I just couldn't go no more. I quit “the internet” an digital artwork. I was frankly just too damn tired to mess with it. So, I've let it just float the last two or so years. Because of that, and is it even worth the time an effort I'm putting into it. I didn't expect to see a massive return on my time an effort anytime soon. I defiantly have a long term game plan an approach to the whole thing. Internet entrepreneur ships, successful ones just don't make money over nite. But the other reason I quit, is I needed to step back an really take a look at what's really going on. I meet with my former boss of Picture Me! And basically said to her: “I'm just trying to understand why “the real world” an the internet are not working together” Why people aren't making they money they should be in these industries, on or off the net. An what needs to be done to correct it. In my mind, by now brick & morters, real world businesses should have a real grasp of what is needed to survive in techno culture. Why are so many long standing studios, companies going belly up? Why art artist making less. I mean this was really effecting me because I work online and off. I've watched, 5 majors in the photography business fold up, sell the company or file bankruptcy. Two of them had very strong internet strategies. All they are seeing is trickles in profits compared to what they should be seeing. An I've watched artist jump on this site or that, upload their work just like I have an putting a lot of effort in, to see little return. While those companies they have uploaded to make 5 million a year. It's flustering. It's a lot of work, so why do it is where I was getting to. Like I told her, something is not working between the two: internet & real world. I was tired. I just had invested the last ten years of my life in both. An frankly, I get annoyed on a lot of these art sites as well because I have a programming background an go, why the hell doesn't it have this, why don't it have that? An I get equally annoyed with the “real world” businesses because they aren't using it to it's full capacities. Almost to the point, I want to go just create one myself. Then I think about it an go: NOPE. I'm tired. I know how much work goes into running one already an say forget it. An that's pretty much what I have done the last two years because the two sides of the industry are not playing well together. Yes, there is an niche in there. Yes, I know there is an opportunity in there. No I do not think we need another one. There are to many art sites out there now in my opinion. So unless someones going to do it RIGHT. I don't think another one should be built. An I never will unless I'm positive it can be done right. Trust me, I could pick apart each artistic site there is. What's not working, what is working. What they need to add, what they need to stop fricking doing. But I'm just now getting to where I feel better or good enough to even sit at my computer. The problem “real world” businesses have on the internet is they don't respond to their customers. I created just a little Facebook page for my store. I responded every night to my customers. I watched in horror as the main corporate site ignored customers. They didn't respond to them on social media. An watched as complaints piled up on their internet accounts. The internet is no different then a customer walking into your studio or store: You have to give them the same level of service you would face to face. An yes, I get it. I've been in retail over 32 years: Some people are just assholes. Yet, in the real world you have to respond to them. You have to listen to them. You have to correct the problem. Even if they are totally wrong half the time. It's rare to ban a customer, asshole or not. CPI failed at customer service on the internet. An Lifetouch, wasn't much better. That's why they have been swallowed up by Shutterfly. I use to get customers, that where so grateful to have me just because Lifetouch was so bad at dealing with customers. Hopefully, with Shutterfly they handle themselves better. My guess is yes but then I see the Shutterfly site doesn't handle professional photographers very well on the internet themselves. It's just about selling prints. An that's what a lot of these artistic sites are only interested in. Few of them really promote promote the artist as much as they should. Some of them aren't even search-able by internet engines. The slap a few things up related to artist, like giving them a support network of other artist: Which we need but they all are about promoting their own companies. Nothing wrong with that but artist still are not getting picked up as much as they should be on the internet by them. Some of it is the artist themselves own fault. I'll give you few examples of my own blunders: Cuz I know better an would still get in a hurry uploading an wanting to move on to the next task is this: Artist don't write good descriptions of their work, an bad at key-wording it. As, I looked around yesterday at all the updates I need to do if I'm going to jump back into this is I made the blunder. Well what the hell am I talking about? Okay, the biggest thing artist/business who are not computer savvy need to know is: You won't be found on the internet if you don't do this. An I'll use myself as an example: Go to Google an search for Dana Haynes My artwork comes up half way down the page in the images section. But none of my stuff comes up on the first page. I have one listing of me on the second. Most people won't click beyond the first ten results on a search engine. This is BAD. I know better. Every piece of artwork I posted, which is over 500 something by now should have had a well written description for each piece an at least had my name as a keyword. Sites like Redbubble & ImageKind let you do this. An I was very good about it when I started posting my pieces. But as time wore on, I would upload an run. An I probably didn't use the best keywords I could have for each pieces. An here's why: Most people are not going to be searching for my name. Not as an unknown artist. Yes, you should keyword it with your name but it's not the most important keywords your going to use. What you want is keywords people actually search for when buying artwork. Example: Search artist dana haynes an I am the first one that comes up. But this still requires someone knows my work to begin with. Yes, you should still use those: because someday maybe lots of people will know your name. I used Fractal art & artist on everything I keyworded. None of it shows up in the search results, an I'll tell you why: The art sites I posted on are not searched by search engines. This is why, I stopped what I was doing. This is why I looked at my ol' boss an said somethings off. Because the only way I get results back is if I search: fractal artist dana haynes. Then I show up in the top ten. Then all my artwork shows up. But it's still requiring someone knows my name. Unless you are very active on social sites posting your work, introducing people to your name and brand you can't be found. An you won't make many sales either. There are two ways to look at this: Hey, at least I'm getting my name out there. An that's wonderful. It's a part of leaving a long term legacy. An people get to know you because your using these sites. An yes, it feels good to be featured on ImageKind as an upcoming artist. Or spotlighted on Redbubble. The attention to your art by other artist feels good. But attention & likes don't pay the bills. It's a way for customers to find artist & artist work. But it doesn't mean you will be found on one of these sites. Let alone sale anything that amounts to a real income & I'll tell you why: The flip side of it is this: I spent a shit ton of effort, posting to every where to get my name out there. Now, some people know my name an can find me to purchase. The problem is it all leads back to these art sites an I could just as easily loose this one little old customer that found in me: the needle in a haystack. They can get easily distracted an buy someone else art or product instead. So, being on these sites is a catch twenty two. The goal is for them to purchase yours. Well, how do you do that? You have a website that's key worded an the meta tags are in place so that they visit your site first instead of one of these sites first. The job of those sites, is to get you found. Not for you to loose potential customers to. Everything you do should point back to your site. Your name, your brand. An I will admit it. I have a programming background, but haven't kept my site up an running. Mostly because I've been sick the last few years but anywho, you catch what I'm saying here. These sites, they come across like well t his is all you need. But I'm here to tell you, don't believe it. It doesn't look professional. So if you are serious you will put up a website with your own url. They just cost so little these days, there just isn't much of a excuse not to. An now that I'm feeling somewhat better, mines going to go up. I have a little freebie one right now. Just playing around with my design I want. An you can use weebly, or wix an any other “cheater”. They don't take a lot of programming background to use. At bare minimum, just post a small portfolio of your work an how to contact you. If your serious about selling your artwork you will. Might be worth it to invest in a web designer. They can set up a site for you that's just as easy to use as Shopify. An they don't have to cost an arm & a leg either. You can generate leads this way or commissions. Sell stuff you already made, but everything you do on the internet should point back to you. Your art. Your name. Your brand. But be sure to understand meta tags & keywords. Without them its hard to generate new customers: That's the goal. Increasing Sales an retaining old customers. The thing about meta tags and keywords, whether its on your own site or one of these art sites is getting the right ones. Don't think about what you would search for. Think about what your customers would search for. Not just the ones that know your name. That's an easy one. Any idiot can do it. Think about what the customer that doesn't know you is going to search for. I'll give you example. The family business is a tavern in town. Regulars know the name. They will search for that. Great, but don't you want the people that don't know your business to find it? Or are you okay with landing on the fourth or fifth page of a search engine result where you will never be found. Because most folks won't look that far into a search result. So, if you where a customer looking for somewhere to new to go hang out, what would you look for? Name of the town, an probably just the word bar or tavern. Am I making sense? Are you following me? Use the word bar, tavern an any other word you can think of a new person would use to search. What most web designers if they are good will do this for you. If they don't they aren't that great. But a decent design includes doing a search of what meta tags an keywords to use. If your designing your own or having someone else do it for you: Go to Google. Run searches on your competitors. Open up their site programming: Look at the words they use to comee up first in the results. Chances are the designer used more keywords then your site an it's why they are getting the results an you are not. You could be the most popular place in town an be coming up low in search results for this reason an this reason only. If your artist, think about what a stranger would search for. Art, painting, abstract fractal blue gray dog donkey ect This is your biggest expense an usually cost you nothing to do it right. This is how you leave a footprint on the internet. This is how you get found. Also, be sure to embed keywords in your photos an use them in your descriptions. Don't forget to do this. You'll come up more often then someone who forgets. LOL like I did sometimes. Only about half the artwork I've done comes up in search results. That's still mighty good but it could be better. An all that is with me being gone for two years, with no website. Which, I'm fixing to get started on this next month. It's important an can't be ignored. I've just been putting it off because I'm trying to figure out a way for it to stay in place long after my death. Cuz I'm betting the kiddos will remember to pay the small monthly fees to keep it in place. An that is one reason to post on these art sites. Most of them are free to a certain degree. An if my website goes down, or my backup drive fails like my did all the work you've done still exist somewhere. An the sites are pretty good about protecting your images. An so will your social media account. As long as that site is live. I have witnessed popular art sites like artistrising.com a subsidiary of art.com go down. No longer in use. Vango.com, who sold only original paintings for $250 quit. Say they can no longer do it. An in 20 years, Facebook might not exist. So there are marketers out there that say social media is a waste of time. Or websites are. An countless regular old people who just socialize on their computers that won't get your actually not just on yours to be social but running a business. Are they right? Is social media marketing a waste of time? Is having a website too? Well, I just went two years not doing either. Kinda testing the theories while I was sick. An just told you about two companies that failed because they didn't take social media or the internet seriously. They had websites. Not very responsive ones. Who didn't give the level of service they would face to face. Both of them the two largest in the nation. So I'd say, yes it matters. When you see large companies crumble because of it an ask yourself why? The answer is having a bad social media / internet reputation. Bad word of mouth. People went to better photographers who would respond on social media. I haven't really done much art except at work. It couldn't be displayed publicly or I didn't personally have to post it. So I haven't had much to share anyway. Did people notice? Yes an no. When you disappear from the internet life goes on without you. But you can get right back in there an pick it up like nothing happened. It's kinda the same in gammers land. Where ya been, oh! Well, welcome back. We missed you. An you pick up where you left off. As long as you didn't leave people angry. You can take vacations from social media. I didn’t leave angry customers laying around so it didn't really effect me, my brand or art sales. I sold art without any more effort on my part. So soical media didn’t matter, but it did. Cause it’s what helped me get search results years ago too. Which is nice to know that residual income will come in long after you've put that kinda effort in. Which is an argument for being on a shit ton of art sites. Just encase something happens to you. Or like me, loosing a hard drive. At least I know now what will happen to my work if I pass. An I'll left some kind of legacy when I'm gone. So, while its not the greatest sales in the world right now because I haven't continued to work it. It is something. An I still do get tickled when someone from Germany or Florida buys my work. But back to the question of do you really need to be on social media? Depends. I say artist an businesses do. An they need to be just as responsive as if someone walked into their store or studio. There are people who do not do social media & businesses that won't. They generate leads a different way an don't need to. But its Rare. One of these “gurus” spouting off you don't is being very generalized saying that. He only has two products. He doesn't run a service oriented business. If your unsocial online why would I expect you to be in your business. Why would someone hand you there business if your not? If someone is going to buy a Snickers Bar, a good product, who do you think they are going to buy from? The unsocial one or the one that’s social with them. That makes them feel welcome. An with artist & photographers especially it's important. You need to leave a impression of who you are with people to sell your work. You could be “hell kitchen dude” with a tude, an it work for you. I've watched a clothing company generate leads just posting sarcasim. It works with their brand. Might not work for yours. Depends on what you decided you & your brands about. An who you want your audience and customers to be. I have very diverse customers. My customers for my photography is usually dead opposite the audience and customers I sell fractal an traditional artwork to. Being on social media helps you discover who likes your work, types that don't an gives you an idea of who you want your customers to be. It helps you narrow it down really quick. Social Media gives the ability for people to respond to you, helps you improve your work, service an business. So while I agree with that “guru” that your product needs to be great. An it's the most important thing. He doesn't seem to understand service in our day an age is a “product”. An you can't just order it. You actually have to interact with your customers, fans an “audience”. An it is like putting on a show. While it's a little more work, it is what will make you stand out competing with someone else that sells the exact same product or service. Do I think you should spend all your time doing just that? Social Media? No. I think it's just one part of customer service these days an putting on your “show”. That's just part of sales. Does social media increase your sales? Yes. If done right. Does it have to be time consuming? No. Depends on how large you or your business is. Some of the companies I worked for should have hired at least one person to do nothing but respond to customers online. They didn't. An it hurt their brand enough to put them out of business. The other one, had poor phone responses. It took a nose dive. I've heard complaints about another larger one having the same issues. Service matters. Service is interacting with people. So yes, social media matters. And I've said that right from the beginning of it. AOL sold a lot. An so does word of mouth.
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 People understand I'm an artist... but what exactly is it I do? I do it all! Seriously, it's probably why I'm sick. I worked myself into a frazzle. Cause I kinda am a “want to do it all” kinda person. Which makes me what they call “stack-able” these days. Instead of going to art college: I decided I'd just go get the entry level job that taught me about “Art” in the practical world. For example: I wanted to learn more about print because they hired graphic artist. So, out of high school I got a part time job at the local newspaper, in the in lower in house print shop as an assistant. I quickly got bored with making note pads an envelopes. The pay was awful. An found out the pay for the graphic artist was not much better, an left. But in my early years, this is how I took art “classes”. I just go get the entry level jobs an learn about it that way instead of paying for classes I couldn't afford. I decided I'd learn more that way. At the time, retail management jobs paid better an that's the route I went. I took one accounting class, an just focused on business as a career. It was a secondary interest I had. An I enjoyed it. I felt being in management was more stable then being an artist. I loved interacting with people & learning a new business model. I worked in taverns, restaurants an gas stations. I helped open new ones. I cleaned up old ones. I loved accounting, inventory, P&Ls, auditing an learning all about marketing in a practical sense. I loved the first of the month, rolling out new ad campaigns all the nitty gritty details of operating a business. Up until 21 years ago, I just focused on my retail management business career & did traditional art “on the side” because I found there was an art to business too. Then I had kids lol an had to balance business, art an them. Then the internet happened an I couldn't help myself: Suddenly you could learn things they didn't even teach in colleges yet. I spent my free time teaching myself html, programming an how to draw on computers. I invested my time in developing a website. I learned all about how the to make the internet works I didn't spend my time just socializing on it like most. To me, the internet was going to be HUGE. It was going to change the way people did business AND I was going to be able to do ART & business for a living. So I finally knew what I wanted to return to college. Before that I had just took the basic classes to get them out of the way. I just did not see the point of investing tons of money into a college degree when I could go out in the real world an learn it from the ground up hands on. But, this time was different: I had a vision in my head of what the internet would become. An it's here. An there is more yet to come. So about ten years ago, I decided I needed an to finally put an traditional art portfolio together an focus on art instead of my practice site: Mommysbiz for Daycare Providers & Parents. So what exactly am I? I'm a Artist with a business management background an internet technology geek that does photography for a living while working on traditional art in her spare time. LOL Hey, when your idol is Leonardo Da Vinci... Your going to get into a lot of things. But it's turning out that taking the long way around to actually getting some art done is paying off. I can teach business how to market themselves correctly on here. I can teach artist and photographers how to treat their art like a business so they can actually support themselves doing it. Who would have thunk it? Business Art & the internet is my mix. What seems like a weird combination for me to learn turns out to be exactly what is needed in today's world. Because I see, really good artist struggling to sell. I see brick an mortar business still not using the internet correctly. Loosing out. But I don't want to be one of those “fly by nite guru's” on here. Most of them get on my nerves. They've all got it figured out an going to teach you in 20 minutes how to get rich on the internet. It doesn't happen that way folks. It's complicated. Yet you've got to keep it as simple as you possibly can or you will never get any artwork done. Nor make any sales online or off. An today's businesses an artist need to be in both worlds. An artist has to be both, an if you don't understand this: Then your a hobbyist an most of what I have to say or teach isn't going to be of much value to you. If your serious about being a successful artist, I will walk you through what you need to do on the internet. Business can learn from it as well. An we can get into specific businesses later: like photography. Don't get your hopes up. I won't sit here an mislead anyone it's NOT easy to do. It's very a competitive market even when you do not add artist to what it is you do. An you have to do more then a regular business on here to make it. But if your interested in the long haul, an leaving a legacy. I can walk you through what I do. I will go into details in with follow up writings. An I'll probably stick it all in a book later or something. I just want other artist to understand this is a long haul game. It's not going to give you income quickly. An only while art sales on the internet have gone up 40%, only 1% of artist are actually selling anything. It's why I'm not fond of the most of the internet gurus. They are making a living telling you it's easy when it's not. It's hard for a regular business to do this correctly to increase their sales but if it's done right you will. It's not an over nite thing. It's long term approach to having residual income an you will sell long after you are gone. You won't see results over nite from it. Think of being on the internet like a faucet, that leaks. It trickles at first, then eventually it gets turn on an pours. An I can't promise you will. An here's why: Not all artist are good. An I don't say that to discourage anyone. It's just a fact. We all aren't but what might not look good as a painting: might just look great on a piece of clothing. Or a coffee mug. An you get better at something with time. You could be loosey today, an be the best at something ten years from now with practice. Discipline. An that is what my approach to art, business & internet is about. I didn't get good at anyone of them without putting in the work. So you have to be willing to do it daily. Or at least five days a week. Several times a day, depending on what your doing. My approach works, although I haven't been doing it as much being ill. So here's the run down: You have to have art / product / service. It has to be good. You need a website. Content is King. Your Art: Product or Service Write / Blog Do Photos Make Videos Voice / Podcast / Livestreams You have to have a portfolio of your work on it. It has to be updated regularly: Daily, Weekly, Monthly It has to have meta tags researched & Keyworded. You want to be found by search engines. It has to be simple to navigate & user friendly. It has to be eye appealing on the internet, tv & phone Example my Traditional Art Portfolio contains: Fractal Art Acrylic Charcoal Colored Pencil Pours Murals Oil Pastels Pen & Ink Poems Tattoo Designs Watercolor I work on it regularly. It expands me as an artist & shows what I can do. An I use it for content. I have probably over 350 pieces of work. It shows my progression as an artist as well. I can offer the orginals for sell right off my website. But I design as well an I do photography for a living. I have a portfolio of each as well. One for my clients to look up their session an order from. Book a session with me or for new clients to see they kind of portrait photography I do. An since I am a photographer, I have Specialty Art as well that's not of everyday clients. I add to that regularly, again creating more content. More stuff to be found by internet search engines: to get “my name” out there. Some of it simply gets used by other artist designing themselves. So I have a portfolio of clients others can see of my work. Plus a photography portfolio of: Auto & Gas Animals Bands Churches Citys Conceptual Country Dramatic Emotive Flowers Garden Holidays Macabra Musical Instruments Park & Perserves Quotes Statues & Ornates Social Skys Surreal Tavern Things Word Art I keep up with all these things on top of doing regular sells in portrait photography. You have to have real world sales! At minimum as a photographer I set the lowest goal of the day at 3-4 sessions when I worked full time. In season its 15-40 sessions a day depending on your location. Now that I'm ill & semi retired: I still do 3-4 sessions a couple times a week to keep honing my skills. I can't stress enough that you have to have real world sales an the ability to sell face to face. Either by setting up a location or studio to work out of for people to visit & buy. Or by doing art fairs. But this piece isn't about “real world” brick an mortar, which I can get into another time: Having a internet site is just as important as having a real world location. Think of it as the same. It's where people will go to learn & buy from you. An just like in real life you want them to be able to find it. It's not enough just to have a website. You have to be found in and on search engines. Ten years ago, many gave up on websites. Everyone had one, but they didn't understand what made one a good one or a bad one. They didn't put in a lot of effort to them an they failed. Or they didn't understand the science to them. If your doing this alone, like I have been all my life with no budget you can build one. It doesn't have to cost you much as long as you understand you have to keep putting content on it. It's like a living breathing thing: Just like someone visiting your studio, store or business. It will help you bring in more business if you invest time or money in to it. Ten years ago, their was about ten directories & search engines you could be found on. A lot of folks gave up, it wasn't enough of a return on their time or money. Now it's a standard. Just as much as having a brick an mortar location. If you don't have one, your business / art isn't going to be found. People research stuff before they go shopping. So it's all the more important. An I could spend days on just talking about websites, an how to do them so you stand out in a crowd but I'm trying to keep this simple. So the average person can understand. Ten years ago, if you could keep yourself in the top ten of search engines, you'd be found. You generated visitors by word of mouth. One website owner, sharing another website owners address. They would all link together in a network or “ring” of sites. There was only one major social platform: AOL . On it you could pay an arm and a leg to advertise your brand. But you couldn't really sell art work that way. An most businesses didn't have that kind of budget. Let alone artist. Selling for artist got done the same old fashion way: Word of Mouth. Your buddy would tell their buddy, to check you out. Word of Mouth would spread. Sales still work this way. In real life and on the internet. But now instead of ten search engines, we manly have one people go to. An instead of one expensive social platform we have at least ten I can think of. Not only do you have to do artwork daily, sell regularly in the real world, update your website consistently. You have to be on social media! Businesses need word of mouth! But artist need it even more! You have to communicate to the world, your lifes work. There are at least 11 social platforms you should be on: Youtube LinkIn Tumblr Lifestream.aol Podcast And I'm sure there is more actually, but those are the majors. Some people insist you don't have to do them. An that you don't really have to update them much. An you don't if you can generate enough word of mouth without them in the “real world”. But if your interested in more customers, an getting more world of mouth is a good thing for you: Then you will. I could spend weeks on just this top alone. Because it's not just about marketing, or becoming famous, how many likes you have or followers. Although those things may or may not come with it: It's about word of mouth: The best and oldest way to get what you do out there. I meet a few new people a couple of months ago. Never spoke to them in my life: but they knew: One I was an artist. Two: I was good. Three: I could do what they needed done. You can't buy word of mouth. It's free and it's priceless. Yes there is a right way to market on them an not offend anyone, without paying for ads. Which, I recommend for some an not others. It depends on what your art is. What your service is. Your product. I worked for one of the best studios to work for, CPI. In some of the best locations. An they have decent products, good service, great locations: but they could not beat the word of mouth on the internet. They could not compete with photographers on the internet. Not because they where bad, but because they didn't respond to customers on the internet. They didn't show their work as often as they could. So, great solo photographers grabbed the market because they where on social media. They showed better work & where doing the internet right. An they where getting all the word of mouth. My studio went up 20K in sales all on word of mouth. I had people traveling 60-100 miles just to come see me, do a session with me and buy my artwork. When the company was failing as a whole. Why? Because they heard about me. All because I was good and asked them join me on social media & like my Facebook page. I'd get home from work, post my work of sessions customers gave me permission to an respond to them. The company as a whole didn't do that. They had great service, products an usually better photography but they didn't do that on the internet. An it hurt them enough to bankrupt them. So I can't even begin to tell you how important it is to have word of mouth: not just off line but online. Now, that's about what it takes to run just a normal business real brick an molter business. The basics of it an I haven't even gone into details. An artist has to do one other thing, as if that isn't enough right? Artist need to be on as many art sites as they can find. Why? Your branding your name: Sometimes it's gonna be your name an your name only that sells your artwork. Remember, your wanting to leave a legacy that lives on after you do. That requires you be found as many ways as you possibly can. So search engines pick you up. You'll need to upload a decent copy of your art work on: Redbubble Fine Art America / Pixel ImageKind Deviant Art Behance Aritist.com Etsy Sedition Society6 There are more then that and I recommend you get on as many as you can handle. I started out on ImageKind. To avoid the fees, I just posted my fractal art, a portfolio of the latest. You have to decided what your budget can afford. If you can be on all of them great. If you can't do what you can afford to. Most of the sites I listed are free, or low based. Your work will come up more in Google, generating more hits. An more sales. Don't expect the sales to make you a living. It's more about getting noticed, making a name for yourself and it living on after you do. A legacy. It does create residual income. Even if it's low, it's worth the effort. I personally just keep adding a site to put my artwork on. I'm all over the place, so I can be found. It's NOT easy. It's time consuming an only you can decide how much of your time it's worth to do this. My main portfolio of portrait photography is rarely seen. It's made me the most. I'd post it all if I had time to. Or owned all of it still. I myself, am getting away from that. My advice, is start with one of these websites, so you can sell prints & products of your work. Get a idea of how long it takes you. I'm pretty fast at it, so I can usually do a piece of work, post it to ten different sites an update all those social media accounts. Plus pay attention to people on them. I have make the time to. I make the time. I do mainly: Traditional Art, Design, Photography an thinking about going into the digital specialty art of photoshop manipulation. Each thing I do goes through this process. Make the art Update the website Post to art sites Post to social media Sell the art Sometimes it's reversed depending on the what kind of art your doing. In photography, it's smarter to sell it to them first, then post to social media. It just depends. But as you can see, I'm working four main things artistically an on about 30 sites to make that 1% of sales artist make on the internet. So when I tell you, it's NOT for the faint of heart. I'm not lying. I just mentioned art sites but graphic designers & photographers should be on: Dreamstock Shutterstock Foap Bigstock Istock Fololia Some use Flickr, Pica an shopify. It depends on what your doing artistically. There's 3DOcean & Envato for designers or more tech savy. Plus freelancer for jobs if you think doing all those aren't keeping you busy enough. My point is, artist who are pretty disciplined about doing artwork to begin with make it. You entertain others with it as you post, creating more word of mouth. That thing, that most artist need to sell. I've been brought up on ImageKind, spotlighted on Redbubble an others told about me helping me out with my photography sales. Even if I didn't sell a lot online, it helped me sell a lot face to face in real life. It helped me get jobs in the arts. So while most artist don't have a marketing team behind them. Let alone a lot of money to throw around: This is the way you go: Stackable. It's a computer networking term, the takes one thing and connects it to many. It leaves a big foot print on the internet & in real life: A Legacy. I just have to remember I'm not a computer some days: an human.  I watched a program on Salvador Dali, the Surrealist the other day. Dali was one of the most successful artist of the 20th Century. He was worth millions, an died broke. He shouldn't have. He was a very generous man, an had always offered those close to him, loyal to him, that helped him sell his paintings 10% of his sales. To me, that's just a smart way to be. Reward people for being there for you. Supporting you. So, I intend to offer the same: I will give anyone: 10% of the traditional artwork sales you bring me personally. I will give $20 to anyone that sends me a photography client who purchases the digital CD. If you send me five purchasing clients, I will do a photo session for you for free: Give you a CD of the session so you can print them up on your own. To me, this is no different then Dali's way of saying thank you. The problem Dali ran into, was trusting someone in his late years that didn't have his best interest at heart. They had him sign over rights to his copyrighted works. It was suppose to have been a trust, an the works go to Spain when he passed. But it didn't exactly work out that way. Now, I can only hope to be as good as someone like Dali by the time I pass: But I do worry about what will happen to my works after I'm gone. I want the works to be in a trust, an my children to benefit from them. No one else. An I want that to be pretty clear. I'm on a lot of online websites. There are arrangements between those sites & myself as an artist to print & sell those works: but they do not own the rights to them. The rights, after I'm gone go to my children. If nothing comes of them, so be it but if something does. It's theirs to be divided up equally. I'd like the unsold artwork kept together. Not divided or fought over. So it can be displayed. They can sell pieces, as long as all three agree to sell. It has to be for a decent price or the original is not worth selling. If they do sell, they have to make it clear to the buyer they, an they alone will always own the copyright of the piece. Only they are legally allowed to profit of it's prints or products. They need to be sure to keep a good digital copy of the prints. So they will always have residual income. If my artwork never makes a cent for them: They've lost nothing. But if it does, it's theirs an theirs alone. With the exception of making sure they give the ten percent to anyone who physically sells one of the pieces. That's my “will” on it. Simple enough. So, why am I thinking about this anyway? A few reasons: I'm getting older for one, an trying to recover from an physical illness: a breast cancer scare. Which I'm not really sure I've beat. I have to go back an get rechecked. I've had asthma attacks. Experienced a lot of sluggishness. Removed myself from any medication that could be causing it an all the doctors can only say for sure is that I do have a thyroid problem going on. The medication for it doesn't seem to be working. I have a great deal of tiredness an it's hard to get motivated. I'm pretty swollen up. My face looks like I've gone ten rounds in a boxing ring. An for most part feels like it some days. I'm not whining: I'm alive. Thankful for that. Slowly, I'm recovering from whatever is really physically going on with me. I feel better then I did a year ago. While I'm tired, it's no where near the level it was a year ago. It's not pure exhaustion. An some people are just going to have to accept that. An the fact, that their behavior wasn't so hot. Not that I'm perfect. Because I'm not but when your seriously ill probably isn't the time to pick on someone. The only plus side of it is that people really do show you their true colors during a time period when you can't really fend for yourself. My oldest child wasn't there for me at all. She was to stuck on what I did wrong as parent to be. My son tried to be but verbally abused me up one side an down the other. The youngest was just getting kept away from me. An the others, well is the reason I'm writing this. When your sick, you really don't want people around you who will try to take advantage. It's really easy to “kick” someone when they are down. Your pretty vulnerable to whatever whim some get on. Defenseless. An you can forgive some of it, but not all of it. During it, your kinda well: They don't know. They don't understand. An well, they are the ones that have to live with it. It'll be their regret if ya actually kill over dead. My kids, I can easily forgive. Others, I'm struggling to because it's the same shitty manipulative behavior. The kind that picks you over before you're even dead. So I write this to protect my kids from it in the future. I'm human. I'm gonna die someday an people attacking me, my life, my character when Im ill it isn't going to change the life I lived. I won't have them rewriting my whole life to fit their needs. They weren't apart of my life for the most part a majority of it. So they don't get to say, she was this or that. They don't know me, an they still didn't get to know me. An it's their loss. But I won't let it be my kids. Dali, wasn't perfect. The man painted abstract pictures of masturbation in a time period that you didn't even talk about sex. His father wouldn't even speak to him after a certain point in his life. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to his art career. He no longer sat around trying to please someone he couldn't please. He focused on what he should have been: His art. If he sat around dwelling on OMG what's my family going to say: We might never have got to see all the wonderful things he produced. An I can't either just because four people I'm related to don't like me or afraid of what I might put out there. Dali's dad refused to speak to him an life got nothing but better for Dali. He left the small local scene, an grew into a international artist. Bigger then he would have ever been if he let his dad's approval or disapproval of his artwork have the last say. He might have censored it. Demanded Dali do something else. Behave differently. Ect. I myself can say, my son probably needs to rain himself in a little on social media. But I won't. It's his choice how he expresses himself an has to live with it. I don't always agree with what he is posting but I won't interfere with someones right to free speak. All I can do as his mother is say: That's probably not the best way to show the world who you are. It might come back an bite you in the ass. But for all I know it could be the right way for him. It might get him where he wants to be, doubtful but maybe. You never know. Dali didn't have kids. I doubt if he had he would have ever had to listen to he was a bad parent for going to work in his studio. I have. My “studio” just happened to be in my home office. Just because they couldn't see the artwork didn't make it any less real. Just because I can't display the 5000+ photo shoots I've done doesn't mean they weren't real work either. It's like saying my father never worked because he operated soly out of his house to do his work. Framing an rentals are home businesses. They are family businesses. My daycare was out of my house. Dealing with people that run on you for that is annoying. They will treat you like your just sitting around eating bon bons doing nothing with your time. Even if you built a empire doing it. So I really don't have a lot of use for the few that didn't understand it an went on in the backgrounds of my childrens lives telling them I was neglecting them. This would be like someone saying my grandmother did because she was watching her children and hoeing a cotton field at the same time. She was working & mothering at the same time. To some it might have been seemed better if she just went to a factory job an didn't take them with. That is only because some can't wrap their minds around the concept of: Yes some of us took our kids to work with them. I'd took them to the gas station I managed if I could as well. In fact I did one day, take my son to work with me a few hours: Just so he could learn about what it is I did all day. I'd bring my daughter an her friends up to the studio all day too once in a while. So they got: I'm not ignoring you. I'm actually working. The only place I wouldn't take them much to was the bar. Unless it was daylight, a family meal or gathering: I saw no reason for them to be in it. Parents have to work to support their children. My children saw me work. All of it might not been as successful as I'd like it to be but I was working. They also saw me studying a lot. Going to college. Am I a bad parent for that too? The only time my kids where not with me, they where with my grandmother or another adult supervising in my home. I didn't like the Latch & Key way I was raised. I went way out of my way not to mommy by telephone. I was also home with them. They might not have had my full attention constantly but I was there for them if they needed me. It was no different then if I had taken them to a job with me. Its no different then me working on a painting in my own home. Mine just happened to be on the computer a lot. An they could not always see what I was doing. Nor could the person(s) that constantly runs me down for it. Just because everyone else was only online to socialized didn't mean I was. So right now, I will apologize to my kids for being a space cadet. I don't mind saying, I was distracted. Or that I usually had ten things going on at once. No different then if I had took them to my gas station management job. I would have had to watch them, an do my job: but I did pay attention to you more then I was growing up. A lot more. An someday, my kids will have kids of their own an understand just how hard it is to raise children an work. They may choose to put their kids in daycare while they work. I choose not to most of it. I'm not the only one that choose to parent this way. It made me working harder. But I didn't complain about having a kid stuck to my leg 24-7. I choose to have you. I wanted you an I raised each one of you best I could with you with me as much as possible. Being a single mother is a hard task. An I am forever grateful to my grandmother for co parenting with me. She didn't have to. An I didn't make her. A good chunk of the time, she'd insist the kids come up to her house wither they really needed to or I wanted her to. What I am not grateful for is the constant criticism of me parenting all during it. Or someone interfering an robbing my youngest of years with me based on me living in a house they sold me or me being ill. It's not fair to her. It never will be. An I don't care what someone who has always only worked for another has to say about it. By all means yes, it certainly is easier. I get that, but it never leads to any great accomplishments in life either. Some don't get what it means to own your own business, successful or not. An you never had three kids teetered to you all through you work day either. I literally use to breastfed my youngest while sitting at the computer working on something. My son sat next to me all day long playing, napping or learning to crawl as I learned HTML. I was there for every diaper change, burp or gas movement for each one of them. Even if it meant I had to stop what I was programming, drawing or studying in college to attend them. An tell ya truth, it was no different then when I was a teen working or doing artwork around my little sisters needs. I wasn't a phone call away. I was there. If my kids are mad at me about it, it's because someone has been putting it in their head that it was wrong. An that's all they do, is go on about how “wrong” I am. Even though, I flat out told one of them I'm thinking about writing a book an they stated “You should.” then play victim when I start. How do you think Dali's career would have went had he listened to his Dad? I can tell you from personal experience not so damn hot. He would have stayed local. He never would have meet the people in the surrealist movement an probably never seen the wax museum that so influenced his art. An Dali sold so well, not only because he had great art but because people all over talked about him. He stirred up controversy. He was known for it. It helped him establish himself as a household name. So let the “haters” hate. Let them talk. No one remembers who talked about Dali, or even much of what they had to say about him. They remember Dali thou, an his art. An that's what I would like my children to understand. I'm not doing this or that to hurt someone. I just don't need that someones approval or they few using you to get at me. It won't work. I'll just take more pictures, paint more murals an put out more content. You don't have to like it, but maybe someday I'll have a real Legecy to really leave you. Then you might understand. An if not, I'm sorry but your grown adults: An I like to think I've taught you all to think for yourselves. Dali did, an I don't think hes a bad example to follow. Tons said he was crazy too an whether he was or not. He wasn't really, he just really got okay with putting himself out there. Which, back in the day was unheard of, specially topics he covered. Because back in the day, you didn't even talk about sex let alone admit to masturbation. He shocked many not accustomed to a culture where nudism on he beach was normal. That didn't make him crazy. It just gave him the ability to have others question the status quo of their own cultures. It didn't make him crazy. It really just boiled down to being raised differently then anothers culture. I don't regret the way I raised my children. When I was 8,9, 10 years old, my grandmother use to paint all day watching me & my sister. I have found memories of being with her while she did. She would even let me paint, or dabble in whatever as well. She'd hand me the book she was learning from, an have a go at it myself. I still have those books.I'd watch Bob Ross with her, totally enjoying learning something new. An she would take me along with her to her sisters house who was a farmer, an artist herself. Her sister got into it even more, with her husband building picture frames an selling at art shows. I enjoyed that part of my upbringing. I thought nothing of buying my daughter a barbie computer, with preschool software to learn her ABCS. She could work on hers, while I worked on mine. An that was pretty strange to some folks too. Letting a three year old get on the computer an play. But I did. I made sure my son had a hot wheels computer an could enjoy it just as much as I did. My oldest started to hate on the computer, bored with it: I reintroduced into it being like a library because she loved to read. I made sure each kid had one, so they could explore their passions: Even if it was just Everquest. An I let my youngest get on social media, as long as she was safe about it. I'd take the time to check on her account. Who was on it, why they where an how she knew them. My kids run computers better then most adults. A skill needed in this day an age an if they ever wanted a career in it they could have it. Easily. My nephews in college for it right now. Learning exact same stuff I went to college for. When he was little, he use to play on my sons. An I don't regret teaching any of them a little bit about computers. Or what it was, I was trying to do for work. The kids get it better then most adults around me. Because they grew up playing games with artwork on computer screens. And none of them might not ever go down the arts bunny hole I have but if they do: It's certainly okay with me. This is where the future is going. An I won't apologize for teaching my kids about it. Or working. Or working from home. Wanting to own your own business. Or Art. An someday, they are going to look back at it an go: Yea, that really wasn't all that bad of her. But Dali didn't have kids, or a computer...but he did have one other thing I have: A admiration for Disney. He didn't work for Walt even though he wanted to. He ended up in the Twilight Zone instead an I don't much mind going there myself. Crazy, not crazy: As my grandma would say to me: “Who gives a shit” “Just do at least one thing a day an it will add up to something” OH! and...“Practice” AND “Stop giving a shit what other people think” Best advice ever! Given from one artist to another. If your an artist, an on social media because you have to be: take a primer out of Dali's life. Don't worry about your families/”friends” approval. They aren't your buyers anyway. If you are worried about their approval all your gonna end up doing is painting flowers. Because flowers are about the only thing you can do artistically that doesn't offend someone. An the weather is about the only thing you can write about that doesn't piss someone off. Even then, you'll have a few haters. Focus on who encourages you. Not the ones who don't. An you'll find a lot more love, then hate. An for all you know, your hater could end up jump starting your career. Dali's dad certainly did his.  What's in a name? I had someone all upside down because I use my original real name on the internet.. It's my father's last name, an everyone knows it yadda yadda. Can't have anyone spoiling his name. First of all, in the scheme of things: Most of the world, doesn't even know who the hell my father was. So it's MY name I'm putting out there. "Well I'll just have Facebook remove it" Ya gonna go over the astrologer Dana Haynes too. Tell her she can't post her astrology stuff cause you didn't approve it? How about the author Dana Haynes? There is one out there. He writes fiction. Never read it, but he's taking up my name on Google search results when you search for the artist an it's annoying to me. Mainly because I'd like my art to be found, but he's got a budget for Adwords I don't have right now. Shows up more then any of us. There is also some tv personality out west that goes by Dana Haynes. Guess they should just go tell them they can't use the name Haynes, because someone died who once carried it. What's in a name anyway? I follow a guy named GaryVee on social media. He is branding his name. His parents ran a family business he helped blow over the top on the internet. I like him because I have a few things in common with him. One, the industry that he was in, my family was too. His was a liquor store, mine a tavern. Both he & I have been around since the early days on the internet following the trends. Busting butt on it. The difference between him & I is I had a divorce in there an lost my momentum. You disappear on the internet pretty quickly if you don't keep hounding it. Like him, I had spent time building a family business I didn't own an wasn't going to get credit for. It's your parents. I might have been Vice President of it on paper but just like him: It wasn't getting me anywhere. An if it did it would only be at the death of someone you love. Which doesn't feel so great. An I wanted to do art anyway if I had a choice where I was going to put my extra time and energy in. The thing I like about him so much is he got the internet was just as much a reality as “real life”. An when I talk about people I use to hang out with online or respect: He's the kind I was drawn to. The creatives that mixed business & the internet. That saw how important the internet was going to become. Who where interested in branding on it: Not just creating a website an leaving it sit out in open air an hopes someone visits it. Who weren't interested in get rich schemes, who saw the actual work you had to put in. Understood it. An interested in where it was heading. I had my niche, to practice with: Daycare Providers & Moms. It's what my life revolved around a lot at the time, so it was good practice on how to get up there to the top. An it took a lot of work to stay in the top ten. Discipline. I didn't have a full time marketing budget or anyone else but me to do the work. A few signed on to volunteer to write occasionally an that was about it. The ended up going into online teaching because it was starting to pay a little. Most couldn't afford those early days of really making a website work. Or the effort it takes keep one fresh: An keep on branding. Let alone have a budget to keep programming. I just had to keep learning, an following the wave to stay on top. It all came to a end, right about the time I was figuring out how to actually make it produce a income. My computer crashed for one. Which has messed me up several times, but I was getting a divorce. My husband at the time, an countless others around me just couldn't see why I thought this was so dang important. The most people used computers for at the time was bookkeeping. But there where other artist online, who just like me where learning to draw on theirs. Others learning how to build websites. Few where into all aspects of it like I was. I was getting noticed so much a local Marketing Company contacted me. They wanted to “interview” me. They said they where a publishing company an just getting into building websites: Would I be interested? Getting divorced of course I was. I went & got grilled basically about this or that topic. I was pretty much told afterwords, we like what your doing but you don't have a degree in it so please come back after you get one. An it was very much came across as “we are the real world”, the “authority” on this, you are not. What they had was something that was dying: Publishing & a hardware geek telling. They didn't undersand the internet. They just understood how to profit off people who knew they needed a website. They didn't have what I had. The ability to actually have people visit the websites. My self doubt, an listening to others tell me the “internet wasn't the real world” lead me back to college. I shouldn't have listened to them. I should have stayed on course an continued doing what I had been. It was working. Had I continued I'd have a site worth tons of money today. I let people around me sabotage me. They didn't, an a lot of them still don't understand the internet. They have a old school business model of how things work, an it's like pulling teeth to even get some to use their little computer phones correctly. When they finally did get it on it, I suddenly got attacked a lot in real life. Omg, she's saying this, she's doing that. No, I won't make a myspace page, or a Facebook page. She's a bad parent! I'm going to take her to court, an try to take away her son. I'm going to take her to court an have the judge stop her on Facebook. Even though everything I was doing was actually exactly what I should be doing. I had to deal with someone walking into court with a 100 pages of my facebook feed printed out. With them going on about how crazy I was, an how I was sabotaging them. The judge threw it out: basically stating all he sees me staying on it: Is leave me alone. It's a fact, recorded down at the Winnebago Court house. Literally trying to take away my free speech. It's the same people that always have sabotage me in real life, an my grandmother. So I pretty much ignore them as much as I can. But it's a little hard to ignore when they are calling police on you with false accusations, harassing you in court, through courts and the system. I've had police called, the health dept, dcfs an all kinds of stuff done to me all in the name of trying to shut me up. It's all on record. Documented. An it's why I left the internet, an went an worked in a another town completely. Then they called me “paranoid”. It's not paranoia if its really happening to you. They told everyone I had mental issues, tried to have me locked up in a mental ward an that I'm bipolar. When I was actually going through a breast cancer scare an pretty much starving cause I was too exhausted to work. They got away with taking my child away from me because I was too broke & sick to fight them off any longer. All sorts of dirty tricks pulled. An a lot of money lost combating it. That's how real the internet is. An it's how real a bully is. I suffer from PSTD from what happened before I was 13, an what happened after my grandmother & dad passed. I've had clinical depression from it. A normal reaction to BULLSHIT. In fact the first time I didn't go along with the program at 21, one of these people who was behind this tried to say I was crazy back then. So, I went to the a shrink. Told him all I had been through up to that point in my life. An that's exactly what he said: Your not crazy. Any normal person would be depressed having gone through what you have. Myself, I'm going back to what it is I do: Art. An I really don't give a rats ass if a few select few who bullied me back then or over the years don't like it. They where the major ones saying “the internet” isn't real. Scared of the technology to begin with. They don't understand it, aren't very good at it or the art of it. They are just running around with phones, thinking they are experts now since everyone uses one. Deep down bullies live in fear an try to push that on to others. And the internet is competitive enough without having one of these bullies bothering you. Block them. Get a restraining order if you have to. I am if one more thing happens to me. Most people doing that won't have an major significance on the internet. They have little in real life. An if they do have some kind of influence, It won't last without them putting in the work I originally was talking about anyway. Few are willing to go the mile it takes to really be a “influencer” or successful on the internet. I had a 51% influencer rate back before I stepped out to deal with these bullies. Don't even waste your time with them. They are nothing but making themselves an obstacle to your success. Much like that little marketing company did me. They knew a little bit, but not a lot. They knew a one side, but not all of it. Promoting even a small business on here is a lot of work to brand it. To really be successful on it, you have to be on about ten platforms at one time. But if you are an artist, not only do you have to do your art, sell it in real life, run a website, be on ten social sites at once but every art website on it there is. It's a shit ton of work. It’s not just about Likes. You don't have time to get side tracked by a bully who's jealous, insecure or doesn't understand what your doing. The art world is pretty competitive to begin with. You really have to stand out to sell art in the first place let alone on the internet. You really have to work the internet to stay alive in real world sales too. You can no longer just sell in the “real world”. You have to be in the “internet world” too. It's becoming “the world”. Just like Gary Vee says, I've said. You can not rely on one or the other an make it. Internet sales for artist are growing by 40%. But it's less then 1% of artist who actually make sales on the internet. I am one of those 1% who actually made sales. I've watched a whole art industry (photography) take a nose dive in “real life” because they just didn't have a strong internet presence. They can't compete with the internet photographers. An that was with them having some of the best locations in the “real world”. They are being forced to step up their game, include the internet or get out of the business. I am a actual successful artist on the internet an in real life. I'm telling you, I don't even know if I want to put in the effort required to “make it” with the health problems I have going on. I'm tired a lot, but I also don't want to give up because I know what's just around the corner an can be a guide. I'm going to listen to my gut on this, not someone else's who doesn't know what they are talking about. An isn't supportive. I've been right to many times in the past for me to question it. My dad made fun of me, few years before he passed because I said I wanted to go into tattoo. Asked me what the hell would I want to do that for? Well because it's an artform an I want my own businesses doing just art for a change. Not all this hassle. He was all, no no no: Whatcha need is to go into publishing. Print. Open us a newspaper. See? My dad, thought old school business. An not a lot about art. I was right: years later tattoo exploded. Publishing was/is loosing money. I should have listened to MY GUT. Instead of getting caught up in his approval or not. I'm going to listen to guru's that have been on this thing as long as I have that actually know what they are talking about. Those are the types I've missed. But I would advise you to be cautionary about even that: A lot are self professed guru's that haven't really put in the work. An not really going to teach you all aspects of something you need to know. Just like there are a lot of self professed photographers running around these days. They've never worked in studio. Don't know sales. Don't understand branding. They haven't invested in software. They aren't good with enhancements. Don't know Photoshop or Lightroom or even much about a camera. Let alone much about the internet. Yet they got a social media account an think they are going to be the next Anne Grddes. It took her decades to build that kind of portfolio & income. It doesn't happen over night. You can claim to be whatever you want to, but it’s the real work involved that makes one an expert. Even on the internet, unlike what so many want to believe: You have to put in the work. I've got so much work out there, I can't even keep track of it anymore. I've worked at companies, I can't even show a quarter of my work. But get this? A bully will sit around an tell you: You never worked. Don't listen to them. Art is WORK. Even if you aren’t earning a big paycheck. It just doesn't feel like work to most of us because we enjoy the work. I've put my share of 18 hour days on it. An that's the other reason I like Gary Vee: suggest if your interested in making a name for yourself, your business or company you listen to him. He's done the work in real life. He gets the internet because he has done it successfully. Most of what he say's can be applied to any business. He's very matter of fact about it. An gets what's going on. But if your not willing to put in the work, or handing it off to someone else you probably won't get very far. A digital footprint on the internet doesn't last very long. Followers stop following if you have poor marketing. An the likes get less an less if you don’t have a sense of humor. An it really doesn’t work if your marketing to the wrong audience for your business. Or not being authentic. Fake doesn’t fly so well. An things disappear. Things I worked on 21 years ago, can't be found. Poof gone. Just like in real life, it's hard to get your name out there, let alone remembered. Everyone remembers Nike, but few know the founders full name. Few, remember my dad's: Let alone knew him. Even fewer my Papa's who gave him, then me the last name to begin with. I don't sit around an think up ways to shame it. An I'm pretty sure the people that have the exact same name as me could care less what I’m doing. I really don’t pay them that much attention, nor them me. My goal, an I'm sure theirs is for it to be found & remembered. We all just kinda go at it differently. For different reasons. They are doing themselves, not me. An I dont sit around telling them they can’t use their own name. It’s just a concedence we have the same name anyway. It’s what each of us chooses to make of our own identies that matters anway. It's human nature to want people to remember your name while you are alive, an gone. But it's even bigger deal to an artist. Sometimes our name is what sells a piece of art. We brand it. Cause we all want to be like Dali. Not only great at the art we do but successful. So I don't really get in a huff over someone having the same name as mine. Or last name. My name's my name. I can do whatever I want with it. They can do whatever they want with theirs. So no amount of bullying is probably going to stop any one of us from using our names. An if you are, you probably need to rethinking what your doing. People have a right to be who they are. Those 3-4 people with the same name as mine: I don't have any right to go stepping on their toes, any more then they do mine. An wonder why anyone would. Don't like astrology, don't read her site. Don't like his book, don't buy another one. Don't like my art don't buy it, use it or unsubscribe. Get over the fact I intend to leave a BIG footprint when I leave this world. I wish some would stop asking me or trying to get me to stop being who I really am just because they have a expensive phones. I'm an artist, an it's usually a goal of most artist to leave a footprint before they leave this world. No matter what their gene. I’m not stepping on your little corner of the world. Nor have I. I'm not gonna disappear, just because the bully finally showed up to my world. It's not my fault you didn't get it. You could have had a big asset on your side. I've had a lot of time to work on building my brand. MY NAME. An it's what happens with artist. We need our names recognized. An most don’t care who the other Haynes are if they are looking for a specific one. Believe it or not I'm doing exactly what I should be. Managing, writing, drawing, painting, photography, programming, branding, media, promotion, sales & the internet. An others serious about it should give Gary Vee a listen. They aren't just “good idea's” They are the right ones to compete into today's market. I'll help brand him cause he knows what he's talking about. An he's gone through the old schoolers call him crazy too. So what's in a name anyway? Plenty. It seems okay for some to drag yours through the mud but god forbid you speak up when they do. Me dad use to say your word –name-- should be is as good as gold. Mine will be if God gives me enough time on this earth to do all the work I want to do. An that isn't taking away from my father, or my grandfather. An I don't go around asking those that have the same name as mine to shine less so I feel better about myself. If I want people to remember me, I have to work. My name isn’t going to be remembered because of my uncles, fathers, mothers or some stranger I don't know. Mine. This name is the one I was given by my father that most people know me by: I'm sticking with it lol I've got too much work invested in being me. I don't have time to be someone else. Dana Renee Haynes  Help. Charity. Supporting another an what do those things truly mean? I'm thinking about my grandmother a lot this year an various others that have truly helped me in my life time. My grandmother was big on helping people. She musta had a lot of Virgo in her or something. I'm not exactly ready to write about her. She was a big part of my life, so she's going to come up. She helped me a lot, but I helped her. When she passed I walked into the bar to my dads girlfriend saying to him, well I'm there for you. With him just looking at me with tears in his eyes: She don't get it. Was all he'd say. Hoping I could explain it to her. Thing is, I'm not sure I can either without writing a full book just on her, an the topics of help, charity and supporting someone. Many think it was the finical back up an support that is missed about her. While that was nice to know you had someone in your corner if you really need it. That wasn't it. It was the emotional support. The girlfriend was kinda well what am I dog shit? An me & my dad kinda laughed. Well, no of course you aren't. She was just different. An it's hard to explain. The woman had a way of being supportive of you even if she wanted to kick your ass. It's the best way I can put it I think. She was emotionally there for you. Even if she didn't believe in your dream or agree with you on something. She might have wanted to rip her hair out or eyeballs at times but she'd work though it with ya. You never really had to question if she'd be there for ya. She was a rock. You could be all over the place emotionally about something, an she'd get ya though it. She had great listening skills. Help. Charity. Supporting another an what do those things truly mean? I'm thinking about my grandmother a lot this year an various others that have truly helped me in my life time. My grandmother was big on helping people. She musta had a lot of Virgo in her or something. I'm not exactly ready to write about her. She was a big part of my life, so she's going to come up. She helped me a lot, but I helped her. When she passed I walked into the bar to my dads girlfriend saying to him, well I'm there for you. With him just looking at me with tears in his eyes: She don't get it. Was all he'd say. Hoping I could explain it to her. Thing is, I'm not sure I can either without writing a full book just on her, an the topics of help, charity and supporting someone. Many think it was the finical back up an support that is missed about her. While that was nice to know you had someone in your corner if you really need it. That wasn't it. It was the emotional support. The girlfriend was kinda well what am I dog shit? An me & my dad kinda laughed. Well, no of course you aren't. She was just different. An it's hard to explain. The woman had a way of being supportive of you even if she wanted to kick your ass. It's the best way I can put it I think. She was emotionally there for you. Even if she didn't believe in your dream or agree with you on something. She might have wanted to rip her hair out or eyeballs at times but she'd work though it with ya. You never really had to question if she'd be there for ya. She was a rock. You could be all over the place emotionally about something, an she'd get ya though it. She had great listening skills. An sometimes that's all a person needs: is a sounding board. For the most part you could talk to her about anything. Now, I'm pretty sure she'd put the phone down on the counter an let you ramble at times, or do something else while you went on but she listened. Even if she didn't like a damn thing you where saying. An not a lot of people have that ability: To listen. She'd listen, then usually offer up some sound advice. She had the ability to make someone feel heard. She was really good with children because of it. She was just there for you. I really don't know how else to put it. She was not just there for you with words, but with actions. Her deeds an words matched. You knew you could count on her. Where with others it's questionable. They maybe, they may not. An everyone needs someone like that in their life. Dependable. Support isn't always about financial. There is mental & emotional support. An the later is invaluable. Having someone you can truly communicate with all through out your life is a rare find. She is one of the few people I can say was supportive. She was well rounded. She didn't take your shit personally either. If it was your hang up, she knew it an didn't beat ya over the head for having it. She was accepting of who a person was. Even if she didn't like it. She would accept you for who you where an try to help you be the best person you could be. For the most part her support was invaluable. Priceless. It had nothing to do with money. Someone can throw all the money in the world at ya an it not be enough. But to have someone help you get at the root of why you do whatcha doing, help you be the best version of yourself you cam be an just listen is sometimes all ya need. She was a problem solver. Someone you could bounce things off of. An I guess I learned I needed that kinda of support way more then money. Someone I could communicate with. Someone that could stimulate your brain. So these are the types of people I've looked for. The internet was perfect for me: I could have these types of conversations an interact with others that where more cerebral. Not just nerds per say, but people who I could just have a decent conversation with or tell my problems to. An them me. Social sites use to be set up perfectly for this. I didn't hang out in sex rooms or very places where real conversations weren't happening. I'd hang out in mommy rooms, talk to girlfriends an was around spiritual rooms a lot. I got what I needed out of it: Mental & emotional support. Conversation. Inspiration. Ideas. Encouragement. I didn't have people around me that where non-supportive. It was easier to pursue creative outlets. I'd show something I did. They'd give me the merits of it. Good bad critiques etc. I had a support system that worked for me. Even if I didn't know these people in real life, they gave me much needed support to keep learning, growing, improving creatively. They supported my creative endeavors. Much like my grandmother would. They didn't always like everything I did, but I was still encouraged. I could be myself. Encourage is the key word there. That is what my grandmother gave all of us my dad was trying to articulate. It means to instill confidence or hope to someone. To cheer, uplift, inspire, motivate, stimulate, promote: hearten. Reassure. Comfort. Pep up. Stir up. Fire up. Understand. Helpful. An it is really helpful to have someone like that in your life: Who goes: You can do it. Just set your mind to it. She said that a lot to me. Since she's been gone it's been sorely missed. An I've thought a lot about what support, help and charity really mean. Yes, it's nice to have someone back you up financially but it's that other kinda help people truly need. The kind that doesn't have a price tag attached to it. That is just priceless, given freely with no expectation of return one way or another. It's like having a life coach in your life without the fee. It didn't matter she knew little to nothing about the internet, digital arts or computers. She still was my backbone. An his. An that's what he was trying to convey. To her he was trying to say: You might give me a lot of what she does in way of support: but a backbone is a totally different concept. I can't explain to you how she did it. She just did. An she didn't get the credit she deserved because it's hard to even explain. That was all he was trying to say. I don't get my backbone from you. I get/got that from her. He was saying he lost his because she passed. Most of my life, I've made it point to seek people out that are like that. Supportive. They are like looking for a needle in a haystack. I had those types around me a lot on the internet up until the last few years. They weren't her, like he said but I still got the same kind of nurturing from them. That's support to me. Money and material support will come an go, but that kinda of support is so precious that its value cannot be determined. It backs you up in everything you do or want to be. It's worth more. It's intangible. An I know plenty, that really held grudges against grandma cause she was this way. What's the big deal about her anyway? She's just your mother, or your grandma. Your too close to her, ect. She has to much influence on you. Ect. Why? Because she gave something of herself to few others never learn to give. Or can even perceive. It's why so many in her family are successful, even if they don't get it themselves. She instilled a backbone. Confidence. The people I had around me online in social networks gave me a similar kind of support. I never had to fear putting any kind of artwork out there before. My network didn't attack me. It supported me but moving to Facebook was a drastic change for a lot of us. Suddenly, people out there in real life where connecting An I have to tell you, it hasn't been the same for me since. Mixing internet friends an people in my “real” life was not good for me. My internet friends judged them, an they judged my internet friends. An I finally just got fed up with balancing the two an deleted everyone but my kids. I stopped putting out artwork on the internet. I stopped writing. I stopped a lot of things. I literally uprooted my ass an even went to work in another town just to get away from how non-supportive my “real life” network can be. I went an found me a totally different one at work, surrounding myself with people who where supportive of my creative endeavors. Who where not associated with either network. Online or off. Very few people in my real life even knew where I was at. Or what I was doing.Suddenly, people out there in real life where connecting An I have to tell you, it hasn't been the same for me since. Mixing internet friends an people in my “real” life was not good for me. My internet friends judged them, an they judged my internet friends. An I finally just got fed up with balancing the two an deleted everyone but my kids. I stopped putting out artwork on the internet. I stopped writing. I stopped a lot of things. I literally uprooted my ass an even went to work in another town just to get away from how non-supportive my “real life” network can be. I went an found me a totally different one at work, surrounding myself with people who where supportive of my creative endeavors. Who where not associated with either network. Online or off. Very few people in my real life even knew where I was at. Or what I was doing. An I like it better that way because I don't get non supportive backlash. Or calls judging what I wrote screaming at me to “take it down”. All I would get before was: You might want to check that for typos. Or that was inspiring, or you might want to work on that idea a little more. Or this is how it could be better. Or have you thought about this? You know ENCOURAGEMENT. I didn't get ignored, rejected stalked or threatened. I got honest feedback. I love it. I hate it. Or in that newer network worst that would happen is: Can we do it over? I never got be rated for using my creativity. Or for working on it. An it's sad that one literally has to unplug from something they have been apart of from the very beginnings of because these supposed “real life people” can be so NON-Supportive. I had to go find me another customer base all together because of it. A totally different network: Start completely over from scratch in place where no one knew me or my name just because of it. Not because I was doing anything wrong. Some of these folks that supposedly where helping me: Don't help.An I like it better that way because I don't get non supportive backlash. Or calls judging what I wrote screaming at me to “take it down”. All I would get before was: You might want to check that for typos. Or that was inspiring, or you might want to work on that idea a little more. Or this is how it could be better. Or have you thought about this? You know ENCOURAGEMENT. I didn't get ignored, rejected stalked or threatened. I got honest feedback. I love it. I hate it. Or in that newer network worst that would happen is: Can we do it over? I never got be rated for using my creativity. Or for working on it. An it's sad that one literally has to unplug from something they have been apart of from the very beginnings of because these supposed “real life people” can be so NON-Supportive. I had to go find me another customer base all together because of it. A totally different network: Start completely over from scratch in place where no one knew me or my name just because of it. Not because I was doing anything wrong. Some of these folks that supposedly where helping me: Don't help. An what's that mean anyway? To help. The dictionary defines it to assist. To give aid. To serve. Make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources. Strangers have helped me more over the years then most of the people in my real life: People that are supposedly close to me. There's usually a no strings kinda of attachment to help. Nothing in it for them either way. That's why my grandmothers help was always helpful. She didn't really get anything out of it other then knowing she was there for someone. The perfect example of help, that I can come up with is this one time I had forgotten to renew my drivers license. A guy I barely knew offered to take me down to the drivers bureau to renew it. He didn't ask for money, or bang over my head he was helping me: He just offered me the ride he knew I needed an was important to my well being and did it. He didn't even need a thank you, but I was thankful an thanked him. It was that simple. I wound up in the same situation few years later, cause I'm a space cadet. It's something I space off. Anyway, I didn't have other people around me to ask for a favor to do something so minor. I had to ask those “close” to me to take me an it was nothing but this big over blown deal. Guess what? Those “real life” people didn't help. For one reason or another it took over a month for me to get down to renew the thing because they kept saying they would help or where helping. An it was my son, that finally got fed up with all of it that took me. He had to skip school to do it but he helped. An there was a weight on me added to it for needing the “help”. He shouldn't have had to miss his morning classes but no one else “close to us” was going to do it. An it was important. These people would go on an on about how they where “helping me”. An I should be grateful. An this, an that an then you are kinda like: An they wonder why I'm not grateful. Any kind of “help” you get from them is nothing but a emotional pain in the ass. They treat you like their charity case. I don't really know anyone that likes that kind of “help”. Or responds well to that. The man that helped me first time I forgot really gave charity. He asked for nothing in return. An I was grateful for it. The others aren't helpful. They spend too much time going on about what they are doing for you to be helpful. Making someone feel like shit, or less then they are is NOT HELPFUL. I've never known my grandmother to be that way. She never pounded over my head, I'm helping you. She didn't need to. Anymore then that stranger did. An for these kind of people you are grateful. They inspire you. In some ways I was my grandmothers charity case: but she was charitable in an emotional way. People think she gave me more financially then she ever really did. She helped me in other ways more then anything. She helped me raise my kids for one. I paid her back financially more then I ever borrowed from her for this exact reason. Her major resource wasn't money, but the investing of time in someone. She didn't treat me like her personal project either. When she gave of her resources be it time, money or what knot it was because she wanted to. An I find it much easier to go get “help” from someone who wants to then someone who doesn't. An the truth is, I've never needed tons of help anyway. I tend to do like she did an help others without making a big deal out of it. I see no reason to toot my own horn about it. Someone “close” to me said: that's your problem an you always get screwed because of it. Not really. The resources I might give another are never more then I can afford to give or loose to begin with normally. They are usually intangible. Things you can't really repay even if you wanted to. That's the kind of help I found helpful. Anyone really not interested in helping themselves usually miss the point of mine or her's existence anyway. A resources isn't always material. Or financial. There are other kind of assets to have in this world, you can't put a price tag on: Like a network of people around you who won't or doesn’t sabotage your life. I've done a lot of Charity work in my life, that never involved me spending a dime. Or loosing one. Giving relief to someone in need is Charity. It's philanthropy, humanitarianism, humanity, altruism, public-spiritedness, social conscience, benevolence, beneficence, munificence. It doesn't always involve financial assistance, aid, welfare, relief, financial relief; handouts, gifts, and presents. It can, but it's the spirit in which it is given that makes it true charity or not. There is a difference between it an someone giving you a loan. Or exchanging resources with you. True charity expects nothing in return except the knowledge you did something good. It's given in the right spirit. That is it's own reward. It's the desire to promote the welfare of others. It's not just the quality of meaning well, but of kindness doing so. There are plenty of people around who will do things for you meaning well, but they are not always kind going about doing it. Some are just down right cruel when they “help” others. No, charity is something else: It's kindheartedness, big-heartedness, goodness,and goodwill towards the ones your doing it for. Not pity or sympathy but empathy. Sensitivity. Warmth. Tenderness. Tolerance & Mercy. It holds only compassion. These are the things my grandmother was good at. She was a enabler in the best sort of ways. An the kind of people I prefer to be around. Truly Supportive.  Part of surviving abuse, is speaking up. I'm not here to relive the past but it is part of my story. My life. An it's something I had to live with. I don't think I had it the worst. I know others that did live with much worse happening to them. An I really don't dwell on it. Physical abuse is much easier to get over then mental or emotional abuse & manipulation. An the years following turning my parents in for the physical abuse where the worst for me because of those things. I was guilted A LOT! Art became a get away. A way to escape “reality” in my head. It gave me mentally something else to focus on that was a lot more positive. It got me through some very hard times. Always has because there is something therapeutic about putting “feelings” into a painting, drawing or poem: whatever your release val: music. It's a way to “get it out of you”. An a lot more productive then self destruction. An it might be where the cliché of “tourtured artist” comes form. Some of my art is a bi-product of bad experiences. An it's why I have a hard time talking about them sometimes. I don't want to say, “Well this piece came from a memory of a beating I endured for coloring the wall at age two. Or this one from being kicked across the kitchen floor an screamed at: I never wanted you. But part of being an artist is to convey a feeling depth. So you will pull from bad memories to create gold. Turn something bad, into something good. It's the same notion as trying to turn water into wine. You want something worthwhile to come out of all you've been put through: Not just be the target of meaningless none sense. Art is a form of self therapy. An it's a lot more productive then just drowning in sorrow. Which is only one emotion out of the whole human experience. So to me, good artist conveies the full spectrum. But arts personal, no matter how much an artist tries to depersonalize it so they can put it out there publicly. I personally didn't like abstract as an art form for many years, now I see it as telling a secret without giving away the secret. Because I really don't like talking about some of the things I've gone through. Sometimes you must. Not to be mean. Or hurt someone. That's not really my intention: But sometimes you have to speak up. Especially when it's happening to you again. An you have to keep speaking up til a bully stops or gets your not going to take it. I'm not being physically abused right now: but I have been ganged up on plenty emotionally, financially and mentally since my grandmother and my dad died. I resent it an that's all there is to it. I don't want to be around anyone who has tried to take advantage of me. I don't want to be subjected to being degraded behind closed doors again. Or talked about behind my back. A normal response. Because the only way I have found to deal with a bully: Is get it all out there in the open. They are a lot less likely to pull stunts on you if the whole world is watching. Silence is what allows abuse to happen. An I had good reason to be silent to a degree the last ten years; a business I inherited was at stake. I was caught in a catch 22. You want it to do well, so your silent about a lot of things. You let this or that slide, because your not willing to destroy something you helped build. An I'm not, but I'm not going to sit here an just take the same shit I took as a child either. I'm a grown adult. Who is an artist. Who does have to tell her story, background an about her life to sell art. It's part of it. If this makes some uncomfortable then maybe they should look at their own behavior over the years instead of trying to isolate me from the world like they did back in the day. Maybe they should stop trying to control me, or my life. Maybe just maybe, they shouldn't have tried to use my kids. My daughter was verbally attacked on her birthday. Called all kinds of things right in front of me basically for being a typical teenager. She's a good kid. Gets good grades. Involved in choir. Cross country. Works a job. Very busy with a lot of good things going on in her life. She left what should have been an enjoyable occasion, that was suppose to be all about her in tears. Same kinda tears I cried as a teenager. She was basically being bullied on. Dealing with depression from it. An while I've let a lot go since my father and grandmother passed: I'm not willing to have my kids done in the same fashion I was or have been. The only way you can stop abuse: any kind – physical, mental or emotional: Is to speak up. You have to remove yourself from their presence. I don't care how much you love them. Or if it tears your heart out to let them go. You have to stand up to it. I might have been willing to take a certain amount of shit to keep my fathers business going. I may have kept quiet about things of the past an let a lot of things happen to me that shouldn't have since my father and grandmother passed. I'm use to being a survivor of abuse an taking a certain amount of shit but I'm not willing to let my children get sucked into the vortex an go through things I have. An it's not okay for someone to use your children to get even with you. Abusers and bullies hold grunges. An you accept that to a degree as the family member that turned them in. You live with the being outcast in your own family mark. But what I've found is someone truly repentant of it happening to you doesn't treat you that way. Most in my family where glad I told. Glad to have it end. Happy to let it heal and want to move on from it. We grew from it. An those that have, I've embraced. But those that use those same old tactics of trying to guilt you, be raid you or destroy you will try to get away with it again. An you have to speak up. It's not okay to treat me this way. Or anyone else for that matter. Cause if you don't, they will do it all over again. They may not lay hand on you but they will try to destroy your life. An will use whatever means possible. I understand more then anyone people want their privacy if they've been abused. They don't want it all out there. I understand it better then anyone because I don't like the memories of it, or having to relive it. But if you don't speak up, an keep speaking up an abusive person will use that very exact thing to try put you through all kinds of things again. I've been put through enough. I'm physically sick. I don't feel good an I'm tired. I shouldn't have to deal with this behavior. I haven't taken it off anybody since I was twelve an I am not going to bend over backwards to keep the peace to repair relationships better off broken. What part of I don't want to be around it, or it around my children do some people not get. I've pretty much given up just about everything rightfully mine just so I couldn't be done that way an keep being exposed to it. I would chew my own arm off to get away from that type of person or behavior. What part of that, hasn't sunk in over the past forty or so years for some I will never get. I'm not saying all this to hurt someone, or violate anyone's privacy. It's the only way I know that works: Stand up, be vocal about it an a nicely as you can tell them it's not okay. Stay away from me if your going to continue to behave in that way. It's the only way to free yourself from a bully. An it's not okay to use other family members to justify what your doing. If they can't understand by now your being picked on and at by someone from ever angle then you have to stay clear of them to. This is why abuse survivors go through depressions. Cause I'm not by nature a depressed person. I'm normally pretty happy to live my own life. My depressions stem from the exact same root they always have: When I'm getting done that way an still trying to get along with an unreasonable person. You try because you still love them an other family members: but if they are using that against you. Then you do have to cut out all contact with anyone not supportive of you. An this might mean they get their way isolating you from other family but you probably better off. You'll be a lot less depressed that's for sure cause your not exposed to it any longer. One of my abusers, didn't like what I wrote the other day. Which I thought was actually pretty good. I had to deal with several phone calls from other family members to take it down. I hurt that persons feelings. An I was being guilted into removing it. I won't. It's the truth, an how I feel about it. An that person didn't give a shit about my feelings when all of it was happening to me when i was little and defenseless. An you have to remind yourself, they don't care. They didn't care about your feelings back then, an they don't right now. That doesn't change. An they will use any means possible to try to suck you back in and control you. Cause that is what abusive people do. They try to control you an if they can't: They will try to destroy you. Your reputation, your character, financially, what ever means they can. Whatever you give them access to. They will try to isolate you as much as they can to do it. Your only defense is to speak up: An say enough. Get out of my life. I had to deal with my son, who got the phone call coming up here to my home an telling me “He couldn't wait until I was dead” If I don't remove that, Ill make sure no one in this family talks to you. It came right out of my mothers mouth six months earlier if I didn't “do what she said”. It is the same damn tacit that was used on me when I was eighteen, trying to guilt me into coming back home. If you don't do what I say, “I'll make sure you don't see your sisters.” I'll make sure none of us talk to you. And it did damage a relationship with a sister. She thinks I'm the devil incarnated. She's quite a bit younger she doesn't get it. Hands weren't laid on her, thanks to me. But trying to use my own children agaist me is exactly why my father left. It’s why I’m not around anymore then I have to be. I’m being threatened with: You wont see your grandchild. Not by my daughter, but that person. Trying to isolate someone is straight out of the an abuser handbook. I swear it. An your only recourse is to let them. It's the best thing for you, not to be around anyone who witnesses it an does nothing anyway. Because then they can only pull stunts out in the public: Where others are going to see it. Witness it. An they will usually go crawl back into the hole they came out of. An your life can go on in peace. An if this makes me an “asshole” so be it. Right up there with my father: Cause your not going to get away with it. I shouldn't have had to spend a year in counciling again cause of this bullshit. I'm not afraid to defend myself. Or take losses to be done with something or someone. I tried: An that's all anyone can do. An I will speak my truth. An I will talk about my life an if you don't like it: Don't give me any new material. If my children don't understand it: Good! I'm glad they don't. It means I never put them through that kinda of shit. I'm doing this so those who don't understand it do. They will. If others are kinda, where the hell is this coming from? Well, from years of being re-subjected to the same kind of shit behind the scenes. My mother calls me a shit stirrer. But truth is, I couldn't stir any shit, if there wasn't shit to stir. So knock it off. I'm killing about four birds with one stone. I have to write about my art, myself as an artist, leave something so my kids so they understand their mother, an what she went through and hopefully help other survivors of abuse get past it themselves. An if I have to, an only if I have to will I get into the nitty gritty details of it. I do apologize to those that prefer their privacy if this steps on any of their toes. The book I want to work on is about healing from it. Getting past being just a survivor.An for the ones who had the guts to confront it. I’d like to be like Joyce Myers about it: Fact I was abused. An not go into details. But maybe my kids need to hear some of them so they get. Just because I made it look easy to get over it: It wasn’t. It was horrific. An be thankful you ain’t ever had to deal with something like that. Sometimes, you have to re break an arm for it to heal properly. So it will grow straight. Healthy an beyond what happened to it. Sometimes you have to cut a cancer growth out of yourself. It might be painful in the process but you life gets to go on. I expected this to end when I was thirteen. It didn't. I had to wait until I was eighteen to get out. An I never expected to have to go through this again. An for the most part I haven't most of my life because I had other supportive family members, friends and people in my life. I'm not going to keep reliving out the orphan role because my mother was. I'm sorry. I'm just not. I have a right to get on with my life: my grandmother and fathers deaths shouldn't have been used as an excuse to try to suck me back into something I left a long time ago. I'm angry about that. I resent it. If other family members want to be around it: That's their choice. I don't. If they want to believe I'm the bad guy or think it. Or I'm crazy: So be it. Time tells all. But deep down, people know I've walked 20 miles out of my way to avoid a confrontation. That is what survivors do. An that's how they thrive. They leave it all behind, they start over as many times as they have to until that toxic shit is out of t heir lives once an for all. Your not running away from a problem. Your removing it from your life. You can't build on a cracked foundation. Your better off taking what lessons you learned and starting off completely over from scratch. Get what good out of it you can, turn it into a great piece of art. A book. Business, whatever your thing is. Or just being plain old being happy & content. It's a amazing all the goodness that will come into your life after you let go. Because I have to tell ya, most days I am pretty at peace, content an happy. As long as I don't allow that back into my life. So stand up, speak up an don't let anyone get the better of you. It was their problem to begin with. Don't let it be yours. Don't give your own power away. Your life isn't meaningless. Find a hobby. Go back to school. Work on your career. Go to support groups if you need to. They are out there. Tell your story. Repeat it as many times as you need to. Tell others if you have to. Get counciling if your dealing with depression from it. Stay away from those that try to manipulate you back into the same old situation. Or try to guilt you. Set boundaries. Stick to them. Find a family member you can trust. Or a friend. Get an advocate to run interference. Work on you. Don't worry or focus on them. Be selfish. It's okay. They where. An there is nothing wrong with you taking care of you. You can't be there for anyone else if you don't. Figure out the issues you’ve inherited and just what to do with them to improve your life instead of you just repeating the abuse cycle. Try not to identify with your attacker. You may spend a lot of time trying to understand why anyone would be like that in the first place. You might even feel sorry for them because they where victims themselves. It might heal it some to understand but stay clear of anyone trying to pull you into that cycle again. Do some art. Listen to some music. Make some music. Go for a run. Do some yoga. Exercise. Do something at least once a day that is good for your well being. Once a day, 365 times a year adds up. Create something out of it's ashes. Eventually you will over come any obstacle a bully might try to put in your path. It won't even matter to you what the bully is doing. It will only matter to the bully they can't suck you back in. Stir clear of the traps set by them. Do your own thing. Nothing burns their ass more anyway. You will make progress. You'll be all the stronger. Rinse and Repeat. You can an will get somewhere in life. Refuse to be pulled under. An if some people stop talking to you. It's okay. They probably weren't that important of a factor if your life anyway. They didn't know what was going on or has gone on. If they are important to you tell them. Listen I can't be around this person. Please respect that. I have my reasons an try to leave it at that. Because a lot of people aren't going to get they are being used to get to you anyway. Eventually people get: It's not you anyway. Ignore it as much as you possibly can. Focus back on your life. Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. Cleaning up your life.  I have mixed feelings about writing. I don't mind it when I'm talking about a topic that's not personal like creativity but when it comes to writing about me: the artist and my life: It's a want to but I don't kinda deal. On the one hand, I'd rather I told my own story then others after I pasted. I want my children to have an accurate account of what really happened from my point of view: how I felt about it. How I got past it, but just the act of writing about it comes across like I'm stuck in the past. Which I'm not. I really didn't go into detail with my children about it while they where growing up. I just stated the facts: I was abused. Turned them in an that's why we don't always get along. They would see my parents on holidays an that was about it. Mainly because that's about all I saw them, with the exception of working with my dad at the bar. Daddy, an yes I do still call him that as an adult tried in his own way tried to bring the family back together through that place. Him, me & my sisters. An it worked to a degree because we all had a job to focus on. We all where focused on saving what his ex wife tried to take from us. We had a common goal. I know I worked too hard as a kid just to loose it so I helped. It healed some wounds between us, but I wasn't willing to be subjected to any abuse. An for the most part he was careful not to. He needed me after all. It wasn't a job he could just do himself. An to at least me, it was a omission that he at least needed his kids. The pay was awful though, an I had my own family to support. I really didn't like subjecting myself to the pressure of arguing with him over details of the business. It was like pulling teeth some days, to get him to do things with it I knew had to be done. It was really annoying to have to deal with his ego. He had to believe something was his idea in order to do it sometimes. An I would get extremely frustrated emotionally. He just didn't seem capable of giving anyone else credit but himself. The truth boils down to he couldn't afford to pay me a management salaries others could. An I couldn't take the pressure of him. Managing was a lot easier in my eyes working for someone unrelated to me. So I quit twice on him. He didn't fire me. I came back the second time because my sister was in the office in tears. Saying she couldn't do it either without me. So, I picked the gauntlet back up and worked it, my in home daycare and painted commercial building all at the same time. I had to spread myself really thin to make it financially an do that job. An I left because I ended up loaning him money off my credit to get caught up. He thought the money came from my grandmother an refused to pay it. Or me any kind of reasonable salary. I paid 9% interest on that $5000 loan for almost seven years paying it back. While he'd argue: I wasn't worth the money. An it was the final blow between us before he passed. He said to me: I wasn't worth the money. An I just went off on him: Told him to “fuck off, grandma isn't here to apologize for you anymore.” I was the last kid, still hanging in there speaking to him. He had fired the other two over issues he should have address years before he did. They had both told him off way before I had. He was grieving, an maybe I shouldn't have let that be the last words to him but the man had a way of pushing your buttons. An it's why I left when I got pregnant with my son. I didn't need that kinda emotional bs when I was pregnant. Wouldn't subject myself to it. I'd still go over there an visit. Check in on things but I'd only help in a way that didn't reopen emotional wounds for me. I kept my emotional distance. I just learned I had to with my parents. Both of them have good sides to them, I just never usually get to see that side much of either of them. I am thankful to others for showing that to me. Cause I did need to see, they where not terrible with everyone. Just me. I'm just lucky that way I guess. They both save an take out there worst on me. They always have. I'm the family scapegoat. I just kinda got use to it. Ignored it mainly, because after I turned 18 my emotional support never came from either of them. You tend not to need your parents approval when the rest of the world validates you. All I ended up with is mixed feelings about both of them. I love them both deeply, but at the same breath they can be toxic for me. And I know it. As long as I didn't have money dealings with my father as an adult we could get along just fine. It didn't mean I forgot the man beat me as a child. It really just boiled down to me forgiving him for my own peace of mind. Not his. He knew he did something wrong. Stated that to me when it happened at thirteen. Apologized for it. Promised it wouldn't happen again form him: An he didn't. He kept his word. An that's why it's so much easier to forgive him, then it was my mother. She can't understand that. First of all, he did it a lot less. His way of disciplining you normally was to work ya to death. Or talk your ear off til you cried. She can't understand why us girls act like he's a saint now. Well, I don't. I'm perfectly aware of the mans flaws. I had to listen to them regularly from my grandmother. An those flaws he had where just him being human. We all are. He had money issues from his second divorce, was struggling to get back on top of where he was before her. That I can forgive easily. I've been through two divorces myself with same kinda ex that won't go away and leave you the hell alone. My first, we where just too young when we married. The second still to this day, won't mind his own business and stay away from mine. An let me tell ya it's annoying to be stalked through your own family. An my mom staked my dad, so we definitely had things in common at I grew older. But what she doesn't seem to understand, his bad bad behavior with me stopped. He didn't continue to do it to me. His apology was sincere. The sisters think he treated me different. He didn't. My mother did. They do because of her, but he didn't really. If he needed a honest opinion, I was the one he came to. They all do. I'm the one that choose to keep my distance. I do it because I don't like emotional manipulation an bullshit games. I look at all the things that have gone on since my grandmother and father have passed. An I can honestly say: It's not them. They aren't here to pull emotional shit on me. It gives me a lot of peace actually. Because it's clear the bullshit wasn't coming from their direction. They both left plenty of “signs” I was loved and accepted for who I was. It's made me rethink a few things that went on in our household those remaining years. Because he left shortly after I did. He didn't stick around for the bullshit once my sister & I where older either. His only regret an I know this to be fact: Was he couldn't take the youngest with him. Which is a totally different subject, I don't want to get into right now. This is about my father an my relationship with him. My father though for years it was my grandmother getting in the way of our relationship. Truth is, she spent a lot of time trying to mend it once I was out of the house. An I was pretty conflicted. When he divorced my mother: He tried to tell me but I stopped him. Told him, she's my mother. Please respect that. An he did. He never spoke a ill word about her to me after that. He lived with it. An to this day, she really doesn't get how he comes out smelling like roses in this. An I'll tell ya why: He didn't speak about her much. An when he did, he choose his words carefully. I've tried to do the same myself, with my kids about their fathers. I don't run on them, except the one that won't get the hell out of my families lives: An the most the kids normally get is: He's an asshole. My dad finally did sit me down one day because grandma made him an told me his version of what happened. An he kept it short and brief. He married her because she was pregnant with me. He wanted me not necessarily her. The just of what he said was, they...the family was afraid she'd take off with me an them not know where I was or how I was doing. An back then, it was the right thing to do. So he did, even though he really didn't want to. An he had my sisters because that's what ya did back in those days. He said he loved kids, an wanted us but he never loved her like a man should. That she was more like taking care of another child, then a way a man should feel about his wife. An he left it at that. He didn't go into every shitty thing that happened over those 20 years. Deep down, I knew he was lying about it. I've always know he didn't love her like a guy should but trying to make it work. An it's effected my relationships because I won't stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons. A birth didn't seem like a good enough reason to torture oneself an I really wish he had not put himself through that. Or her. Nothing seems sadder to me then to trick yourself into believing a man loves you who doesn't. An nothing seems more devastating to me then having a spouse who sabotages your life either to get what they want. My mom got her way in the short term, but not the long run. An no one can ever accuse me of making that mistake with men. I've never used a child to try to manipulate someone. In fact, I've walked twenty miles around it an have no regrets doing so. I'd much rather fly solo having children then delude myself. It's been harder raising them but I'm okay with that because like him. I wanted children but unlike her I wanted someone with me for the right reason: They love me, not just our off spring. My hang up, I totally admit it. But in my mind, you can love me an them together. Or just them separately if you don't. I see no reason to drag out anyone's pain in the name of love. Anyway since Daddy's death, I've had to reevaluate some things because of the way orders where giving around my house as a child. Most of the time, they where giving by my mother in my dad's name. Not his voice. He was always mad out to be the bad guy. He's the one telling me to tell you to do something. An this all happened around the time he was about ready to leave. He had an affair. Around the time I turned them into DCFS. He continued the affair for ten years. He didn't leave. An a part of me feels it was my fault he didn't. He should have. It's not wrong to want to have your own dreams & life. What I'm realizing, specially now that he's gone an I've been the target of a lot of bs. Is it really wasn't him. He may have been difficult. He may have beat me a few times he shouldn't have but most of it is on her. Just like my grandmother had said for years. Because like I said, neither are here to attack my character. An I really have been put through the mill since they died. An it only comes from one direction. Same old direction. So it's vindicating my dad. That's all it's doing. Over an over again. See? Not here to do it to ya. Not saying it. Not making false accusations. Not trying to control you or manipulate you. Not telling others, your something your not. So I have a real problem on my hands because my mother is aging. An I don't want to hate her, but I really don't want much to do with her either. I'd like to enjoy her before she passes away. Cause we all do pass at some point, but I don't find her very enjoyable. I don't want her to die an me have any regrets but a lot of nasty tricks have been played on me since they have passed. She's managed to wiggle her way into my life again an there has been nothing but problems for me since she has. She's not a entirely bad person. She has her good side, we all do. An I've forgiven her on more the one occasion for the things she did to me as a child but what I can't deal with is her doing it to me in my adult life an trying to come between me & my children. An using them as pawns, trying to get even. She used my sisters like this against me when I moved out of the house. Blamed it all on my dad. Saying he was the one that wouldn't let me see them. It was always her blaming him. Well he's not here to blame. And as she's gotten more involved with my kids: The more problems I've had. Same exact kinda of problems I have with my youngest sister. An I really had to step back an watch to see if it was both my sisters or just the one. An it is always the one, that was left with my mother. Always. Same tactics. Same gas lighting. Same old bullshit. I don't even think she's aware she's doing it. My father didn't treat me “different” They did. He might have been hard on me, but he didn't steal from me. Lie to me or run me down to other professional contacts or the pubic in general. He didn't scream at me to sigh the check bitch! After surgery or call the police on me giving false reports. Repeatedly. He didn't have his friends threaten to beat me up. He didn't get me arrested for something he did. He didn't withhold money from me I earned. Play games with my financial stability. Or take away things that where mine. Nor did he trick me into signing papers when I was drugged. Or make false reports to DCFS. He didn't attack me on all fronts . Nor did he try to run me out of town professionally. He is not here to gang up on me: An it didn't happen when he was alive. An it's really easy to see, with the sisters in separate bars now. It all comes from one direction. The same old one. My mothers side. An as much as I love my sister, it's a hard pill to swallow. Same hard one my dad had to eat but they've gotten all they are going to get from me: And I don't want your kind of help. It's toxic. An this is the kind of problem an adult survivor of abuse has. You love your family or you wouldn't have bothered to turn them into begin with. You do it, so it will stop. An maybe just maybe you can get back to being the family you're suppose to be. That happened on one side of the family, not the other. An I just have to face that. My youngest daughter said to me, at the beginning of this contact with my mother, why do you hate her? She's a sweet little old lady. I told her I don't hate her. An I don't. I don't trust her. An never will. See, when someone really is abusive to you: You never do win there trust back if it continues. You try to love them despite it. My dad's abuse stopped when I was thirteen. I wished I had come to this conclusion earlier but his death is really what sunk it in. I feel the need to vindicate him. He's not here still instigating problems. Or being some obstacle in my life to over come. What I think about now is how he use to take care of me when I was little. How he'd put up with Captain Kangaroo drinking his coffee for my sake. Get me dressed in the morning: Take me every where he went. How he taught me about plants, or colors or encourage me to draw something different. How he'd play with us as children. Or how he taught me to read. Later on, how to paint a wall or strip old wood work. My good memories of him far out weigh the bad. He spent a lot of time with me as a child. An I guess it's something my mom doesn't get either. He might not took us out to fancy places all the time: but he spent a lot of time with us at home when we where young. I've tried to do the same. Even if my kids do think I was a space cadet half the time. I was there. Not perfect but there. I remember who was an who wasn't. An who the drama always was around. It never really was him. He was quiet. Anyway: I miss him an sorry it all got laid on him. He's not the villain he was made him out to be. An neither am I.  Creativity. What's it mean to you? Me? Just about everything. I personally think I'm a rather boring person because of it: Yet not. It all kinda starts in the head. An I spent a whole year thinking about it and Art. An what really truly makes one a great artist. Spending almost a decade in portrait photography, I had reached burn out, an I've took a little time off from it. I was working for Mom365, photographing newborns: Crisp clean photography. Which, don't get me wrong, I love an think everyone should have those of their newborns but having a studio background there was a wish I could take them all home with me an do more creative posing. It was encouraged in a couple of studios I've worked for, as long as it didn't take long. An other companies, it wasn't. So my dissatisfaction grew working for Lifetouch or other companies. While I got to travel, I didn't have much time to explore: to take other outstanding photography I'd like. Which makes me think, I should probably get into wedding photography: but there are some hassles with it I'm not sure I want to take on. So I'm setting up my own studio. I miss having a creative setting to work out of. Opening my own studio, I can take longer with clients. I can do things, companies won't: like taking the time for digital art. With major companies its about the money more then it is the art form. They find something simple that works, an drain the hell out of it. These simple portraits are important, don't get me wrong. Everyone needs them but they don't WOW! Like I was taught to do. I'm a junkie when it comes to that, always have been since I was a little kid drawing things other kids couldn't. I get off on people's reactions to my creativity. The result of someone's eyes opening wide, a big smile crossing their face an seeing the joy in them usually is my pay off. More so then money. It's priceless to me. Being able to bring someone to tears over a piece of my work, deeply satisfying. So, moving someone with my art is my goal. It's my motivation. I got really good with it in a studio setting. Well in other settings as well, but that WoWzer effect I look to create just wasn't possible in these pop up photography settings. At least not to me, an I was burning out because of it. When you are taking pictures of newborns an can't get the new mother to eww an aww over what your doing, you know somethings missing. An to me, it was the creativity of a studio setting. You can just do a lot more in a studio then you can at the bottom of a hospital bed. An that's what people want & get inspired by. So, I've been investing in my studio so I can take those creative portraits. I need it like water: creativity. Creativity takes more of a investment then just simple snap shots anyone can do. It takes time & money. Not something I saw most companies I worked for willing to invest much in. An that's why so many studios are closing nationwide as well. They just don't seem willing to go the extra length it takes to keep that spark in a persons eyes open wide. I am, so that's where I am going with my photography. I just have to do something more creative. Not just simple head shots, no matter how good I am at those. My being needs to hear the “Oh, WoW!” when I do something. It's the appreciation of my work that drives me. I can get pretty creative provoking that response as well. So, what is creativity? What makes one creative? Like I said, I sat an thought a lot about this after I left Lifetouch. Creativity to me in photography is making something or someone stand out. It's a how, a technique just as much as it is using head. It's using your hands as well as your mind. I don't just do photography: Although that's how I've made my living. I've done traditional art since I was young: drawing, painting etc. When I got older: programming an digital art. I spent a year just creating a piece of fractal art a day. Just to WoW! Internet crowds an entertain others: That's what a junkie I am for the response to creativity. Doing family photography feed that need as well. I've had this need to be creative and have people's responses to it since I was young. An the former usually drives me to get more creative as I go. I'm a attention whore for it. I don't want a lot of attention personally, just for my skills an my creativity. It drives me to get better at what ever art form I'm working in. So the studio, is going to have simple photography to complex digital art involved. I crave it: Creativity. Need it. It's a part of my being: but what is creativity? I'd say the ability to inspire or elicit a emotional response in ones self and in others. Technique or gear is just the tools you are using to do so. The official definition of it is: The use of the imagination or original ideas, especially in the production of an artistic work. In the time I took off after leaving Lifetouch, my thoughts where on what made one great. Was it their creativity alone? Or was it something more. Drawing a picture of a mouse, isn't exactly “great” Yet, Disney made it great. It was the first of it's kind. He came up with something new. Mixing pictures with film. Then mastered techniques doing this as time went on. But that's not exactly what made Disney films great. It's what got him notices by others at first, but what made Disney great was the ability to elicit a response. Same with all the “Grates”. So creativity is a little more then just mastering techniques. Or coming up with a original idea: Which by the way is hard to do in this day and age. It's all been “done” before. Yet, that's what artist strive for a lot of time: an original idea. To be the first at something. Again, it's what got Pixar noticed. They where some of the first to take what Disney was doing an transfer it to computers. It's not what made them “Great” though. Their ability to take a new technique, master it and elicit a emotional response was. DaVinci was King of original thoughts an ability to use art form to put them down on paper but what's his most famous painting? The Mona Lisa, because it still to this day get's a response from it's viewers. Even the one's who are not into art it manages to stimulate a reaction to. His Last Supper, no where near a original idea, done by many artist in his day as well. Why is it better then the others done? Not just because he had mastered an artistic form, but because it is capturing anothers imagination. The greats grabs a persons eye, then holds it's attention. It's mind long enough to get a response. So I beg to differ just mastering technique is creativity. No matter how original or good art your skills are, it won't be great art if it can't do this. In my spare time, I've been doing a popular form of art lately: paint pouring. It does but doesn't take a lot of skill. From my point of view, having a lot of art techniques under my belt. It's easy. To another it's difficult. What I notice is it doesn't get much of response except from other artist playing in it themselves. It gets responses, but probably not enough to make it “Great” even though the paint interacting with its self is a very spontaneously creative. I enjoy, watching it form. I'm an artist after all. It inspires me but after it dries, I'm like “ehhh, it's okay” but when I saw it on a piece of clothing: I was like: “WoW!”. It didn't wow me or really anyone else on the canvas. It's “okay”. In the right decorating situation, it will stand out in a room but it would need that to make it “Great”.What's interesting about the whole art technique are the videos of it being done, not the pieces themselves. Which is what is making it popular. People are getting just as WoW'd as the artist watching it form. That is what is making it stand out, what is making it “great”. The response. An it's not the painting themselves, but the watching of the process. It's also what sells photography as well. People enjoy parting in the process of creating portraits of themselves. It caputers there attention while you have them in the studio. It's why some artist on the internet are more popular then others. Some are better at grabbing the attention of viewers, then others even though one maybe more skilled at the technique: It doesn't mean they are the most creative. So, after a year of thinking on the subject of what is creativity: What I've come up with is, it's more then just coming up with something new or being good at it. To be creative also means to capture the viewers attention span. It's why one artist can sell, while another no matter how good they are or their art can't. It's not a matter of just being the most artistic at something. Its not just a matter of being imaginative in oneself. All the greats where, are an so are plenty of artist, no matter what form of art they choose to do. Even a hobbyist has imagination. We all do. But what sets the “greats” apart from other artist an other people is one thing: the ability to engage another imaginative realm. To get them involved mentally. Grab their attention an do something with it that creates a emotional response in another: Whether it's laughter or tears, or just plain out Awe. It's part of the creativity process. It's the last step in it. It's not just one's own ideas, but the ideas you spark in anothers mind that makes one highly creative. That's what makes one film better then another. Why Alice In Wonderland is still one of the most popular children's books, or what makes a mediocre cartoonist sell more work then a highly trained one. Part of the creative process is engaging another imagination. An those that do it well, are the most creative. They've mastered the creative process.
So many artist are depressed because that last part is hard to do. Especially in this day an age where people are overloaded with looking at pictures, artwork and quotes. The former two are just as much a part of the creative process as the first two, or at least I have found as a common ingredient that went into making something a great work of art. Just something to think about: Creatively. Yours, Dana Haynes  I like Astrology. It helps me take something someone does or say a lot less personally. Not everyone believes in it, usually people who don't follow it with any depth. An it's interesting to me that there is another Dana Haynes that is a full time astrologer. For me it's just a personal hobby of mine that helps me get out of myself, an personal feelings. It helps me see my life on a much broader scale, so when hurt by another deeply it gets me past it. Its easier to understand, they just can't help being the energy they are. Then they try to understand they did something intentionally to harm me. It helps me hope that they will learn to use the energy within themselves better in the future or might mature into a better version of it at some point in life. The reason I believe in it is because my chart is so dead on. It explains things to me about myself, sometimes after years of trying to understand “Why me?” That always seem to happen to me an no one else around me. It gets me away from the poor me's and reminds me of what I experienced God to be: A energy light force. See, I had a near death experience. It happened to me when I had my first child during her birth. I asked for Jesus, an I “saw” God. Or what I call God. A cosmic power greater then myself. That calmed me and comforted me during one of the most painful experiences of my life. My child was stuck in my birth canal. At the last second, they cut me from my yin to my yang, removing her as I floated off into darkness, an saw the tunnel of light so many NDE will tell you about. I experienced an over whelming sense of peace: An had a “conversation” with God. Which I saw as a ball of light. Energy. So when it says in Genesis: God made the two larger lights, the sun to rule over the day and the moon to rule over the night; he also made the stars. It's all I really need to read of the bible to “get it”. God is a “power” source of energy. An that's the best way I know to explain what I experienced. It's in the stars, the moon an sun. The universe. A energy source that influences us: Our lives. An I see it as pretty much up to us how we handle those gifts we have been given. Our charts are just like maps through the cosmos: With unique energy stamps by God or whatever you view as God. An it's up to us to learn how to deal with the lot that's been given us. We can bring out the best or worse of ourselves. An whether it's good or bad is kinda just up to us an how we choose to “see it”. To me taking a “higher” perspective on it, takes me out of myself to rise above the emotional pain others sometimes inflict on me and my life. I have a aspect in my chart: Moon sextile Neptune that seem to come around a lot. Or at least make it's mark on my life. Some call it a daydreamer aspect. It walks hand in hand with being artistic and empathic. I attribute the NDE to understanding it better is all. With my recent health scare: It's influence on me is what has me wanting to right a book as well. So my children, more then anyone understand me: Because they don't. An to me, it's important that they do because I don't particularly like being told I'm crazy when I'm physically ill. I recently went through a breast cancer scare that shut my whole life down. They and others around us: me & my kids: did not handle it well at all. People I have never had much in my life to do with since I left home in the first place. It put me in father harms way. An the situation got worse instead of better. I do not trust these folks with my life. I never have. They are abusive and I know it. So, there is a deep need in me to explain this to my kids, so it doesn't happen again. I'm aging an my care will be in there hands: So they should understand why I'm doing something, they don't get. It doesn't make me crazy. It makes me able to survive harsh conditions. I see it as the mind being a powerful thing. Will to overcome. Anyway, the just of it is: I was working at Lifetouch doing traveling photography. Doing so requires packing and unpacking the studio equipment. I've never had a issue lifting that kinda light weight equipment but noticed it was becoming a strain on me. One I never had before, an I was more tied then normal. I chalked it up to I had pulled something coupled with just stressed an not sleeping well. I had a numb pain that didn't go away. After a few months of this: my breast was swelling up some. Again I just thought I had pulled something. Then, there was some abnormal discharge. I so didn't want to think the worst: I talked myself into believing it was just going though menopause. It'll pass I'd think. But the tiredness didn't. I was just struggling in a way I never had before. My energy level has always been high. I could do sixteen hour days normally dancing on my heels. Not worrying about it. Just get some sleep and I'd be good as new. But that wasn't working. It lead to me not being able to perform as well at work. My sales where lower then they normally where, which caused financial problems. I was barely able to keep my phone on, then my truck broke down an I didn't have the money to cover it to keep working. I left the job. I didn't have much of choice. I was physically, emotionally and financially exhausted. I was just too tired to care. It was depressing as well but I figured I'd get some rest an then get it all straightened out with Lifetouch or find a different photography job. What ended up happening because I was sick and I got myself stuck. I had been living paycheck to paycheck. Normally, I'd have something in the bank for an emergency. This time I didn't. My utilities got shut off. My food supply dwindled. All I needed was a ride to get food stamps, a way to shower a job close by to pay the bills because my transportation wasn't running. That way I could get it fixed, get back a hold of Lifetouch an go back to my normal job. That didn't happen. What happened is I ended up eating a bag of Masa trying to stay alive while all these “helpful” people I didn't trust sat around an called me crazy instead of taking me to get food stamps an a medical card so I would be okay. Instead they'd drop in, take me out to lunch once a month an tell my kids I was nuts and need to be in a mental institution. My kids are grown. They don't live with me any longer, an alarm bells went off for them. They didn't have the money to even really get up to my house, let alone feed me. My son finally did bring me some food, a phone to apply for benefits so I could get out of this mess I was in. By that time, I was hallucinating from starvation. These “helpful” people put me through this shit for about six months. An since I was hallucinating my kids listened to them an put me in a metal ward. Which I resent the fuck out of. Some of these same people had taken a good chunk of my inheritance so I was pissed. I would not have been in that situation if I had not let them take it. So not only was I dealing with a breast cancer scare an starving I was now in a MAJOR depression about how it was being handled by people I don't trust and never will. I ended up stuck in that shit hole for 45 days until my benefits kicked in. I’m not paranoid. They have done things to me they shouldn’t have. An the people who did me wrong, who took a lot of my financial security away from me got to pat themselves on the back about what good people they where. They kept threatening to “report me” or have me recommitted the whole time I was trying to get to the bottom of what was really physically wrong with me an get back on my feet. They felt justified in taking my daughter away a year earlier for no reason what so ever. A situation I only agreed to let her live in so she didn't have to switch high schools because I was traveling an had moved out of that school district. So she could live in the lifestyle I would have been able to afford had they not fucked me over to begin with. I'm a pretty generous person. An didn't have a problem with letting them have what was just as much mine as theirs until that. In fact I wished them well. But the resentment goes deep because this is how they did my grandmother when she was sick with cancer, an my dad who died of a heart attack. Their help is really no help at all. It's people looking to take advantage of another instead of really helping them. I knew this about them before this even happened. An boy if I thought I resented them for how they treated people I care about back then, I sure as hell do now. I was so frustrated an pissed: I couldn't see straight. An when I get that angry I cry. I cried for 45 days straight. It majorly depressed me to know just how low they'd go. So then I was going through menopause, a breast cancer scare, recovering from starvation an a full on major depression on top of grieving all over again. Hate is a under statement of what I feel for people like this. An it really did point out every major flaw to me in the health care system cause I'm not a homeless person. In fact, I own my own home. Paid off in full. But I certainly know how a homeless person would feel now. I've had three breast monograms since. They gave me a medicine first. In case it was just a infection. It healed some what, an they keep watching it because there is something there. They can't tell me for sure whether it is or not cancer. Back on my feet a little since then, I also take CBD oil for it. Once in a while, I still feel that numb pain there. Best they can tell me is I'm borderline an could be on the verge of it. I'm not as tired as I was. But have had other physical issues since because I was in starvation mode so long. I had three sever asthma attacks an went into the doc to do something about that. They unlike the mental ward, checked for real physical reasons for what's been going on with me. I've had excessive weight gain. Like 20 pounds a month an I found out my Thyroid has gone ape shit as well. Physically it's hard for me to do the photography job like I once did. But it's getting better day by day. I'm struggling in ways I never have before: but not mentally. I had a physios from not eating. My body maybe trying to still heal that by putting on the weight: But I'm not nor have I ever been crazy. Only a very abusive person would go there or try to drive you there instead of getting you the help you really needed. The very same people threaten to be around me an refuse to “help me” if I'm not on my “mental” shot. A shot I took for a year to appease the assholes so I could see my daughter. That has been causing some of the physical problems I'm having. I say, good fucking residence since I never needed that kinda help to begin with. The problem is: People will accuse you of what they are. Which leads me back to the point I was talking about. This Moon Neptune influence I have in my chart. It's very daydreamer influence of energy in your life. It also can put you out on another wave length. You can get completely lost in your imagination. It's very empathic. It can gives a profound sense of merging within relationships. If your parent is emotionally stunted, dysfunctional or possibly mental ill or your living with someone with a sever mood disorder like I did growing up it can lead you into relationships where you end up taking care of them instead of yourself. Which I did a lot of as child, even have as in adult hood others where more then a little off upstairs. I was mentally alright, but a lot of people around me in my life have not been. It's in my chart. It's not something I planned for or asked for. Two of my major long term relationship where with people who struggled with mental issues. It doesn't mean I have one. It means I know how to deal with those that do, who aren't abusive about it. Once they cross over into abusive territory saying it's me when it's really them: I'm usually done. Because there is nothing I can do about it. They will always have memory loss from their childhood. Or always struggle with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. An as long as they don't take it out on me I'm fine with being there for that person. But I really had to come to an understanding that their mental conditions where not mine to remain close to them. An in some cases you just can't. No matter how much you love them you can't if they are abusive people. My ex attacked me physically once because of his own issues. One's held a gun up at me. Another always putting her issues off on me so she doesn't have to deal with what's truly “wrong” with her mentally. Being Gaslite ect. You just have to keep your distance emotionally to protect yourself. It's not your issue, it's theirs so I understand my kids not knowing what to do when I was hallucinating from lack of food. An I don't want them to take psychedelics to try to understand it better either. But a part of me is glad I had in my early twenties before I had them. So I could understand it when it happened to me. Hallucinating. That's not a normal state for me. I'm usually very clear headed even when daydreaming. Which I was A LOT during those months. An that's what I want my kids to understand about me. In case it ever happens again or I end up with dementia in old age. I don't want the poor things to think I've lost my marbles when I'm just sitting around thinking about games I played when I was a child. Or a movie, or working on a piece of art in my head. Because during that time while I was sitting around starving to death I was thinking a lot about those things. I thought a lot about my childhood make believe games. True memories I have. It didn't make me crazy, just meant I was focused on something an they didn't understand why under the conditions. I was taking my mind off problems I couldn't do anything about without a ride to get food stamps an a medical card. Once I had food, water and medical attention I got back to the “real world” an stopped thinking about things I watched as a child or games me and my sister would play. It was a mental distraction, more then even a hallucination. I had to think of something else an try to be mentally productive with my time. I didn't have TV or even a radio. No books in the house I hadn't already read. I was bored an the only thing I could do was sit an think about artwork. I sat an thought about photography, Disney an what made a movie so great. Story line. An the imaginary stories I would tell myself as a kid playing make believe. It got me through the day, an in my head I was working on the next mural I'd paint, photo I'd would take or story. An what made something “great” vs just average artwork. It was time well spent in my eyes still to this day. It's not really my fault everyone misunderstood a lot of what I was trying to communicate during that time. They didn't understand where my head was cause I really didn't appear to be bothered by lack of food or utilities. The kids have seen me off in my own world thinking about things before. Even heard me talk about what was on my mind: What they hadn't seen before is it all come out in a jumbled up mess. An me unable to express myself about why I was thinking about something, someone or thing. It was a by product of not eating. I didn't see things that weren't real. Or think I was someone else, despite what was told the mental hospital. I sitting around thinking about what made something so great artwork. So when I came out of this what I considered down time in my life. I could do it. Cause artist study the greats. They always do. The greats study, they observe either to improve on something or come up with something totally original on their own. An what kept coming across to me thinking about all that was: as a kid, my sister played out Beatles Juice almost with the same story line right in front of me. Things we played as children in make believe land, are in some pretty popular movies, films and cartoons. For example there is a day, I was playing in the pool by myself that pieces of could have came right out of Ariel, a Disney film created years after I had played these make believe games by myself in the pool. I thought about how I'd play cowboys an Indians laying awake in my bed at night with stuffed animals with my sister asleep right next to me. She'd be surprised how much I thought of her during that time because we played together so much. An those stories, make believe playing is what I was thinking about because they had good plots. I mean I use to imagine Bugs Bunny was my uncle, an play out by the barn after he left to move up north. I’d pretend that he was still there. As Bugs Bunny. I knew he wasn't back then, just as much as I do now. But I'd still pretend, he was standing near me when I watered the cows saying, “What's Up Doc”. It didn't make me delusional then anymore then it does now. I was just playing like a normal kid. An the plots I had in the story where great material to think about. If they'd make a good cartoon now. Childrens book. Or how could I take that an turn it into a storyline today with a cartoon, or film or something. An to this day, ;my Uncle still reminds me of Bugs Bunny. Not cause he is, but because I had a lot of fun playing he was. Imagination. I have some. It was the make believe story lines we had as children an them being so close to great story lines since then that really had my interest. I literally started sorting though memories of “play time” to see if I could find a storyline, that would work in a painting, book, cartoon or movie. When my kid would come an see me, he didn't understand why I was talking about Bugs Bunny, or James Dean. Who in my mind, reminds me of my grandfather. Who was just as good looking and passed away just as young. You'd have to know, I think about shit like this to even understand what I was talking about at the time cause I was so out of it from not eating. Of course my kids never meet my grandfather he passed when I was four. So, nope they probably aren't going to get the mental association I have with those two. An one of those “helpful” people just went around telling everyone: She's crazy. She thinks grandpa was James Dean. No I do not. I associate the tragedy the same thou. The tragedy of dying too young is how they are similar. The problem I had is I couldn't communicate that because none of them wouldn't take the time to listen to me either. Their incapacity to understand me or my train of thought didn't make me crazy. It made me mad. Who want's a care taker that misinterpret everything you say or mean that really doesn't take care of you but keeps professing they are. You want to help me? Get me some food an shut up for a bit. Hell you might even learn something. Then you might understand something I'm saying instead of assuming you know everything. Maybe my real needs might get meet. So, I spent a lot of time thinking about what made ET great. Or Drew Barrymore. Didn't mean I thought I was her. I was thinking about how she became an actor in that story to being with because she was a child. I was thinking about how children have “magical thinking” when they play. Perfectly healthy thing for them to do, an how its used in some of the centuries best films. I was thinking about being a photographer, how she ended up a cover girl. How'd she go from just a kid to that? To opening her own production company. I was thinking BIG. Studio BIG. How do I go from unemployed photographer to successful production in this day age. Storyline. That's where my mind was at. Not that a damn person around me understood a flyin fuck what I was thinking about waiting for someone to get me some real help. Nor cared. My son finally did help me get a food card an the problem resolved itself. But I have to just tell myself, well Disney went through some of the same shit. Broke, sleeping outside an staring at a mouse in his darkest days. An nobody that didn't do cartoons where going to understand him either. A lot of these “helpful” people who kept trying to chuck me in a mental hospital instead of get my breast looked at aren't artist. Photographers. Digital artist or even a little bit computer suave. I don't expect them to understand I guess why I'm talking about lighting. Or posing. Shit I finally just gave up in the ward: An went in my room and drew an looked at magazines until I could communicate properly again. I pretty much stayed in my room an refused to come out until I got enough food in me. Then showed the doctor my breast. OH! That might be a problem! Ya fucking think? Anyway they released me. I saw a doctor for it, an been trying to recover from it since. But that moon Neptune sextile is what people saw. Me in thought, thinking about shit they didn't understand. Let alone begin to understand why I'd be thinking about it in the first place. Who knows why we fantasize as adults: Neptune. I might have been in a fog from lack of nutrition but I'm not nuts. My minds only thing that kept me sane while I had a lot of people running around me being insane. An the only reason I'm writing this is so my children understand if God forbid I ever do loose it up stairs, at least they will have a clue what I'm talking about. Or daydreaming about it. The land of “make believe” . That’s where good stories come from. Good artwork. Because I'm usually working on something in my head: the next piece of art. An just because I'm thinking about doing something surreal doesn't me I think it's real. Just because I might be thinking about a girl with an umbrella floating in the clouds doesn't mean I think she really can. It means I might be thinking about Mary Poppins or how to convey a feeling or idea. I think pretty abstractly too. In concepts. In storyline. In pictures. An plot.......an how can I turn this into something great. So hopefully by the end of reading this, they or you an others understand. Just because you don't understand something doesn't make that person crazy. It just might mean you aren't thinking on the level they are not capable of. An I have known that all my life. It doesn't make me or you crazy. It just might mean your stupid. At least in my eyes, if you don't bother to at least try to understand where another person is coming from. An just because I didn't have the means to defend myself financially doesn't make it so either. People get sick. An my family is terrible at dealing with real physical sickness. For some odd reason it seems easier for them to believe its just in there heads then actually confront someone maybe really sick and could possibly die. They can live in denial someone is very ill a long time. An ignore it til the persons dead. An I obviously kinda like living, so it's important to me my kids get that. The first things you check is for a physical problem. To me, that seems obvious. But I apparently have to write a three page note on the topic because some don't. An others will take a bad situation an make it worse ever single time to make themselves feel better about themselves. I really don't know what I'm gonna do into old age. Up until the last few years, I never had to worry about my health. It's been pretty good other then gallstones from stress and dealing with people like this my whole life. Each time I've had to go to the hospital for routine things: like childbirth and minor surgeries I've had to put someone outside of my family in charge of my healthcare. Basically because they don't make good decisions regarding me. I've known that since my first NDE. An even more so when they where taking things away from me while I had a simple gallstone surgery. Not all are to blame. They just don't make sound choices when it comes to me or my health. They all suddenly think they are doctors when they are not. An I can't think of one thing more frustrating to me when I'm sick then dealing with their “help” then that. I really don't like being bothered when I'm ill. I generally want to be left alone to heal. An at some point in my life, I am going to need someone in my life that can care for me the way I need. Not just me take care of others. It's just something we all go through aging. Knowing I don't have anyone like that, or my kids aren't going to be very good at it. Is scarey. A lot more scarey to me then actually passing over. So I'm praying my death won't be any long term disease. That when I do die, its quick and peaceful. Not some long drawn out thing that subjects me to a bunch of annoying stuff. Like picking me over before I'm even dead. Which I don't think my kids would do, but know others would them. I have friends that wouldn't let it happen if they knew I was being done that way. But when your ill, your not particularly social. So I don't know what I'm gonna do, except take out a restraining order when the time comes just to keep some people away from me. So if I am that ill, I can at least die in peace. It's not a current problem. I seem to be in recovery. But I'm like my grandmother, an I'd rather my life be in order when my time comes. It does for all of us. An hopefully, I still have enough time an good health to get some of the stuff inside my head out into a piece of work. So, my children benefit. There's still a lot of good stuff rolling around in there. Thanks to that moon, Neptune aspect in my chart. This is just some of the ways it can manifest in your life. I like to think I have just gotten to a point in my life I could create something great with it. Now that the children are grown I have time to do them. I have a painting in mind I can visualize. A few I can't but will work on. Photography I still have yet to do and a lot of digital stuff I want to attempt. A few toons in the thought process an a story or two I'm might get around to telling. Maybe one about my life, another about learning photography. Another about being an artist to begin with. Maybe something fictional. If nothing else a few children's books I can illustrate for my grandson. So much I want to do, that I don't know if I'd get it all done by the time I was 80. So dying isn't an option for me yet. I wasn’t suicidal then, but they told people I was. The only choice I have is to get better so I can get it all done. An hopefully teach my children how to deal with me if I'm ill. Cuz I'm not dead yet. Don't take it personally but I've got shit to do. That doesn't include dealing with bullshit. The only bullshit I enjoy is figuring out how to create something this way or that. And Neptune is all about the imaginative and creation. How to take something from out of your mind into the real world. It can be a very creative aspect in your chart, or artist bent. So I really can't help the energy it causes in my life. I don't take it to personally, like others would. It's either gonna manifest itself as a nuttier around me or in some artwork I do. I prefer the later. I'm not crazy, just surrounded by an energy that can manifest itself that way. An this is why I like astrology. It makes it so much easier to understand an see the good side of. It’s a very artistic dreamy influence. You can get lost in the thought process. Daydreaming if your not artistic or have an outlet for it. If I didn't get that energy around me: It would surely manifest as something totally frustrating to deal with and balance out in your life. I'd just be stuck in a constant state of daydreaming an never getting anything useful out of it. I'd take other peoples insanity personally. I wouldn't understand others motives, emotional issues or mental hang ups. Without astrology explaining the influence of Neptune energy in my life: I probably would go mad. Or be pissed off all the time. But it put it in proper context. It's not personal. Just a energy in my life. So when others start behaving irrationally around me. At least something productive comes out of it. It might be just a daydream to some: but it helps me visualize something before creating something good. What more could an artist ask for? It's divine inspiration. It's like living with a story board going on in your head at all times. Trick is getting it out of your head into some sort of art form. Not just caught in a daze. An if that's crazy, then so was DaVinci, Michael Angelo, Disney an a bunch of other people at Pixar are. I am perfectly fine with that. So you know what I want: If I ever do just get completely out of it: My kid to come up an draw or paint what I'm talking about. Listen. Or hand me some art supplies or something. A pencil, piece of paper. Anything, to create with. Cause chances are no matter how sick I get I'll still be able to do that. While they figure out what's really wrong with me. It’s not gonna be a head problem, but physical cause.An if they can't find it at least I'll still be happy, while I heal. Neptunes a really peaceful healing energy too. It's the perfect state to put yourself in to get better. Great for concentration. It helps one focus on something. Even if ya don't get why they are. To me it's just all about the creative process. To others, apparently looks insane or obsessive who have never done any kind of art. Who don't think like that an artist. Artist usually walk through the creative process in their heads before they put it all togather in some format or piece of work. It’s not a bad skill to have. So please keep me away from people who don't know anything about art: They are annoying & depressing. And having a hour once a week in their therapy groups don't make then any less agitating. I don't want to be drugged or strung out on some pills just cause they don't get it. Or me. That is their problem. Not mine. An don’t make it mine. Not all artist have some brain disorder. It pisses me off to no end, that romantic notion some have that we are all just tortured souls with some chemical imbalance. We are not. We just have a drive most don't. An it's the world not understanding that drive that depresses most of us. Or their lack of appreciation it. I don't want to die broke cause most are to cheap to pay an artist fair wages for their work. Or that it takes ten years sometimes to create something worthy. And it has at times took me ten years to get one painting done before. Other times, few hours or days. Do you have a clue how frustrating that is? Probably not, unless your in the art field. Most don't get the time investment involved in a piece of quality art. They just like the end results. They don't want to understand the details of what all it takes to make something great. Ill tell ya what being a good artist it like: It's like fighting with a clock your whole damn life. Trying to get something out of you, you know you've got in you to be done. It takes time to learn all those skills. An you will practice on the most mundane things over an over again just to learn how to do the details of something. An even then you might not have it right down to your perfections. It's difficult to be one: an artist. Not because of art, but because the way the world treats most artist. I didn't take kindly to being put in a metal institution because of it either. It was inappropriate, uncalled for an a misguided. An this a nice way of saying “F” you about the whole thing. There are millions of artistic people who are not insane. We all have Neptune somewhere in our chart. It doesn't make the whole world crazy. But Astrology will help you take it a lot less personally when others are calling you that. I'm pretty much writing this because my Neptune-Moon aspect does take it personally. It’s very empathic. I have to remind myself it's not. Even if others where trying to intrude on boundaries set in the name of “helping me”. Cause it likes to blend boundries. An somethings you just don’t want to “blend with”. It's just a energy. Use it for art, it’s the best way to. PS: I didn’t have time to edit this for typos  So what's next? Organizing my artistic space I think. I don't have the room to operate the photography studio the way my home is set up. So, that's on the agenda. I've done hospital newborn photography the last year, an sorta become burnt out on it because I haven't been able to do the newborn portraits I've longed to do. With a newborn grandson on the way, that's going to change. So I'm thinking of rearranging space in my home an converting the front area into a full blown private photography studio. But kinda unsure, what I'm going to do with my stuff in the mean time. Which has my grandmother on my mind. My father too. See in order to do this, I'm probably going to have to get rid of something or put it in storage. An there is always a chance it can be ruined in storage. So it has me kinda going: Are you sure you want to do this? An making me think about them a lot. It's a late century antique dining room set. It was first my grandmothers, an later my dads. A lot of holiday dinners where eaten off this table. At hers for a very long time, then my dad's an some of the best holidays I had with my children at my old house: I raised them in. I won't sell it. Too many memories, plus it's gorgious. But I'm kinda at a loss as to what to do with it. Because I need that room for something else. I'd like to say this is a one time issue. But I've caught myself over the years constantly rearranging my living space so I can do art. An it seems like when I finally get it rearranged in a way I can actually do some work: All hell breaks loose an I end up moving things around again. So if you know this about yourself, your not quick to chuck the family heirloom. I want it some place I know it'll be safe. My daughter just bought a house, an I've even thought of giving it to her. But her house doesn't have a dinning room in it. It has a large kitchen but the three piece set wouldn't fit in it. My son is talking about moving off to college, an his place wont work for it either. An there's a part of me saying just leave it where it is, an give the house an it to the youngest. An stop moving things around. But I need the space! Lol An around an around she goes, where she stops nobody knows. Anyway, it's the issue right now. An finding another photography job part time, I'm not burnt out on. I've been doing photography almost ten years now. An the only thing that is getting me excited is the prospect of photo shooting my grandson in all the newborn posing I've wanted to do for a long time. I have the classic newborn, white glow poses I love so much, but there are others I'm exited to be able to do out of my home. An if you've read my stuff before: You'll know I get sick of white. It's time to make room for growth! But the table sure makes me miss my grandmother. To me, one of the most important things she owned was this table. An reminds me of so many holidays gathered around it with family. It reminds me of her cooking. Which she did all the time. It was her way of getting you to come spend some time with her. Then she'd catch up with you on everything going on in the family or you. I use to love spending time with this way. Even if it was her just cooking couple fired potatoes. I watch her, while she cooked and talked. An as much as she would go on about my dad talking her ear off, she was quiet the chatterbox herself. An I enjoyed these heart to hearts, that usually end with her talking you outside to see the latest in her garden. Or what she was working on out in the yard. I miss having someone I could talk to. Really talk to and trust. Conversation is one of my favorite things. A good one, is hard to find. She's been gone twelve years, an I don't talk much these days. Or it's rare. My children are too busy with their lives for it. They are usually in an out when they stop by. An I don't go out like I use to, an get into sporadic conversations with folks much anymore. My lifestyles changed a lot. I'm not in a retail environment like I use to be where I'd meet interesting people to have conversations with. An since AOL went away, so did a number of people I chit-chat back an forth with world wide. An it was the table, an thinking of her that kinda made me realize just how important a good conversation is to me. Truth is, it's why I don't get a long with certain folks either. Either they talk about others all through the convo, or lean towards weather conversations: Or frankly to busy to slow down an have heart to hearts, debates or too set in their beliefs to hold a good conversation. In fact more I thought about it, the more I kinda get why my grandmother and I where close. We enjoyed talking to one another. It wasn't unpleasant. An I know that's why I enjoyed my first husband an certain friends as well. The ability to talk about anything, an not take it to personally. So I'm missing her because there are so few that get me, or why I am the way I am. Other relatives take on it, just get on my nerves: Cause it's usually way of base. An I'm kinda laughing about that even now as I write this: Because she knew that, an would always go: Why do you care what they think? An I usually had to explain to her because lol I'm gonna get attacked by few of them thinking our relationships different then what you say. An she would be all: Well, who cares? I don't. LOL but she didn't have to live with their judgments: I have. But that's why I liked her so much: She didn't give a damn what others thought of her. She only cared about what she did of herself. It made her a great person to go an get advice from. Or talk over a issue you where having with. So, I'm missing her because good conversations are hard to come by. Or sorely lacking in my life right now. I just don't have that many “go to” people in my life anymore. Not that I ever needed a lot of them. I've always found, I needed a sounding board. One that actually had listening skills. A lot of folks don't, an there are even less of them that take the time to listen to children. An she did, an would. No matter how silly the topic the six year old brings up. She talk to you like you where having a full blown adult conversation. An this must be how I'm like my dad in some ways: He didn't talk talk to many either. An he would talk her head off. An I know her, she would him as well. Cause sometimes she did me. I'd get off the phone with my ear aching. But I miss those phone calls. I miss her. So, moving the table to set up the studio right is a hard one for me. Not sure I will. Maybe I'll just get rid of the living room furniture I don't even like instead. When’s the last time you had a good conversation? |
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