Rinse and Repeat

Part of surviving abuse, is speaking up. I'm not here to relive the past but it is part of my story. My life. An it's something I had to live with. I don't think I had it the worst. I know others that did live with much worse happening to them. An I really don't dwell on it. Physical abuse is much easier to get over then mental or emotional abuse & manipulation. An the years following turning my parents in for the physical abuse where the worst for me because of those things. I was guilted A LOT!

Art became a get away.

A way to escape “reality” in my head. It gave me mentally something else to focus on that was a lot more positive. It got me through some very hard times. Always has because there is something therapeutic about putting “feelings” into a painting, drawing or poem: whatever your release val: music. It's a way to “get it out of you”. An a lot more productive then self destruction. An it might be where the cliché of “tourtured artist” comes form. Some of my art is a bi-product of bad experiences. An it's why I have a hard time talking about them sometimes.

I don't want to say, “Well this piece came from a memory of a beating I endured for coloring the wall at age two. Or this one from being kicked across the kitchen floor an screamed at: I never wanted you. But part of being an artist is to convey a feeling depth. So you will pull from bad memories to create gold. Turn something bad, into something good. It's the same notion as trying to turn water into wine. You want something worthwhile to come out of all you've been put through: Not just be the target of meaningless none sense.

Art is a form of self therapy.

An it's a lot more productive then just drowning in sorrow. Which is only one emotion out of the whole human experience. So to me, good artist conveies the full spectrum. But arts personal, no matter how much an artist tries to depersonalize it so they can put it out there publicly. I personally didn't like abstract as an art form for many years, now I see it as telling a secret without giving away the secret. Because I really don't like talking about some of the things I've gone through. Sometimes you must.

Not to be mean. Or hurt someone. That's not really my intention: But sometimes you have to speak up.

Especially when it's happening to you again. An you have to keep speaking up til a bully stops or gets your not going to take it. I'm not being physically abused right now: but I have been ganged up on plenty emotionally, financially and mentally since my grandmother and my dad died. I resent it an that's all there is to it. I don't want to be around anyone who has tried to take advantage of me. I don't want to be subjected to being degraded behind closed doors again. Or talked about behind my back.

A normal response.

Because the only way I have found to deal with a bully: Is get it all out there in the open. They are a lot less likely to pull stunts on you if the whole world is watching.

Silence is what allows abuse to happen.

An I had good reason to be silent to a degree the last ten years; a business I inherited was at stake. I was caught in a catch 22. You want it to do well, so your silent about a lot of things. You let this or that slide, because your not willing to destroy something you helped build. An I'm not, but I'm not going to sit here an just take the same shit I took as a child either.

I'm a grown adult.

Who is an artist. Who does have to tell her story, background an about her life to sell art. It's part of it. If this makes some uncomfortable then maybe they should look at their own behavior over the years instead of trying to isolate me from the world like they did back in the day. Maybe they should stop trying to control me, or my life. Maybe just maybe, they shouldn't have tried to use my kids.

My daughter was verbally attacked on her birthday.

Called all kinds of things right in front of me basically for being a typical teenager. She's a good kid. Gets good grades. Involved in choir. Cross country. Works a job. Very busy with a lot of good things going on in her life. She left what should have been an enjoyable occasion, that was suppose to be all about her in tears.

Same kinda tears I cried as a teenager.

She was basically being bullied on. Dealing with depression from it. An while I've let a lot go since my father and grandmother passed: I'm not willing to have my kids done in the same fashion I was or have been.

The only way you can stop abuse: any kind – physical, mental or emotional: Is to speak up.

You have to remove yourself from their presence. I don't care how much you love them. Or if it tears your heart out to let them go. You have to stand up to it. I might have been willing to take a certain amount of shit to keep my fathers business going. I may have kept quiet about things of the past an let a lot of things happen to me that shouldn't have since my father and grandmother passed. I'm use to being a survivor of abuse an taking a certain amount of shit but I'm not willing to let my children get sucked into the vortex an go through things I have. An it's not okay for someone to use your children to get even with you.

Abusers and bullies hold grunges.

An you accept that to a degree as the family member that turned them in. You live with the being outcast in your own family mark. But what I've found is someone truly repentant of it happening to you doesn't treat you that way. Most in my family where glad I told. Glad to have it end. Happy to let it heal and want to move on from it. We grew from it. An those that have, I've embraced. But those that use those same old tactics of trying to guilt you, be raid you or destroy you will try to get away with it again. An you have to speak up. It's not okay to treat me this way. Or anyone else for that matter.

Cause if you don't, they will do it all over again. They may not lay hand on you but they will try to destroy your life. An will use whatever means possible. I understand more then anyone people want their privacy if they've been abused. They don't want it all out there. I understand it better then anyone because I don't like the memories of it, or having to relive it. But if you don't speak up, an keep speaking up an abusive person will use that very exact thing to try put you through all kinds of things again.

I've been put through enough.

I'm physically sick. I don't feel good an I'm tired. I shouldn't have to deal with this behavior. I haven't taken it off anybody since I was twelve an I am not going to bend over backwards to keep the peace to repair relationships better off broken. What part of I don't want to be around it, or it around my children do some people not get. I've pretty much given up just about everything rightfully mine just so I couldn't be done that way an keep being exposed to it.

I would chew my own arm off to get away from that type of person or behavior. What part of that, hasn't sunk in over the past forty or so years for some I will never get. I'm not saying all this to hurt someone, or violate anyone's privacy. It's the only way I know that works:

Stand up, be vocal about it an a nicely as you can tell them it's not okay. Stay away from me if your going to continue to behave in that way.

It's the only way to free yourself from a bully.

An it's not okay to use other family members to justify what your doing.

If they can't understand by now your being picked on and at by someone from ever angle then you have to stay clear of them to. This is why abuse survivors go through depressions. Cause I'm not by nature a depressed person. I'm normally pretty happy to live my own life. My depressions stem from the exact same root they always have:
When I'm getting done that way an still trying to get along with an unreasonable person.

You try because you still love them an other family members: but if they are using that against you. Then you do have to cut out all contact with anyone not supportive of you. An this might mean they get their way isolating you from other family but you probably better off. You'll be a lot less depressed that's for sure cause your not exposed to it any longer.
One of my abusers, didn't like what I wrote the other day. Which I thought was actually pretty good.
I had to deal with several phone calls from other family members to take it down. I hurt that persons feelings. An I was being guilted into removing it. I won't.

It's the truth, an how I feel about it.

An that person didn't give a shit about my feelings when all of it was happening to me when i was little and defenseless. An you have to remind yourself, they don't care. They didn't care about your feelings back then, an they don't right now. That doesn't change. An they will use any means possible to try to suck you back in and control you. Cause that is what abusive people do. They try to control you an if they can't: They will try to destroy you. Your reputation, your character, financially, what ever means they can. Whatever you give them access to. They will try to isolate you as much as they can to do it.

Your only defense is to speak up: An say enough. Get out of my life.

I had to deal with my son, who got the phone call coming up here to my home an telling me “He couldn't wait until I was dead”

If I don't remove that, Ill make sure no one in this family talks to you. It came right out of my mothers mouth six months earlier if I didn't “do what she said”. It is the same damn tacit that was used on me when I was eighteen, trying to guilt me into coming back home.

If you don't do what I say, “I'll make sure you don't see your sisters.” I'll make sure none of us talk to you.

And it did damage a relationship with a sister. She thinks I'm the devil incarnated. She's quite a bit younger she doesn't get it. Hands weren't laid on her, thanks to me. But trying to use my own children agaist me is exactly why my father left. It’s why I’m not around anymore then I have to be. I’m being threatened with: You wont see your grandchild. Not by my daughter, but that person.

Trying to isolate someone is straight out of the an abuser handbook. I swear it. An your only recourse is to let them. It's the best thing for you, not to be around anyone who witnesses it an does nothing anyway. Because then they can only pull stunts out in the public: Where others are going to see it. Witness it. An they will usually go crawl back into the hole they came out of.

An your life can go on in peace.

An if this makes me an “asshole” so be it. Right up there with my father: Cause your not going to get away with it. I shouldn't have had to spend a year in counciling again cause of this bullshit.

I'm not afraid to defend myself. Or take losses to be done with something or someone.

I tried: An that's all anyone can do. An I will speak my truth. An I will talk about my life an if you don't like it: Don't give me any new material.

If my children don't understand it: Good! I'm glad they don't. It means I never put them through that kinda of shit. I'm doing this so those who don't understand it do. They will.

If others are kinda, where the hell is this coming from?

Well, from years of being re-subjected to the same kind of shit behind the scenes. My mother calls me a shit stirrer. But truth is, I couldn't stir any shit, if there wasn't shit to stir. So knock it off. I'm killing about four birds with one stone. I have to write about my art, myself as an artist, leave something so my kids so they understand their mother, an what she went through and hopefully help other survivors of abuse get past it themselves. An if I have to, an only if I have to will I get into the nitty gritty details of it. I do apologize to those that prefer their privacy if this steps on any of their toes.
The book I want to work on is about healing from it. Getting past being just a survivor.An for the ones who had the guts to confront it. I’d like to be like Joyce Myers about it: Fact I was abused. An not go into details. But maybe my kids need to hear some of them so they get. Just because I made it look easy to get over it: It wasn’t. It was horrific.

An be thankful you ain’t ever had to deal with something like that.

Sometimes, you have to re break an arm for it to heal properly. So it will grow straight. Healthy an beyond what happened to it. Sometimes you have to cut a cancer growth out of yourself. It might be painful in the process but you life gets to go on. I expected this to end when I was thirteen. It didn't. I had to wait until I was eighteen to get out. An I never expected to have to go through this again. An for the most part I haven't most of my life because I had other supportive family members, friends and people in my life. I'm not going to keep reliving out the orphan role because my mother was.
I'm sorry. I'm just not.

I have a right to get on with my life: my grandmother and fathers deaths shouldn't have been used as an excuse to try to suck me back into something I left a long time ago. I'm angry about that. I resent it. If other family members want to be around it: That's their choice. I don't. If they want to believe I'm the bad guy or think it. Or I'm crazy: So be it. Time tells all. But deep down, people know I've walked 20 miles out of my way to avoid a confrontation. That is what survivors do. An that's how they thrive.

They leave it all behind, they start over as many times as they have to until that toxic shit is out of t heir lives once an for all. Your not running away from a problem. Your removing it from your life.

You can't build on a cracked foundation.

Your better off taking what lessons you learned and starting off completely over from scratch. Get what good out of it you can, turn it into a great piece of art. A book. Business, whatever your thing is. Or just being plain old being happy & content.

It's a amazing all the goodness that will come into your life after you let go.

Because I have to tell ya, most days I am pretty at peace, content an happy. As long as I don't allow that back into my life.
So stand up, speak up an don't let anyone get the better of you. It was their problem to begin with. Don't let it be yours.
Don't give your own power away. Your life isn't meaningless.

Find a hobby. Go back to school. Work on your career. Go to support groups if you need to. They are out there. Tell your story. Repeat it as many times as you need to. Tell others if you have to. Get counciling if your dealing with depression from it. Stay away from those that try to manipulate you back into the same old situation. Or try to guilt you. Set boundaries. Stick to them. Find a family member you can trust. Or a friend. Get an advocate to run interference. Work on you. Don't worry or focus on them. Be selfish.

It's okay.

They where. An there is nothing wrong with you taking care of you. You can't be there for anyone else if you don't.
Figure out the issues you’ve inherited and just what to do with them to improve your life instead of you just repeating the abuse cycle. Try not to identify with your attacker. You may spend a lot of time trying to understand why anyone would be like that in the first place. You might even feel sorry for them because they where victims themselves. It might heal it some to understand but stay clear of anyone trying to pull you into that cycle again. Do some art. Listen to some music. Make some music. Go for a run. Do some yoga. Exercise. Do something at least once a day that is good for your well being. Once a day, 365 times a year adds up.

Create something out of it's ashes.

Eventually you will over come any obstacle a bully might try to put in your path. It won't even matter to you what the bully is doing. It will only matter to the bully they can't suck you back in. Stir clear of the traps set by them. Do your own thing. Nothing burns their ass more anyway. You will make progress. You'll be all the stronger.

Rinse and Repeat.

You can an will get somewhere in life. Refuse to be pulled under. An if some people stop talking to you. It's okay. They probably weren't that important of a factor if your life anyway. They didn't know what was going on or has gone on. If they are important to you tell them. Listen I can't be around this person. Please respect that. I have my reasons an try to leave it at that. Because a lot of people aren't going to get they are being used to get to you anyway. Eventually people get: It's not you anyway.

Ignore it as much as you possibly can.

Focus back on your life. Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. Cleaning up your life.