Artistic Neptune

I like Astrology. It helps me take something someone does or say a lot less personally. Not everyone believes in it, usually people who don't follow it with any depth. An it's interesting to me that there is another Dana Haynes that is a full time astrologer. For me it's just a personal hobby of mine that helps me get out of myself, an personal feelings. It helps me see my life on a much broader scale, so when hurt by another deeply it gets me past it. Its easier to understand, they just can't help being the energy they are. Then they try to understand they did something intentionally to harm me. It helps me hope that they will learn to use the energy within themselves better in the future or might mature into a better version of it at some point in life.
The reason I believe in it is because my chart is so dead on.
It explains things to me about myself, sometimes after years of trying to understand “Why me?” That always seem to happen to me an no one else around me. It gets me away from the poor me's and reminds me of what I experienced God to be: A energy light force.
See, I had a near death experience.
It happened to me when I had my first child during her birth. I asked for Jesus, an I “saw” God. Or what I call God. A cosmic power greater then myself. That calmed me and comforted me during one of the most painful experiences of my life. My child was stuck in my birth canal. At the last second, they cut me from my yin to my yang, removing her as I floated off into darkness, an saw the tunnel of light so many NDE will tell you about. I experienced an over whelming sense of peace: An had a “conversation” with God. Which I saw as a ball of light. Energy.
So when it says in Genesis:
God made the two larger lights, the sun to rule over the day and the moon to rule over the night; he also made the stars. It's all I really need to read of the bible to “get it”. God is a “power” source of energy. An that's the best way I know to explain what I experienced. It's in the stars, the moon an sun. The universe. A energy source that influences us: Our lives.
An I see it as pretty much up to us how we handle those gifts we have been given.
Our charts are just like maps through the cosmos: With unique energy stamps by God or whatever you view as God. An it's up to us to learn how to deal with the lot that's been given us. We can bring out the best or worse of ourselves. An whether it's good or bad is kinda just up to us an how we choose to “see it”. To me taking a “higher” perspective on it, takes me out of myself to rise above the emotional pain others sometimes inflict on me and my life.
I have a aspect in my chart: Moon sextile Neptune that seem to come around a lot. Or at least make it's mark on my life. Some call it a daydreamer aspect. It walks hand in hand with being artistic and empathic. I attribute the NDE to understanding it better is all. With my recent health scare: It's influence on me is what has me wanting to right a book as well. So my children, more then anyone understand me: Because they don't. An to me, it's important that they do because I don't particularly like being told I'm crazy when I'm physically ill.
I recently went through a breast cancer scare that shut my whole life down. They and others around us: me & my kids: did not handle it well at all. People I have never had much in my life to do with since I left home in the first place. It put me in father harms way. An the situation got worse instead of better. I do not trust these folks with my life. I never have. They are abusive and I know it. So, there is a deep need in me to explain this to my kids, so it doesn't happen again. I'm aging an my care will be in there hands: So they should understand why I'm doing something, they don't get.
It doesn't make me crazy. It makes me able to survive harsh conditions. I see it as the mind being a powerful thing. Will to overcome.
Anyway, the just of it is: I was working at Lifetouch doing traveling photography. Doing so requires packing and unpacking the studio equipment. I've never had a issue lifting that kinda light weight equipment but noticed it was becoming a strain on me. One I never had before, an I was more tied then normal. I chalked it up to I had pulled something coupled with just stressed an not sleeping well. I had a numb pain that didn't go away. After a few months of this: my breast was swelling up some. Again I just thought I had pulled something. Then, there was some abnormal discharge. I so didn't want to think the worst: I talked myself into believing it was just going though menopause.
It'll pass I'd think. But the tiredness didn't.
I was just struggling in a way I never had before. My energy level has always been high. I could do sixteen hour days normally dancing on my heels. Not worrying about it. Just get some sleep and I'd be good as new. But that wasn't working. It lead to me not being able to perform as well at work. My sales where lower then they normally where, which caused financial problems. I was barely able to keep my phone on, then my truck broke down an I didn't have the money to cover it to keep working. I left the job.
I didn't have much of choice.
I was physically, emotionally and financially exhausted. I was just too tired to care.
It was depressing as well but I figured I'd get some rest an then get it all straightened out with Lifetouch or find a different photography job. What ended up happening because I was sick and I got myself stuck. I had been living paycheck to paycheck. Normally, I'd have something in the bank for an emergency. This time I didn't. My utilities got shut off. My food supply dwindled. All I needed was a ride to get food stamps, a way to shower a job close by to pay the bills because my transportation wasn't running. That way I could get it fixed, get back a hold of Lifetouch an go back to my normal job.
That didn't happen.
What happened is I ended up eating a bag of Masa trying to stay alive while all these “helpful” people I didn't trust sat around an called me crazy instead of taking me to get food stamps an a medical card so I would be okay. Instead they'd drop in, take me out to lunch once a month an tell my kids I was nuts and need to be in a mental institution. My kids are grown. They don't live with me any longer, an alarm bells went off for them. They didn't have the money to even really get up to my house, let alone feed me. My son finally did bring me some food, a phone to apply for benefits so I could get out of this mess I was in.
By that time, I was hallucinating from starvation.
These “helpful” people put me through this shit for about six months. An since I was hallucinating my kids listened to them an put me in a metal ward. Which I resent the fuck out of. Some of these same people had taken a good chunk of my inheritance so I was pissed. I would not have been in that situation if I had not let them take it. So not only was I dealing with a breast cancer scare an starving I was now in a MAJOR depression about how it was being handled by people I don't trust and never will.
I ended up stuck in that shit hole for 45 days until my benefits kicked in.
I’m not paranoid. They have done things to me they shouldn’t have. An the people who did me wrong, who took a lot of my financial security away from me got to pat themselves on the back about what good people they where. They kept threatening to “report me” or have me recommitted the whole time I was trying to get to the bottom of what was really physically wrong with me an get back on my feet. They felt justified in taking my daughter away a year earlier for no reason what so ever. A situation I only agreed to let her live in so she didn't have to switch high schools because I was traveling an had moved out of that school district. So she could live in the lifestyle I would have been able to afford had they not fucked me over to begin with.
I'm a pretty generous person.
An didn't have a problem with letting them have what was just as much mine as theirs until that. In fact I wished them well. But the resentment goes deep because this is how they did my grandmother when she was sick with cancer, an my dad who died of a heart attack. Their help is really no help at all. It's people looking to take advantage of another instead of really helping them. I knew this about them before this even happened. An boy if I thought I resented them for how they treated people I care about back then, I sure as hell do now. I was so frustrated an pissed: I couldn't see straight. An when I get that angry I cry. I cried for 45 days straight. It majorly depressed me to know just how low they'd go.
So then I was going through menopause, a breast cancer scare, recovering from starvation an a full on major depression on top of grieving all over again.
Hate is a under statement of what I feel for people like this.
An it really did point out every major flaw to me in the health care system cause I'm not a homeless person. In fact, I own my own home. Paid off in full. But I certainly know how a homeless person would feel now. I've had three breast monograms since. They gave me a medicine first. In case it was just a infection. It healed some what, an they keep watching it because there is something there. They can't tell me for sure whether it is or not cancer. Back on my feet a little since then, I also take CBD oil for it. Once in a while, I still feel that numb pain there. Best they can tell me is I'm borderline an could be on the verge of it.
I'm not as tired as I was.
But have had other physical issues since because I was in starvation mode so long. I had three sever asthma attacks an went into the doc to do something about that. They unlike the mental ward, checked for real physical reasons for what's been going on with me. I've had excessive weight gain. Like 20 pounds a month an I found out my Thyroid has gone ape shit as well. Physically it's hard for me to do the photography job like I once did. But it's getting better day by day. I'm struggling in ways I never have before: but not mentally. I had a physios from not eating. My body maybe trying to still heal that by putting on the weight: But I'm not nor have I ever been crazy.
Only a very abusive person would go there or try to drive you there instead of getting you the help you really needed. The very same people threaten to be around me an refuse to “help me” if I'm not on my “mental” shot. A shot I took for a year to appease the assholes so I could see my daughter. That has been causing some of the physical problems I'm having. I say, good fucking residence since I never needed that kinda help to begin with. The problem is: People will accuse you of what they are.
Which leads me back to the point I was talking about.
This Moon Neptune influence I have in my chart. It's very daydreamer influence of energy in your life. It also can put you out on another wave length. You can get completely lost in your imagination. It's very empathic. It can gives a profound sense of merging within relationships. If your parent is emotionally stunted, dysfunctional or possibly mental ill or your living with someone with a sever mood disorder like I did growing up it can lead you into relationships where you end up taking care of them instead of yourself. Which I did a lot of as child, even have as in adult hood others where more then a little off upstairs. I was mentally alright, but a lot of people around me in my life have not been.
It's in my chart.
It's not something I planned for or asked for. Two of my major long term relationship where with people who struggled with mental issues. It doesn't mean I have one. It means I know how to deal with those that do, who aren't abusive about it. Once they cross over into abusive territory saying it's me when it's really them: I'm usually done. Because there is nothing I can do about it. They will always have memory loss from their childhood. Or always struggle with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. An as long as they don't take it out on me I'm fine with being there for that person. But I really had to come to an understanding that their mental conditions where not mine to remain close to them. An in some cases you just can't. No matter how much you love them you can't if they are abusive people. My ex attacked me physically once because of his own issues. One's held a gun up at me. Another always putting her issues off on me so she doesn't have to deal with what's truly “wrong” with her mentally. Being Gaslite ect.
You just have to keep your distance emotionally to protect yourself.
It's not your issue, it's theirs so I understand my kids not knowing what to do when I was hallucinating from lack of food. An I don't want them to take psychedelics to try to understand it better either. But a part of me is glad I had in my early twenties before I had them. So I could understand it when it happened to me. Hallucinating. That's not a normal state for me. I'm usually very clear headed even when daydreaming. Which I was A LOT during those months.
An that's what I want my kids to understand about me.
In case it ever happens again or I end up with dementia in old age. I don't want the poor things to think I've lost my marbles when I'm just sitting around thinking about games I played when I was a child. Or a movie, or working on a piece of art in my head. Because during that time while I was sitting around starving to death I was thinking a lot about those things. I thought a lot about my childhood make believe games. True memories I have. It didn't make me crazy, just meant I was focused on something an they didn't understand why under the conditions. I was taking my mind off problems I couldn't do anything about without a ride to get food stamps an a medical card. Once I had food, water and medical attention I got back to the “real world” an stopped thinking about things I watched as a child or games me and my sister would play. It was a mental distraction, more then even a hallucination.
I had to think of something else an try to be mentally productive with my time.
I didn't have TV or even a radio. No books in the house I hadn't already read. I was bored an the only thing I could do was sit an think about artwork. I sat an thought about photography, Disney an what made a movie so great. Story line. An the imaginary stories I would tell myself as a kid playing make believe. It got me through the day, an in my head I was working on the next mural I'd paint, photo I'd would take or story. An what made something “great” vs just average artwork.
It was time well spent in my eyes still to this day.
It's not really my fault everyone misunderstood a lot of what I was trying to communicate during that time. They didn't understand where my head was cause I really didn't appear to be bothered by lack of food or utilities. The kids have seen me off in my own world thinking about things before. Even heard me talk about what was on my mind: What they hadn't seen before is it all come out in a jumbled up mess. An me unable to express myself about why I was thinking about something, someone or thing. It was a by product of not eating. I didn't see things that weren't real. Or think I was someone else, despite what was told the mental hospital.
I sitting around thinking about what made something so great artwork.
So when I came out of this what I considered down time in my life. I could do it. Cause artist study the greats. They always do. The greats study, they observe either to improve on something or come up with something totally original on their own. An what kept coming across to me thinking about all that was: as a kid, my sister played out Beatles Juice almost with the same story line right in front of me. Things we played as children in make believe land, are in some pretty popular movies, films and cartoons. For example there is a day, I was playing in the pool by myself that pieces of could have came right out of Ariel, a Disney film created years after I had played these make believe games by myself in the pool. I thought about how I'd play cowboys an Indians laying awake in my bed at night with stuffed animals with my sister asleep right next to me. She'd be surprised how much I thought of her during that time because we played together so much. An those stories, make believe playing is what I was thinking about because they had good plots.
I mean I use to imagine Bugs Bunny was my uncle, an play out by the barn after he left to move up north. I’d pretend that he was still there. As Bugs Bunny. I knew he wasn't back then, just as much as I do now. But I'd still pretend, he was standing near me when I watered the cows saying, “What's Up Doc”. It didn't make me delusional then anymore then it does now. I was just playing like a normal kid. An the plots I had in the story where great material to think about. If they'd make a good cartoon now. Childrens book. Or how could I take that an turn it into a storyline today with a cartoon, or film or something. An to this day, ;my Uncle still reminds me of Bugs Bunny. Not cause he is, but because I had a lot of fun playing he was.
Imagination. I have some.
It was the make believe story lines we had as children an them being so close to great story lines since then that really had my interest. I literally started sorting though memories of “play time” to see if I could find a storyline, that would work in a painting, book, cartoon or movie. When my kid would come an see me, he didn't understand why I was talking about Bugs Bunny, or James Dean. Who in my mind, reminds me of my grandfather. Who was just as good looking and passed away just as young. You'd have to know, I think about shit like this to even understand what I was talking about at the time cause I was so out of it from not eating. Of course my kids never meet my grandfather he passed when I was four. So, nope they probably aren't going to get the mental association I have with those two. An one of those “helpful” people just went around telling everyone: She's crazy. She thinks grandpa was James Dean.
No I do not.
I associate the tragedy the same thou. The tragedy of dying too young is how they are similar. The problem I had is I couldn't communicate that because none of them wouldn't take the time to listen to me either. Their incapacity to understand me or my train of thought didn't make me crazy. It made me mad. Who want's a care taker that misinterpret everything you say or mean that really doesn't take care of you but keeps professing they are.
You want to help me? Get me some food an shut up for a bit. Hell you might even learn something. Then you might understand something I'm saying instead of assuming you know everything. Maybe my real needs might get meet. So, I spent a lot of time thinking about what made ET great. Or Drew Barrymore. Didn't mean I thought I was her. I was thinking about how she became an actor in that story to being with because she was a child. I was thinking about how children have “magical thinking” when they play. Perfectly healthy thing for them to do, an how its used in some of the centuries best films. I was thinking about being a photographer, how she ended up a cover girl. How'd she go from just a kid to that? To opening her own production company.
I was thinking BIG.
Studio BIG. How do I go from unemployed photographer to successful production in this day age. Storyline. That's where my mind was at. Not that a damn person around me understood a flyin fuck what I was thinking about waiting for someone to get me some real help. Nor cared. My son finally did help me get a food card an the problem resolved itself. But I have to just tell myself, well Disney went through some of the same shit. Broke, sleeping outside an staring at a mouse in his darkest days. An nobody that didn't do cartoons where going to understand him either.
A lot of these “helpful” people who kept trying to chuck me in a mental hospital instead of get my breast looked at aren't artist. Photographers. Digital artist or even a little bit computer suave. I don't expect them to understand I guess why I'm talking about lighting. Or posing. Shit I finally just gave up in the ward: An went in my room and drew an looked at magazines until I could communicate properly again. I pretty much stayed in my room an refused to come out until I got enough food in me. Then showed the doctor my breast.
OH! That might be a problem! Ya fucking think?
Anyway they released me. I saw a doctor for it, an been trying to recover from it since. But that moon Neptune sextile is what people saw. Me in thought, thinking about shit they didn't understand. Let alone begin to understand why I'd be thinking about it in the first place. Who knows why we fantasize as adults: Neptune. I might have been in a fog from lack of nutrition but I'm not nuts. My minds only thing that kept me sane while I had a lot of people running around me being insane. An the only reason I'm writing this is so my children understand if God forbid I ever do loose it up stairs, at least they will have a clue what I'm talking about. Or daydreaming about it.
The land of “make believe” . That’s where good stories come from. Good artwork.
Because I'm usually working on something in my head: the next piece of art. An just because I'm thinking about doing something surreal doesn't me I think it's real. Just because I might be thinking about a girl with an umbrella floating in the clouds doesn't mean I think she really can. It means I might be thinking about Mary Poppins or how to convey a feeling or idea. I think pretty abstractly too. In concepts. In storyline. In pictures. An plot.......an how can I turn this into something great.
So hopefully by the end of reading this, they or you an others understand.
Just because you don't understand something doesn't make that person crazy. It just might mean you aren't thinking on the level they are not capable of. An I have known that all my life. It doesn't make me or you crazy. It just might mean your stupid. At least in my eyes, if you don't bother to at least try to understand where another person is coming from. An just because I didn't have the means to defend myself financially doesn't make it so either. People get sick.
An my family is terrible at dealing with real physical sickness.
For some odd reason it seems easier for them to believe its just in there heads then actually confront someone maybe really sick and could possibly die. They can live in denial someone is very ill a long time. An ignore it til the persons dead. An I obviously kinda like living, so it's important to me my kids get that. The first things you check is for a physical problem. To me, that seems obvious. But I apparently have to write a three page note on the topic because some don't. An others will take a bad situation an make it worse ever single time to make themselves feel better about themselves.
I really don't know what I'm gonna do into old age.
Up until the last few years, I never had to worry about my health. It's been pretty good other then gallstones from stress and dealing with people like this my whole life. Each time I've had to go to the hospital for routine things: like childbirth and minor surgeries I've had to put someone outside of my family in charge of my healthcare. Basically because they don't make good decisions regarding me. I've known that since my first NDE. An even more so when they where taking things away from me while I had a simple gallstone surgery.
Not all are to blame. They just don't make sound choices when it comes to me or my health. They all suddenly think they are doctors when they are not. An I can't think of one thing more frustrating to me when I'm sick then dealing with their “help” then that. I really don't like being bothered when I'm ill. I generally want to be left alone to heal. An at some point in my life, I am going to need someone in my life that can care for me the way I need. Not just me take care of others.
It's just something we all go through aging.
Knowing I don't have anyone like that, or my kids aren't going to be very good at it. Is scarey. A lot more scarey to me then actually passing over. So I'm praying my death won't be any long term disease. That when I do die, its quick and peaceful. Not some long drawn out thing that subjects me to a bunch of annoying stuff. Like picking me over before I'm even dead. Which I don't think my kids would do, but know others would them. I have friends that wouldn't let it happen if they knew I was being done that way. But when your ill, your not particularly social.
So I don't know what I'm gonna do, except take out a restraining order when the time comes just to keep some people away from me. So if I am that ill, I can at least die in peace. It's not a current problem. I seem to be in recovery. But I'm like my grandmother, an I'd rather my life be in order when my time comes. It does for all of us. An hopefully, I still have enough time an good health to get some of the stuff inside my head out into a piece of work. So, my children benefit.
There's still a lot of good stuff rolling around in there. Thanks to that moon, Neptune aspect in my chart. This is just some of the ways it can manifest in your life.
I like to think I have just gotten to a point in my life I could create something great with it. Now that the children are grown I have time to do them. I have a painting in mind I can visualize. A few I can't but will work on. Photography I still have yet to do and a lot of digital stuff I want to attempt. A few toons in the thought process an a story or two I'm might get around to telling. Maybe one about my life, another about learning photography. Another about being an artist to begin with. Maybe something fictional. If nothing else a few children's books I can illustrate for my grandson. So much I want to do, that I don't know if I'd get it all done by the time I was 80.
So dying isn't an option for me yet.
I wasn’t suicidal then, but they told people I was. The only choice I have is to get better so I can get it all done. An hopefully teach my children how to deal with me if I'm ill. Cuz I'm not dead yet. Don't take it personally but I've got shit to do.
That doesn't include dealing with bullshit.
The only bullshit I enjoy is figuring out how to create something this way or that. And Neptune is all about the imaginative and creation. How to take something from out of your mind into the real world. It can be a very creative aspect in your chart, or artist bent. So I really can't help the energy it causes in my life. I don't take it to personally, like others would. It's either gonna manifest itself as a nuttier around me or in some artwork I do. I prefer the later.
I'm not crazy, just surrounded by an energy that can manifest itself that way. An this is why I like astrology. It makes it so much easier to understand an see the good side of. It’s a very artistic dreamy influence. You can get lost in the thought process. Daydreaming if your not artistic or have an outlet for it. If I didn't get that energy around me: It would surely manifest as something totally frustrating to deal with and balance out in your life. I'd just be stuck in a constant state of daydreaming an never getting anything useful out of it. I'd take other peoples insanity personally. I wouldn't understand others motives, emotional issues or mental hang ups. Without astrology explaining the influence of Neptune energy in my life: I probably would go mad. Or be pissed off all the time. But it put it in proper context.
It's not personal. Just a energy in my life.
So when others start behaving irrationally around me. At least something productive comes out of it. It might be just a daydream to some: but it helps me visualize something before creating something good. What more could an artist ask for? It's divine inspiration. It's like living with a story board going on in your head at all times. Trick is getting it out of your head into some sort of art form. Not just caught in a daze. An if that's crazy, then so was DaVinci, Michael Angelo, Disney an a bunch of other people at Pixar are.
I am perfectly fine with that. So you know what I want:
If I ever do just get completely out of it: My kid to come up an draw or paint what I'm talking about. Listen. Or hand me some art supplies or something. A pencil, piece of paper. Anything, to create with. Cause chances are no matter how sick I get I'll still be able to do that. While they figure out what's really wrong with me. It’s not gonna be a head problem, but physical cause.An if they can't find it at least I'll still be happy, while I heal. Neptunes a really peaceful healing energy too. It's the perfect state to put yourself in to get better. Great for concentration. It helps one focus on something. Even if ya don't get why they are. To me it's just all about the creative process. To others, apparently looks insane or obsessive who have never done any kind of art. Who don't think like that an artist. Artist usually walk through the creative process in their heads before they put it all togather in some format or piece of work. It’s not a bad skill to have.
So please keep me away from people who don't know anything about art: They are annoying & depressing. And having a hour once a week in their therapy groups don't make then any less agitating. I don't want to be drugged or strung out on some pills just cause they don't get it. Or me.
That is their problem. Not mine. An don’t make it mine.
Not all artist have some brain disorder. It pisses me off to no end, that romantic notion some have that we are all just tortured souls with some chemical imbalance. We are not. We just have a drive most don't. An it's the world not understanding that drive that depresses most of us. Or their lack of appreciation it. I don't want to die broke cause most are to cheap to pay an artist fair wages for their work. Or that it takes ten years sometimes to create something worthy. And it has at times took me ten years to get one painting done before. Other times, few hours or days. Do you have a clue how frustrating that is?
Probably not, unless your in the art field.
Most don't get the time investment involved in a piece of quality art. They just like the end results. They don't want to understand the details of what all it takes to make something great. Ill tell ya what being a good artist it like: It's like fighting with a clock your whole damn life. Trying to get something out of you, you know you've got in you to be done. It takes time to learn all those skills. An you will practice on the most mundane things over an over again just to learn how to do the details of something. An even then you might not have it right down to your perfections.
It's difficult to be one: an artist.
Not because of art, but because the way the world treats most artist. I didn't take kindly to being put in a metal institution because of it either. It was inappropriate, uncalled for an a misguided. An this a nice way of saying “F” you about the whole thing. There are millions of artistic people who are not insane. We all have Neptune somewhere in our chart. It doesn't make the whole world crazy. But Astrology will help you take it a lot less personally when others are calling you that. I'm pretty much writing this because my Neptune-Moon aspect does take it personally. It’s very empathic. I have to remind myself it's not. Even if others where trying to intrude on boundaries set in the name of “helping me”. Cause it likes to blend boundries. An somethings you just don’t want to “blend with”.
It's just a energy. Use it for art, it’s the best way to.


PS: I didn’t have time to edit this for typos