 Mission: My Fractal Art is about life. I wanted to demonstrate how we are like God, God is within us, so is Mother Nature & Father Time: The Universe. How “God” is “coded” into us: Mathematically, with sacred Geometry abstractly. I wanted to try to convey my NDE artistically. In 1992, I gave birth to my first child. It was over 72 hours of labor and I had a near death experience having her. She was born 9lbs 10oz after much struggle being stuck in my birth canal. I was in sever pain. I passed out an went into a “dark state”. The pain lifted, but all I could see was dark. I thought to myself. This is it. The end. For the pain had lifted. I was in a state of utter peace-- one no matter how hard I try to describe with words does not even begin to give it justice. I had never felt such an over whelming feeling of it before in my life. Nor since. I did not panic, I welcomed it. I thought to myself, now would probably be the time to ask for Jesus. So I did. Then I saw what others have described as a white light off in the distance. I floated towards it. An thought out loud, with words but without them: Take me. I'm ready. The light grew larger an it was as if I was having a conversation with it. I asked it to take me, but please be sure my newborn was raised the way I would raise it. I was instantly thrown back into my body. Back into the intensity of pain, an soon gave birth to my daughter. But the moments I spent “talking to” what I can only describe as God, have been with me all my life. The time, seemed to stand still as I did, although it was probably only a at tops less then a minute. I walked away with a profound sense of “the other side”. An have been searching for a way since to describe what I felt an saw since artistically. Nothing I have done, has ever seemed to give it the justness it deserves. Or conveys the peace felt. I am a very spiritual person now because of the experience but not overly religious. I do not preach or thump about people about God. Yet, as an artist feel I should try to express the experience creatively. I call what I witnessed God, another might not. So in my work I've tried to express different moods, feelings and sentiments every human experiences. In 2009, I was contemplating returning to college at Rock Valley to finish up my associates degree. I only had two classes left to take: One of them Algebra which I hate, an have had to repeat more then once since high school. In fact, I was always the kid that would point out to the teachers: When the hell am I ever going to use this in “real” life. I just never saw me using it in art, or anything else for that matter. I was more of a ace at geometry. An it's always been my worse subject, an this time I had to do College level. I wasn't sure I wanted to put myself through it just for a piece of paper. So, I got on Google reviewing Algebra to refresh myself. Contemplating if I could even do it anymore. I happened across a Algebra software program. Decided to download it, to see if it could help me. I opened it up, ran it an blew my own mind basically: This was it! It was like jumping down a rabbits hole. I could not get enough of the visuals I saw. Parts of it where very similar to the “light” I saw. Described it visually perfectly. The sights within the program where that complex. I started taking screen shots of what I would find within the program. Then importing many into photoshop an enhancing them with light an color. Many of my pieces I worked on describe the experience perfectly. I was shocked and amazed Algebra / Geometry on a computer could show this in such detail. I continued to explore that program an others. “Seeing” things in the rendering it. Popping them out. Enhancing them. An coming up with beautiful abstracts found just like in nature. Asking others, what do you see? An finding others would see several different images inside one. Almost like a ink blotter test can. So I shy'd away from telling folks what I see in one of my fractals, or what it means to me. An left it as you see what you see... just like any good abstraction does. I set a goal, of making a fractal a day for a year. Disciplined myself to do an share one a day. Entertaining others while teaching them about simple fractal art. An as my photoshop skills improved I started to get into more the more abstract art. I had never liked abstract art in my life until I was introduced to fractals. I feel in love with color again an the idea of conveying emotion differently then I had ever done before. I grew as a artist because I had a sound belief behind the art & symbolism of it an in it. That it represented life. I kept them a simple as you can complex abstraction but found that fractals are what we are made of. They are all though out nature. An like in nature, start out small and given time grow into something beautiful. Sacred Geometry is in our Oceans, Forest, Animals even us. It's what our universe looks like as well. Fractal art is very similar to what a brain can look like inside, our cells an even snap shots of space. An it's all based on mathematical code. Even DNA and light. So while I'm still not a Algebra expert. I've come to see it as a code within all things. Its how “God” is in everything. Even us. Only computes could produce that kind of mathematical scale to show it so clearly. An having been a computer geek for over 21 years, was elated to discover just how close they can replicate what is out in the real world. Of course I'm not the first to discover it. Pixar figured it out and bases a lot of realistic backgrounds in their animations. Fractal is used in computer gaming an all sorts of visual stuff these days. Fractal art is used to reproduce miniature worlds, with foliage, cliffs an realistic landscapes. An it looks so realistic because this is how mother nature creates it herself. For me: It unlocked a key for showing what I experienced. Not every piece is about my NDE, but a lot of them do have this theme of light in them for that reason. For me, it's like looking at what we experience everyday in another way. So we can appreciate what we have: Life an all the profound emotions we experience living it. An how God is most creative artist there is. Think about it. Just how beautiful life is. That is the goal of my fractal art: To get others to think about it. Life's beauty.
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 Roughly, after my father passed. I got pissed off at my mother. She said something to me, that just didn't gel right with me in my grief. Another did as well, after my grandmother passed. Grief is a touchy thing. I knew I needed my space right from the start to process mine. It might have been selfish but it was a lot better then lashing out at someone because with grief comes anger. An I try to keep a tight lid on mine. I wasn't going to take mine out on someone, an didn't want to deal with another's either. To me it's just private. Especially when you have complex feelings about the one that passed. I use to call my father an “asshole”. Because at times he was: I got this from my grandmother. Not that she taught me to think of him as an asshole. It's just the word she would use for all of us if we where being “difficult”. It's the only swear word she would use. An to her, we where all “assholes” in some shape or form. Even I was. It's kinda a inside joke. You would have had to know her I guess. It's kinda like Betty White swearing. You just can't help it. It makes you laugh. She got mad at me one day when her an her boyfriend where arguing in my house. Something that never happened with her. I intervened an told her, they couldn't argue in my kitchen. Right or wrong to me really wasn't important. My kids where home. No arguing. An she turned to me an said: Why, you little asshole. An stomped out. Something she never did with me, an that's when I knew something was wrong with her. Really wrong. He was still standing in the doorway, all befuddled and confused, an just looking at me like: Where the hell did that come from. Because she never acted like this, ever. An that's when I told him, somethings wrong. You need to take her to the doctor. If you don't, I'll call my uncle. Somethings wrong. This isn't her. An it wasn't to long after that she was diagnosed with cancer. She really wasn't herself. She was physically sick. It was effecting her personality. She had a lot less patience then she normally had. It just wasn't her. He told me later after she passed, a decade maybe that at first someone: He wouldn't say who tried to say she was crazy. An at first, her whole mental state was being looked at instead of what could actually be wrong with her. He even got confronted by the doctor, asking about it an defended her. Because that wasn't the issue. My grandmother had always been clear headed. Sharp as a whistle. I agree. I talked to her regularly all through my life. An knew, the problem wasn't ever her marbles. She was a smart lady, always had been. An until they found out what was physically wrong with her, she was a little more short tempered because she was tired. She was sick an she needed medical attention an care. Once, they found out what was wrong, an started to get some of that. She was herself again. There was a reason she was acting the way she was. A physical reason. She never was crazy. Not once. A psychical health issue / problem can alter one's state or attitude. When your not feeling good, your just typically not going to be your most chipper self. When he told me she was put through this, it angered me. Immensely. To me, it's abusive. Someone, an I don't know who attacked her basic character, while she was sick. It didn't last because that's not who she was. An, they didn't know her that well either. You would have to be close to her to notice, something was off. It just wasn't how she would normally react. Wasn't her style. Two to three years before my father passed, he was in an accident. His girlfriend had passed of cancer, he was grieving an his friends took him on bus trip to a casino. They where trying to be helpful. Cheer him up, or help him grieve. He never should have went. His grieving should have been done close to home, around those who would watch out for him. They talked him into it. He got shitfaced, an fell walking down the bus steps. He hit the back of his head. Hard enough to cause blood to pour from his ears. He was knocked unconscious, an someone at the scene gave him mouth to mouth. When I arrived at the hospital, he was conscious an scared to death. I held his hand, all though it. Talked to him calmly. Kept him calm. Calmed him down. An he held onto my hand as tight as he could: Because we both knew it was serious. It could be the end. He had a giant size hole in the back of his head. It was serious. They put him in a coma induced state. His brain was swelling. He might never wake up from it. Only time would tell. We wouldn't know the extent of the damage until he woke up. If he ever did. It was the only way to give it time to heal. He was in a coma for nine weeks. He did wake. When he did, they warned us: everyone reacts to it differently. He would at first be in the mental state of a child. Some come out of it sweet as pie, others difficult. It would be a long road back to himself. It would take time, an he might not ever make it back to being fully himself. It would depend on him. He wasn't crazy either. He had a physical condition that made him take a step back into his mind. He came out of it disoriented, an shock-lying peaceful. Happy. An it was actually a glimpse of the child he had been. He even joked around a bit. Not much because he was clearly exhausted. We wheren't even sure he was going to be able to walk. But the minute I knew he was going to be alright is when, me & my uncle had pushed him into another room: He looked out the window – pointed to a big school building across the street: An said, “I think I use to own that”. We both kinda laughed. Not at him, with him. He didn't ever own that building: but he was remembering he owned buildings. He was reconsigning the area. Somewhat. An I think, we turned him around in the wheel chair an showed him the building he did use to own. It helped. It was a good sign. Then, he told us not to put him in wherever they planned on taking him. He didn't want to go. He recovered. But during that period, they could have called him paranoid too. When your minds not functioning well, but you are remembering there are some people you don't trust with your life: It can come off that way. He agreed to go to physical therapy just long enough to make sure he could, walk, talk an do the things he needed to do: but he didn't want to be locked up in there any longer then he had to be. He was afraid. For couple of reasons, which to me was healthy sign actually. He was remembering the shit cost money. Money he didn't want to blow any longer then necessary. He could walk, talk an do the things he needed to do to take care of himself at home. He had a huge fear they would keep him there longer then he needed to be. An a huge fear, a few close to him would try to force him to stay as well. That he'd be locked up an couldn't get out. Back to himself. It wasn't paranoia. It was a legitimate fear. There where a few, trying to insist he stay. He didn't want to for several reasons. An I don't blame him. He was aware enough to know some where going against his will. They wanted what they thought was best for him. More time in recovery was recommended by the doctors. He wanted to finish his recovery at home. One that didn't come with a huge hospital bill. To me, he was getting back to himself. An his fear of getting locked up in there was real. It's not paranoia if it's happening to you. He made my uncle promise not let them lock him up in there. He'd stay another week but then you come get me if they don't let me out of here. Don't you let them do this to me. I witnessed the whole thing. No, he wasn't back fully to himself, but he was fully aware. He could finish recovering at home an there was no reason to keep someone against his will. His fear, was founded. It wasn't paranoia. He went home. An yea, he was still recovering: Watched the shopping network a little to much an ran up a credit card bill in the process. My grandmother called, frantic: Going I don't know what he's spending the money on. I might need you to go with me to take it away from him. Turns out, his mind was on us three kids during that time period. An he bought a lot of presents for us. Three of everything. One for each one of us. We took the card away from him. He continued to heal. It didn't make him crazy. It just takes time. He did recover. It was a slow process, an if left alone to do it. He could. Without a bunch of pressure on him. Letting him go home, be himself in a place he could relax was the right choice. I understand his fear. It's legit. It's not paranoia because the first thing people he was worried about keeping him locked up did to me when I got sick: Was try to lock me up in a mental ward instead of get me the help I really needed. It's documented who tried to do that. Their names on are the papers, who tried to claim I was crazy when I wasn't. It's the same people he didn't trust to make decisions for him. Nor, my grandmother. It's not paranoia. It's a flat out I don't trust you to make decisions for me or my well being. It's a: I actually could die before you make the right one. So, last week I had a long talk with my kiddo: About what to do if I'm ever not in my “right head”. Her instructions where very clear. Make sure I have food. Get me to a real physician. See what the real physical problem could be. Bring me some art supplies if you want. An give me time to heal. Don't let these people be in charge of my healthcare. I have a thyroid condition. Not a mental illness. Any depression I went through was a direct result of how I was being treated while sick an vulnerable. I was susceptible to physical, emotional attack and harm. I was broke. in need of special care, support, and protection because it. I've always been at risk of abuse or neglect by certain people. It's just a fact of my life. I've always put someone else in charge of my healthcare during those periods. Each pregnancy. During my gallstone surgery. I knew why my dad was acting that way. Why he had that fear. It's not paranoia if it's a real threat to your well being. Just because some is closely related to you does not mean they know what's best for you. When your sick, you want someone who will be a true advocate for your healthcare. Not someone with a personal grudge or bias in charge. Not someone with a personal agenda. You want some who will listen to you when you state your real needs. Who isn't playing games with your life. I really don't care how: Out there I got. It was from starvation, an my thyroid spinning out because of it. Would you want to leave anyone in charge of your life that would let you get to that point? Probably not. An all I see and want to say: When they go on about how great they are doing... Is WTF didn't you do that while he was alive. When he really needed you to. This is why, I really didn't want to get into conversations grieving. Anger is a part of grief. It doesn't bring them back. I didn't want to hurt anyone any further then they already where. My anger runs deep. I was privy to know exactly how my grandmother felt about some things. How dad felt about others. An I've sat over here, pretty much biting my tongue since they passed. An every time I get treated a certain way, grieve all over again. After he passed, I went over to the bar by myself. Took inventory. Processed goodbye. Alone. My children where really the only ones I was okay with being around in that process. They hadn't done anything for me to be angry about. We cleaned. It helped me say goodbye to something I knew I'd never have much of a part in again. Because I knew when my mother said that to me, it was going to be taken away from me one way or another. Art to me is just her way of just saying, sit down an shut up. She was leaning over the bar, helping us list it for sale: All happy like saying “Now Dana, you can do anything you want to. You can do your art.” An I just couldn't help my reaction. A part of me just wanted to reach out an slap her. There was nothing happy about either of them dying. There was no silver lying to me in them passing. I could already do art. I didn't need either of them to pass to do so. So, I just looked at her an as calmly as I could said: “Could you bring them back? Cuz that's what I really want.” She didn't mean to be offensive. She just was. She really had no business standing in my dad's business, or the one my grandmother invested in directing how things should go with it. He had divorced her well over 20 years ago, an it wasn't hers to direct. Everything was getting split up pretty fairly until that point. Most of my time spent over there after he passed was really thinking about what he would have wanted. What he wanted done. I was after all the Vice President of the damned thing. He put me in that position for a reason when he sat it up. He would have wanted it to make money. For the money to continue to grow. That is what he would have wanted. Period. Not for just one of us. All three of us. Not two of us, or one of us. All three. An anyone that acts or says differently is a liar. That was his will. It's always been his will. He didn't have to go writing it down. It was very straight forward. Anyone that's done any different then that, didn't follow his will. He wasn't paranoid. My grandmother's will was for the business not to get into anyone's pockets again. It's not paranoia when its been done before. So I tried to honor those two things. An those that haven't well, I just don't want much to do with. I pretty much know how they got done, an now how I have. I feel both got taken advantage of at times. I feel I have when vulnerable. It's not paranoia, it's just fact. Vulnerability can be caused by poverty and hunger, poor health, a hazardous location, and lack of access to resources and services. Vulnerability is a liability of a partnership. It is a state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. I have been. Threats to my own security have been very real. Vulnerability refers to the inability to withstand the effects of a hostile environment. You go on, an forgive someone for taking advantage of you when you where vulnerable for your own piece of mind. But you never quite forget you can't trust someone again like that for whatever reason. I never have. When you know you can't trust someone, you can't. An trust is a very hard thing to win back. You can't go around calling someone paranoid cause you haven't. All it means is they have a good idea how far they can throw you. An some people: It's just not that far.  The other day, I wrote the general outline of everything I do online. The list of actual sites is longer then that an I went about checking out where I left off with things. With the health problems I've had the last few years, I just shut down my computer. I needed a break from it because I would go to work, then come home an work. An the kiddo's had a bone to pick with me about it. Frankly, I just needed a vacation an deal with the root of the medical problems I was having. This is not the first time I've dealt with a cancer scare. Right after I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, the doctor told my my pap came back abnormal. I would have to wait until after I had her to know, but the pregnancy would slow it down. So after her birth, they did the tests. On a scale of 1-10 I was a nine. My cervix was on the verge of cancer. I had it removed. I call my youngest, my guardian angel because of it. If I had not gotten preggers, I would have never known. I considered myself extremely lucky. Even though I had gallstone attacks for over a decade. Lucked out an a doctor finally figured it out an I had the surgery to remove them. The thing is, I just worked myself into a teesy. An this last scare, I was just exhausted. Mentally, emotionally an physical just done. I worked my regular photography job until I just couldn't go no more. I quit “the internet” an digital artwork. I was frankly just too damn tired to mess with it. So, I've let it just float the last two or so years. Because of that, and is it even worth the time an effort I'm putting into it. I didn't expect to see a massive return on my time an effort anytime soon. I defiantly have a long term game plan an approach to the whole thing. Internet entrepreneur ships, successful ones just don't make money over nite. But the other reason I quit, is I needed to step back an really take a look at what's really going on. I meet with my former boss of Picture Me! And basically said to her: “I'm just trying to understand why “the real world” an the internet are not working together” Why people aren't making they money they should be in these industries, on or off the net. An what needs to be done to correct it. In my mind, by now brick & morters, real world businesses should have a real grasp of what is needed to survive in techno culture. Why are so many long standing studios, companies going belly up? Why art artist making less. I mean this was really effecting me because I work online and off. I've watched, 5 majors in the photography business fold up, sell the company or file bankruptcy. Two of them had very strong internet strategies. All they are seeing is trickles in profits compared to what they should be seeing. An I've watched artist jump on this site or that, upload their work just like I have an putting a lot of effort in, to see little return. While those companies they have uploaded to make 5 million a year. It's flustering. It's a lot of work, so why do it is where I was getting to. Like I told her, something is not working between the two: internet & real world. I was tired. I just had invested the last ten years of my life in both. An frankly, I get annoyed on a lot of these art sites as well because I have a programming background an go, why the hell doesn't it have this, why don't it have that? An I get equally annoyed with the “real world” businesses because they aren't using it to it's full capacities. Almost to the point, I want to go just create one myself. Then I think about it an go: NOPE. I'm tired. I know how much work goes into running one already an say forget it. An that's pretty much what I have done the last two years because the two sides of the industry are not playing well together. Yes, there is an niche in there. Yes, I know there is an opportunity in there. No I do not think we need another one. There are to many art sites out there now in my opinion. So unless someones going to do it RIGHT. I don't think another one should be built. An I never will unless I'm positive it can be done right. Trust me, I could pick apart each artistic site there is. What's not working, what is working. What they need to add, what they need to stop fricking doing. But I'm just now getting to where I feel better or good enough to even sit at my computer. The problem “real world” businesses have on the internet is they don't respond to their customers. I created just a little Facebook page for my store. I responded every night to my customers. I watched in horror as the main corporate site ignored customers. They didn't respond to them on social media. An watched as complaints piled up on their internet accounts. The internet is no different then a customer walking into your studio or store: You have to give them the same level of service you would face to face. An yes, I get it. I've been in retail over 32 years: Some people are just assholes. Yet, in the real world you have to respond to them. You have to listen to them. You have to correct the problem. Even if they are totally wrong half the time. It's rare to ban a customer, asshole or not. CPI failed at customer service on the internet. An Lifetouch, wasn't much better. That's why they have been swallowed up by Shutterfly. I use to get customers, that where so grateful to have me just because Lifetouch was so bad at dealing with customers. Hopefully, with Shutterfly they handle themselves better. My guess is yes but then I see the Shutterfly site doesn't handle professional photographers very well on the internet themselves. It's just about selling prints. An that's what a lot of these artistic sites are only interested in. Few of them really promote promote the artist as much as they should. Some of them aren't even search-able by internet engines. The slap a few things up related to artist, like giving them a support network of other artist: Which we need but they all are about promoting their own companies. Nothing wrong with that but artist still are not getting picked up as much as they should be on the internet by them. Some of it is the artist themselves own fault. I'll give you few examples of my own blunders: Cuz I know better an would still get in a hurry uploading an wanting to move on to the next task is this: Artist don't write good descriptions of their work, an bad at key-wording it. As, I looked around yesterday at all the updates I need to do if I'm going to jump back into this is I made the blunder. Well what the hell am I talking about? Okay, the biggest thing artist/business who are not computer savvy need to know is: You won't be found on the internet if you don't do this. An I'll use myself as an example: Go to Google an search for Dana Haynes My artwork comes up half way down the page in the images section. But none of my stuff comes up on the first page. I have one listing of me on the second. Most people won't click beyond the first ten results on a search engine. This is BAD. I know better. Every piece of artwork I posted, which is over 500 something by now should have had a well written description for each piece an at least had my name as a keyword. Sites like Redbubble & ImageKind let you do this. An I was very good about it when I started posting my pieces. But as time wore on, I would upload an run. An I probably didn't use the best keywords I could have for each pieces. An here's why: Most people are not going to be searching for my name. Not as an unknown artist. Yes, you should keyword it with your name but it's not the most important keywords your going to use. What you want is keywords people actually search for when buying artwork. Example: Search artist dana haynes an I am the first one that comes up. But this still requires someone knows my work to begin with. Yes, you should still use those: because someday maybe lots of people will know your name. I used Fractal art & artist on everything I keyworded. None of it shows up in the search results, an I'll tell you why: The art sites I posted on are not searched by search engines. This is why, I stopped what I was doing. This is why I looked at my ol' boss an said somethings off. Because the only way I get results back is if I search: fractal artist dana haynes. Then I show up in the top ten. Then all my artwork shows up. But it's still requiring someone knows my name. Unless you are very active on social sites posting your work, introducing people to your name and brand you can't be found. An you won't make many sales either. There are two ways to look at this: Hey, at least I'm getting my name out there. An that's wonderful. It's a part of leaving a long term legacy. An people get to know you because your using these sites. An yes, it feels good to be featured on ImageKind as an upcoming artist. Or spotlighted on Redbubble. The attention to your art by other artist feels good. But attention & likes don't pay the bills. It's a way for customers to find artist & artist work. But it doesn't mean you will be found on one of these sites. Let alone sale anything that amounts to a real income & I'll tell you why: The flip side of it is this: I spent a shit ton of effort, posting to every where to get my name out there. Now, some people know my name an can find me to purchase. The problem is it all leads back to these art sites an I could just as easily loose this one little old customer that found in me: the needle in a haystack. They can get easily distracted an buy someone else art or product instead. So, being on these sites is a catch twenty two. The goal is for them to purchase yours. Well, how do you do that? You have a website that's key worded an the meta tags are in place so that they visit your site first instead of one of these sites first. The job of those sites, is to get you found. Not for you to loose potential customers to. Everything you do should point back to your site. Your name, your brand. An I will admit it. I have a programming background, but haven't kept my site up an running. Mostly because I've been sick the last few years but anywho, you catch what I'm saying here. These sites, they come across like well t his is all you need. But I'm here to tell you, don't believe it. It doesn't look professional. So if you are serious you will put up a website with your own url. They just cost so little these days, there just isn't much of a excuse not to. An now that I'm feeling somewhat better, mines going to go up. I have a little freebie one right now. Just playing around with my design I want. An you can use weebly, or wix an any other “cheater”. They don't take a lot of programming background to use. At bare minimum, just post a small portfolio of your work an how to contact you. If your serious about selling your artwork you will. Might be worth it to invest in a web designer. They can set up a site for you that's just as easy to use as Shopify. An they don't have to cost an arm & a leg either. You can generate leads this way or commissions. Sell stuff you already made, but everything you do on the internet should point back to you. Your art. Your name. Your brand. But be sure to understand meta tags & keywords. Without them its hard to generate new customers: That's the goal. Increasing Sales an retaining old customers. The thing about meta tags and keywords, whether its on your own site or one of these art sites is getting the right ones. Don't think about what you would search for. Think about what your customers would search for. Not just the ones that know your name. That's an easy one. Any idiot can do it. Think about what the customer that doesn't know you is going to search for. I'll give you example. The family business is a tavern in town. Regulars know the name. They will search for that. Great, but don't you want the people that don't know your business to find it? Or are you okay with landing on the fourth or fifth page of a search engine result where you will never be found. Because most folks won't look that far into a search result. So, if you where a customer looking for somewhere to new to go hang out, what would you look for? Name of the town, an probably just the word bar or tavern. Am I making sense? Are you following me? Use the word bar, tavern an any other word you can think of a new person would use to search. What most web designers if they are good will do this for you. If they don't they aren't that great. But a decent design includes doing a search of what meta tags an keywords to use. If your designing your own or having someone else do it for you: Go to Google. Run searches on your competitors. Open up their site programming: Look at the words they use to comee up first in the results. Chances are the designer used more keywords then your site an it's why they are getting the results an you are not. You could be the most popular place in town an be coming up low in search results for this reason an this reason only. If your artist, think about what a stranger would search for. Art, painting, abstract fractal blue gray dog donkey ect This is your biggest expense an usually cost you nothing to do it right. This is how you leave a footprint on the internet. This is how you get found. Also, be sure to embed keywords in your photos an use them in your descriptions. Don't forget to do this. You'll come up more often then someone who forgets. LOL like I did sometimes. Only about half the artwork I've done comes up in search results. That's still mighty good but it could be better. An all that is with me being gone for two years, with no website. Which, I'm fixing to get started on this next month. It's important an can't be ignored. I've just been putting it off because I'm trying to figure out a way for it to stay in place long after my death. Cuz I'm betting the kiddos will remember to pay the small monthly fees to keep it in place. An that is one reason to post on these art sites. Most of them are free to a certain degree. An if my website goes down, or my backup drive fails like my did all the work you've done still exist somewhere. An the sites are pretty good about protecting your images. An so will your social media account. As long as that site is live. I have witnessed popular art sites like artistrising.com a subsidiary of art.com go down. No longer in use. Vango.com, who sold only original paintings for $250 quit. Say they can no longer do it. An in 20 years, Facebook might not exist. So there are marketers out there that say social media is a waste of time. Or websites are. An countless regular old people who just socialize on their computers that won't get your actually not just on yours to be social but running a business. Are they right? Is social media marketing a waste of time? Is having a website too? Well, I just went two years not doing either. Kinda testing the theories while I was sick. An just told you about two companies that failed because they didn't take social media or the internet seriously. They had websites. Not very responsive ones. Who didn't give the level of service they would face to face. Both of them the two largest in the nation. So I'd say, yes it matters. When you see large companies crumble because of it an ask yourself why? The answer is having a bad social media / internet reputation. Bad word of mouth. People went to better photographers who would respond on social media. I haven't really done much art except at work. It couldn't be displayed publicly or I didn't personally have to post it. So I haven't had much to share anyway. Did people notice? Yes an no. When you disappear from the internet life goes on without you. But you can get right back in there an pick it up like nothing happened. It's kinda the same in gammers land. Where ya been, oh! Well, welcome back. We missed you. An you pick up where you left off. As long as you didn't leave people angry. You can take vacations from social media. I didn’t leave angry customers laying around so it didn't really effect me, my brand or art sales. I sold art without any more effort on my part. So soical media didn’t matter, but it did. Cause it’s what helped me get search results years ago too. Which is nice to know that residual income will come in long after you've put that kinda effort in. Which is an argument for being on a shit ton of art sites. Just encase something happens to you. Or like me, loosing a hard drive. At least I know now what will happen to my work if I pass. An I'll left some kind of legacy when I'm gone. So, while its not the greatest sales in the world right now because I haven't continued to work it. It is something. An I still do get tickled when someone from Germany or Florida buys my work. But back to the question of do you really need to be on social media? Depends. I say artist an businesses do. An they need to be just as responsive as if someone walked into their store or studio. There are people who do not do social media & businesses that won't. They generate leads a different way an don't need to. But its Rare. One of these “gurus” spouting off you don't is being very generalized saying that. He only has two products. He doesn't run a service oriented business. If your unsocial online why would I expect you to be in your business. Why would someone hand you there business if your not? If someone is going to buy a Snickers Bar, a good product, who do you think they are going to buy from? The unsocial one or the one that’s social with them. That makes them feel welcome. An with artist & photographers especially it's important. You need to leave a impression of who you are with people to sell your work. You could be “hell kitchen dude” with a tude, an it work for you. I've watched a clothing company generate leads just posting sarcasim. It works with their brand. Might not work for yours. Depends on what you decided you & your brands about. An who you want your audience and customers to be. I have very diverse customers. My customers for my photography is usually dead opposite the audience and customers I sell fractal an traditional artwork to. Being on social media helps you discover who likes your work, types that don't an gives you an idea of who you want your customers to be. It helps you narrow it down really quick. Social Media gives the ability for people to respond to you, helps you improve your work, service an business. So while I agree with that “guru” that your product needs to be great. An it's the most important thing. He doesn't seem to understand service in our day an age is a “product”. An you can't just order it. You actually have to interact with your customers, fans an “audience”. An it is like putting on a show. While it's a little more work, it is what will make you stand out competing with someone else that sells the exact same product or service. Do I think you should spend all your time doing just that? Social Media? No. I think it's just one part of customer service these days an putting on your “show”. That's just part of sales. Does social media increase your sales? Yes. If done right. Does it have to be time consuming? No. Depends on how large you or your business is. Some of the companies I worked for should have hired at least one person to do nothing but respond to customers online. They didn't. An it hurt their brand enough to put them out of business. The other one, had poor phone responses. It took a nose dive. I've heard complaints about another larger one having the same issues. Service matters. Service is interacting with people. So yes, social media matters. And I've said that right from the beginning of it. AOL sold a lot. An so does word of mouth.  I watched a program on Salvador Dali, the Surrealist the other day. Dali was one of the most successful artist of the 20th Century. He was worth millions, an died broke. He shouldn't have. He was a very generous man, an had always offered those close to him, loyal to him, that helped him sell his paintings 10% of his sales. To me, that's just a smart way to be. Reward people for being there for you. Supporting you. So, I intend to offer the same: I will give anyone: 10% of the traditional artwork sales you bring me personally. I will give $20 to anyone that sends me a photography client who purchases the digital CD. If you send me five purchasing clients, I will do a photo session for you for free: Give you a CD of the session so you can print them up on your own. To me, this is no different then Dali's way of saying thank you. The problem Dali ran into, was trusting someone in his late years that didn't have his best interest at heart. They had him sign over rights to his copyrighted works. It was suppose to have been a trust, an the works go to Spain when he passed. But it didn't exactly work out that way. Now, I can only hope to be as good as someone like Dali by the time I pass: But I do worry about what will happen to my works after I'm gone. I want the works to be in a trust, an my children to benefit from them. No one else. An I want that to be pretty clear. I'm on a lot of online websites. There are arrangements between those sites & myself as an artist to print & sell those works: but they do not own the rights to them. The rights, after I'm gone go to my children. If nothing comes of them, so be it but if something does. It's theirs to be divided up equally. I'd like the unsold artwork kept together. Not divided or fought over. So it can be displayed. They can sell pieces, as long as all three agree to sell. It has to be for a decent price or the original is not worth selling. If they do sell, they have to make it clear to the buyer they, an they alone will always own the copyright of the piece. Only they are legally allowed to profit of it's prints or products. They need to be sure to keep a good digital copy of the prints. So they will always have residual income. If my artwork never makes a cent for them: They've lost nothing. But if it does, it's theirs an theirs alone. With the exception of making sure they give the ten percent to anyone who physically sells one of the pieces. That's my “will” on it. Simple enough. So, why am I thinking about this anyway? A few reasons: I'm getting older for one, an trying to recover from an physical illness: a breast cancer scare. Which I'm not really sure I've beat. I have to go back an get rechecked. I've had asthma attacks. Experienced a lot of sluggishness. Removed myself from any medication that could be causing it an all the doctors can only say for sure is that I do have a thyroid problem going on. The medication for it doesn't seem to be working. I have a great deal of tiredness an it's hard to get motivated. I'm pretty swollen up. My face looks like I've gone ten rounds in a boxing ring. An for most part feels like it some days. I'm not whining: I'm alive. Thankful for that. Slowly, I'm recovering from whatever is really physically going on with me. I feel better then I did a year ago. While I'm tired, it's no where near the level it was a year ago. It's not pure exhaustion. An some people are just going to have to accept that. An the fact, that their behavior wasn't so hot. Not that I'm perfect. Because I'm not but when your seriously ill probably isn't the time to pick on someone. The only plus side of it is that people really do show you their true colors during a time period when you can't really fend for yourself. My oldest child wasn't there for me at all. She was to stuck on what I did wrong as parent to be. My son tried to be but verbally abused me up one side an down the other. The youngest was just getting kept away from me. An the others, well is the reason I'm writing this. When your sick, you really don't want people around you who will try to take advantage. It's really easy to “kick” someone when they are down. Your pretty vulnerable to whatever whim some get on. Defenseless. An you can forgive some of it, but not all of it. During it, your kinda well: They don't know. They don't understand. An well, they are the ones that have to live with it. It'll be their regret if ya actually kill over dead. My kids, I can easily forgive. Others, I'm struggling to because it's the same shitty manipulative behavior. The kind that picks you over before you're even dead. So I write this to protect my kids from it in the future. I'm human. I'm gonna die someday an people attacking me, my life, my character when Im ill it isn't going to change the life I lived. I won't have them rewriting my whole life to fit their needs. They weren't apart of my life for the most part a majority of it. So they don't get to say, she was this or that. They don't know me, an they still didn't get to know me. An it's their loss. But I won't let it be my kids. Dali, wasn't perfect. The man painted abstract pictures of masturbation in a time period that you didn't even talk about sex. His father wouldn't even speak to him after a certain point in his life. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to his art career. He no longer sat around trying to please someone he couldn't please. He focused on what he should have been: His art. If he sat around dwelling on OMG what's my family going to say: We might never have got to see all the wonderful things he produced. An I can't either just because four people I'm related to don't like me or afraid of what I might put out there. Dali's dad refused to speak to him an life got nothing but better for Dali. He left the small local scene, an grew into a international artist. Bigger then he would have ever been if he let his dad's approval or disapproval of his artwork have the last say. He might have censored it. Demanded Dali do something else. Behave differently. Ect. I myself can say, my son probably needs to rain himself in a little on social media. But I won't. It's his choice how he expresses himself an has to live with it. I don't always agree with what he is posting but I won't interfere with someones right to free speak. All I can do as his mother is say: That's probably not the best way to show the world who you are. It might come back an bite you in the ass. But for all I know it could be the right way for him. It might get him where he wants to be, doubtful but maybe. You never know. Dali didn't have kids. I doubt if he had he would have ever had to listen to he was a bad parent for going to work in his studio. I have. My “studio” just happened to be in my home office. Just because they couldn't see the artwork didn't make it any less real. Just because I can't display the 5000+ photo shoots I've done doesn't mean they weren't real work either. It's like saying my father never worked because he operated soly out of his house to do his work. Framing an rentals are home businesses. They are family businesses. My daycare was out of my house. Dealing with people that run on you for that is annoying. They will treat you like your just sitting around eating bon bons doing nothing with your time. Even if you built a empire doing it. So I really don't have a lot of use for the few that didn't understand it an went on in the backgrounds of my childrens lives telling them I was neglecting them. This would be like someone saying my grandmother did because she was watching her children and hoeing a cotton field at the same time. She was working & mothering at the same time. To some it might have been seemed better if she just went to a factory job an didn't take them with. That is only because some can't wrap their minds around the concept of: Yes some of us took our kids to work with them. I'd took them to the gas station I managed if I could as well. In fact I did one day, take my son to work with me a few hours: Just so he could learn about what it is I did all day. I'd bring my daughter an her friends up to the studio all day too once in a while. So they got: I'm not ignoring you. I'm actually working. The only place I wouldn't take them much to was the bar. Unless it was daylight, a family meal or gathering: I saw no reason for them to be in it. Parents have to work to support their children. My children saw me work. All of it might not been as successful as I'd like it to be but I was working. They also saw me studying a lot. Going to college. Am I a bad parent for that too? The only time my kids where not with me, they where with my grandmother or another adult supervising in my home. I didn't like the Latch & Key way I was raised. I went way out of my way not to mommy by telephone. I was also home with them. They might not have had my full attention constantly but I was there for them if they needed me. It was no different then if I had taken them to a job with me. Its no different then me working on a painting in my own home. Mine just happened to be on the computer a lot. An they could not always see what I was doing. Nor could the person(s) that constantly runs me down for it. Just because everyone else was only online to socialized didn't mean I was. So right now, I will apologize to my kids for being a space cadet. I don't mind saying, I was distracted. Or that I usually had ten things going on at once. No different then if I had took them to my gas station management job. I would have had to watch them, an do my job: but I did pay attention to you more then I was growing up. A lot more. An someday, my kids will have kids of their own an understand just how hard it is to raise children an work. They may choose to put their kids in daycare while they work. I choose not to most of it. I'm not the only one that choose to parent this way. It made me working harder. But I didn't complain about having a kid stuck to my leg 24-7. I choose to have you. I wanted you an I raised each one of you best I could with you with me as much as possible. Being a single mother is a hard task. An I am forever grateful to my grandmother for co parenting with me. She didn't have to. An I didn't make her. A good chunk of the time, she'd insist the kids come up to her house wither they really needed to or I wanted her to. What I am not grateful for is the constant criticism of me parenting all during it. Or someone interfering an robbing my youngest of years with me based on me living in a house they sold me or me being ill. It's not fair to her. It never will be. An I don't care what someone who has always only worked for another has to say about it. By all means yes, it certainly is easier. I get that, but it never leads to any great accomplishments in life either. Some don't get what it means to own your own business, successful or not. An you never had three kids teetered to you all through you work day either. I literally use to breastfed my youngest while sitting at the computer working on something. My son sat next to me all day long playing, napping or learning to crawl as I learned HTML. I was there for every diaper change, burp or gas movement for each one of them. Even if it meant I had to stop what I was programming, drawing or studying in college to attend them. An tell ya truth, it was no different then when I was a teen working or doing artwork around my little sisters needs. I wasn't a phone call away. I was there. If my kids are mad at me about it, it's because someone has been putting it in their head that it was wrong. An that's all they do, is go on about how “wrong” I am. Even though, I flat out told one of them I'm thinking about writing a book an they stated “You should.” then play victim when I start. How do you think Dali's career would have went had he listened to his Dad? I can tell you from personal experience not so damn hot. He would have stayed local. He never would have meet the people in the surrealist movement an probably never seen the wax museum that so influenced his art. An Dali sold so well, not only because he had great art but because people all over talked about him. He stirred up controversy. He was known for it. It helped him establish himself as a household name. So let the “haters” hate. Let them talk. No one remembers who talked about Dali, or even much of what they had to say about him. They remember Dali thou, an his art. An that's what I would like my children to understand. I'm not doing this or that to hurt someone. I just don't need that someones approval or they few using you to get at me. It won't work. I'll just take more pictures, paint more murals an put out more content. You don't have to like it, but maybe someday I'll have a real Legecy to really leave you. Then you might understand. An if not, I'm sorry but your grown adults: An I like to think I've taught you all to think for yourselves. Dali did, an I don't think hes a bad example to follow. Tons said he was crazy too an whether he was or not. He wasn't really, he just really got okay with putting himself out there. Which, back in the day was unheard of, specially topics he covered. Because back in the day, you didn't even talk about sex let alone admit to masturbation. He shocked many not accustomed to a culture where nudism on he beach was normal. That didn't make him crazy. It just gave him the ability to have others question the status quo of their own cultures. It didn't make him crazy. It really just boiled down to being raised differently then anothers culture. I don't regret the way I raised my children. When I was 8,9, 10 years old, my grandmother use to paint all day watching me & my sister. I have found memories of being with her while she did. She would even let me paint, or dabble in whatever as well. She'd hand me the book she was learning from, an have a go at it myself. I still have those books.I'd watch Bob Ross with her, totally enjoying learning something new. An she would take me along with her to her sisters house who was a farmer, an artist herself. Her sister got into it even more, with her husband building picture frames an selling at art shows. I enjoyed that part of my upbringing. I thought nothing of buying my daughter a barbie computer, with preschool software to learn her ABCS. She could work on hers, while I worked on mine. An that was pretty strange to some folks too. Letting a three year old get on the computer an play. But I did. I made sure my son had a hot wheels computer an could enjoy it just as much as I did. My oldest started to hate on the computer, bored with it: I reintroduced into it being like a library because she loved to read. I made sure each kid had one, so they could explore their passions: Even if it was just Everquest. An I let my youngest get on social media, as long as she was safe about it. I'd take the time to check on her account. Who was on it, why they where an how she knew them. My kids run computers better then most adults. A skill needed in this day an age an if they ever wanted a career in it they could have it. Easily. My nephews in college for it right now. Learning exact same stuff I went to college for. When he was little, he use to play on my sons. An I don't regret teaching any of them a little bit about computers. Or what it was, I was trying to do for work. The kids get it better then most adults around me. Because they grew up playing games with artwork on computer screens. And none of them might not ever go down the arts bunny hole I have but if they do: It's certainly okay with me. This is where the future is going. An I won't apologize for teaching my kids about it. Or working. Or working from home. Wanting to own your own business. Or Art. An someday, they are going to look back at it an go: Yea, that really wasn't all that bad of her. But Dali didn't have kids, or a computer...but he did have one other thing I have: A admiration for Disney. He didn't work for Walt even though he wanted to. He ended up in the Twilight Zone instead an I don't much mind going there myself. Crazy, not crazy: As my grandma would say to me: “Who gives a shit” “Just do at least one thing a day an it will add up to something” OH! and...“Practice” AND “Stop giving a shit what other people think” Best advice ever! Given from one artist to another. If your an artist, an on social media because you have to be: take a primer out of Dali's life. Don't worry about your families/”friends” approval. They aren't your buyers anyway. If you are worried about their approval all your gonna end up doing is painting flowers. Because flowers are about the only thing you can do artistically that doesn't offend someone. An the weather is about the only thing you can write about that doesn't piss someone off. Even then, you'll have a few haters. Focus on who encourages you. Not the ones who don't. An you'll find a lot more love, then hate. An for all you know, your hater could end up jump starting your career. Dali's dad certainly did his.  Help. Charity. Supporting another an what do those things truly mean? I'm thinking about my grandmother a lot this year an various others that have truly helped me in my life time. My grandmother was big on helping people. She musta had a lot of Virgo in her or something. I'm not exactly ready to write about her. She was a big part of my life, so she's going to come up. She helped me a lot, but I helped her. When she passed I walked into the bar to my dads girlfriend saying to him, well I'm there for you. With him just looking at me with tears in his eyes: She don't get it. Was all he'd say. Hoping I could explain it to her. Thing is, I'm not sure I can either without writing a full book just on her, an the topics of help, charity and supporting someone. Many think it was the finical back up an support that is missed about her. While that was nice to know you had someone in your corner if you really need it. That wasn't it. It was the emotional support. The girlfriend was kinda well what am I dog shit? An me & my dad kinda laughed. Well, no of course you aren't. She was just different. An it's hard to explain. The woman had a way of being supportive of you even if she wanted to kick your ass. It's the best way I can put it I think. She was emotionally there for you. Even if she didn't believe in your dream or agree with you on something. She might have wanted to rip her hair out or eyeballs at times but she'd work though it with ya. You never really had to question if she'd be there for ya. She was a rock. You could be all over the place emotionally about something, an she'd get ya though it. She had great listening skills. Help. Charity. Supporting another an what do those things truly mean? I'm thinking about my grandmother a lot this year an various others that have truly helped me in my life time. My grandmother was big on helping people. She musta had a lot of Virgo in her or something. I'm not exactly ready to write about her. She was a big part of my life, so she's going to come up. She helped me a lot, but I helped her. When she passed I walked into the bar to my dads girlfriend saying to him, well I'm there for you. With him just looking at me with tears in his eyes: She don't get it. Was all he'd say. Hoping I could explain it to her. Thing is, I'm not sure I can either without writing a full book just on her, an the topics of help, charity and supporting someone. Many think it was the finical back up an support that is missed about her. While that was nice to know you had someone in your corner if you really need it. That wasn't it. It was the emotional support. The girlfriend was kinda well what am I dog shit? An me & my dad kinda laughed. Well, no of course you aren't. She was just different. An it's hard to explain. The woman had a way of being supportive of you even if she wanted to kick your ass. It's the best way I can put it I think. She was emotionally there for you. Even if she didn't believe in your dream or agree with you on something. She might have wanted to rip her hair out or eyeballs at times but she'd work though it with ya. You never really had to question if she'd be there for ya. She was a rock. You could be all over the place emotionally about something, an she'd get ya though it. She had great listening skills. An sometimes that's all a person needs: is a sounding board. For the most part you could talk to her about anything. Now, I'm pretty sure she'd put the phone down on the counter an let you ramble at times, or do something else while you went on but she listened. Even if she didn't like a damn thing you where saying. An not a lot of people have that ability: To listen. She'd listen, then usually offer up some sound advice. She had the ability to make someone feel heard. She was really good with children because of it. She was just there for you. I really don't know how else to put it. She was not just there for you with words, but with actions. Her deeds an words matched. You knew you could count on her. Where with others it's questionable. They maybe, they may not. An everyone needs someone like that in their life. Dependable. Support isn't always about financial. There is mental & emotional support. An the later is invaluable. Having someone you can truly communicate with all through out your life is a rare find. She is one of the few people I can say was supportive. She was well rounded. She didn't take your shit personally either. If it was your hang up, she knew it an didn't beat ya over the head for having it. She was accepting of who a person was. Even if she didn't like it. She would accept you for who you where an try to help you be the best person you could be. For the most part her support was invaluable. Priceless. It had nothing to do with money. Someone can throw all the money in the world at ya an it not be enough. But to have someone help you get at the root of why you do whatcha doing, help you be the best version of yourself you cam be an just listen is sometimes all ya need. She was a problem solver. Someone you could bounce things off of. An I guess I learned I needed that kinda of support way more then money. Someone I could communicate with. Someone that could stimulate your brain. So these are the types of people I've looked for. The internet was perfect for me: I could have these types of conversations an interact with others that where more cerebral. Not just nerds per say, but people who I could just have a decent conversation with or tell my problems to. An them me. Social sites use to be set up perfectly for this. I didn't hang out in sex rooms or very places where real conversations weren't happening. I'd hang out in mommy rooms, talk to girlfriends an was around spiritual rooms a lot. I got what I needed out of it: Mental & emotional support. Conversation. Inspiration. Ideas. Encouragement. I didn't have people around me that where non-supportive. It was easier to pursue creative outlets. I'd show something I did. They'd give me the merits of it. Good bad critiques etc. I had a support system that worked for me. Even if I didn't know these people in real life, they gave me much needed support to keep learning, growing, improving creatively. They supported my creative endeavors. Much like my grandmother would. They didn't always like everything I did, but I was still encouraged. I could be myself. Encourage is the key word there. That is what my grandmother gave all of us my dad was trying to articulate. It means to instill confidence or hope to someone. To cheer, uplift, inspire, motivate, stimulate, promote: hearten. Reassure. Comfort. Pep up. Stir up. Fire up. Understand. Helpful. An it is really helpful to have someone like that in your life: Who goes: You can do it. Just set your mind to it. She said that a lot to me. Since she's been gone it's been sorely missed. An I've thought a lot about what support, help and charity really mean. Yes, it's nice to have someone back you up financially but it's that other kinda help people truly need. The kind that doesn't have a price tag attached to it. That is just priceless, given freely with no expectation of return one way or another. It's like having a life coach in your life without the fee. It didn't matter she knew little to nothing about the internet, digital arts or computers. She still was my backbone. An his. An that's what he was trying to convey. To her he was trying to say: You might give me a lot of what she does in way of support: but a backbone is a totally different concept. I can't explain to you how she did it. She just did. An she didn't get the credit she deserved because it's hard to even explain. That was all he was trying to say. I don't get my backbone from you. I get/got that from her. He was saying he lost his because she passed. Most of my life, I've made it point to seek people out that are like that. Supportive. They are like looking for a needle in a haystack. I had those types around me a lot on the internet up until the last few years. They weren't her, like he said but I still got the same kind of nurturing from them. That's support to me. Money and material support will come an go, but that kinda of support is so precious that its value cannot be determined. It backs you up in everything you do or want to be. It's worth more. It's intangible. An I know plenty, that really held grudges against grandma cause she was this way. What's the big deal about her anyway? She's just your mother, or your grandma. Your too close to her, ect. She has to much influence on you. Ect. Why? Because she gave something of herself to few others never learn to give. Or can even perceive. It's why so many in her family are successful, even if they don't get it themselves. She instilled a backbone. Confidence. The people I had around me online in social networks gave me a similar kind of support. I never had to fear putting any kind of artwork out there before. My network didn't attack me. It supported me but moving to Facebook was a drastic change for a lot of us. Suddenly, people out there in real life where connecting An I have to tell you, it hasn't been the same for me since. Mixing internet friends an people in my “real” life was not good for me. My internet friends judged them, an they judged my internet friends. An I finally just got fed up with balancing the two an deleted everyone but my kids. I stopped putting out artwork on the internet. I stopped writing. I stopped a lot of things. I literally uprooted my ass an even went to work in another town just to get away from how non-supportive my “real life” network can be. I went an found me a totally different one at work, surrounding myself with people who where supportive of my creative endeavors. Who where not associated with either network. Online or off. Very few people in my real life even knew where I was at. Or what I was doing.Suddenly, people out there in real life where connecting An I have to tell you, it hasn't been the same for me since. Mixing internet friends an people in my “real” life was not good for me. My internet friends judged them, an they judged my internet friends. An I finally just got fed up with balancing the two an deleted everyone but my kids. I stopped putting out artwork on the internet. I stopped writing. I stopped a lot of things. I literally uprooted my ass an even went to work in another town just to get away from how non-supportive my “real life” network can be. I went an found me a totally different one at work, surrounding myself with people who where supportive of my creative endeavors. Who where not associated with either network. Online or off. Very few people in my real life even knew where I was at. Or what I was doing. An I like it better that way because I don't get non supportive backlash. Or calls judging what I wrote screaming at me to “take it down”. All I would get before was: You might want to check that for typos. Or that was inspiring, or you might want to work on that idea a little more. Or this is how it could be better. Or have you thought about this? You know ENCOURAGEMENT. I didn't get ignored, rejected stalked or threatened. I got honest feedback. I love it. I hate it. Or in that newer network worst that would happen is: Can we do it over? I never got be rated for using my creativity. Or for working on it. An it's sad that one literally has to unplug from something they have been apart of from the very beginnings of because these supposed “real life people” can be so NON-Supportive. I had to go find me another customer base all together because of it. A totally different network: Start completely over from scratch in place where no one knew me or my name just because of it. Not because I was doing anything wrong. Some of these folks that supposedly where helping me: Don't help.An I like it better that way because I don't get non supportive backlash. Or calls judging what I wrote screaming at me to “take it down”. All I would get before was: You might want to check that for typos. Or that was inspiring, or you might want to work on that idea a little more. Or this is how it could be better. Or have you thought about this? You know ENCOURAGEMENT. I didn't get ignored, rejected stalked or threatened. I got honest feedback. I love it. I hate it. Or in that newer network worst that would happen is: Can we do it over? I never got be rated for using my creativity. Or for working on it. An it's sad that one literally has to unplug from something they have been apart of from the very beginnings of because these supposed “real life people” can be so NON-Supportive. I had to go find me another customer base all together because of it. A totally different network: Start completely over from scratch in place where no one knew me or my name just because of it. Not because I was doing anything wrong. Some of these folks that supposedly where helping me: Don't help. An what's that mean anyway? To help. The dictionary defines it to assist. To give aid. To serve. Make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources. Strangers have helped me more over the years then most of the people in my real life: People that are supposedly close to me. There's usually a no strings kinda of attachment to help. Nothing in it for them either way. That's why my grandmothers help was always helpful. She didn't really get anything out of it other then knowing she was there for someone. The perfect example of help, that I can come up with is this one time I had forgotten to renew my drivers license. A guy I barely knew offered to take me down to the drivers bureau to renew it. He didn't ask for money, or bang over my head he was helping me: He just offered me the ride he knew I needed an was important to my well being and did it. He didn't even need a thank you, but I was thankful an thanked him. It was that simple. I wound up in the same situation few years later, cause I'm a space cadet. It's something I space off. Anyway, I didn't have other people around me to ask for a favor to do something so minor. I had to ask those “close” to me to take me an it was nothing but this big over blown deal. Guess what? Those “real life” people didn't help. For one reason or another it took over a month for me to get down to renew the thing because they kept saying they would help or where helping. An it was my son, that finally got fed up with all of it that took me. He had to skip school to do it but he helped. An there was a weight on me added to it for needing the “help”. He shouldn't have had to miss his morning classes but no one else “close to us” was going to do it. An it was important. These people would go on an on about how they where “helping me”. An I should be grateful. An this, an that an then you are kinda like: An they wonder why I'm not grateful. Any kind of “help” you get from them is nothing but a emotional pain in the ass. They treat you like their charity case. I don't really know anyone that likes that kind of “help”. Or responds well to that. The man that helped me first time I forgot really gave charity. He asked for nothing in return. An I was grateful for it. The others aren't helpful. They spend too much time going on about what they are doing for you to be helpful. Making someone feel like shit, or less then they are is NOT HELPFUL. I've never known my grandmother to be that way. She never pounded over my head, I'm helping you. She didn't need to. Anymore then that stranger did. An for these kind of people you are grateful. They inspire you. In some ways I was my grandmothers charity case: but she was charitable in an emotional way. People think she gave me more financially then she ever really did. She helped me in other ways more then anything. She helped me raise my kids for one. I paid her back financially more then I ever borrowed from her for this exact reason. Her major resource wasn't money, but the investing of time in someone. She didn't treat me like her personal project either. When she gave of her resources be it time, money or what knot it was because she wanted to. An I find it much easier to go get “help” from someone who wants to then someone who doesn't. An the truth is, I've never needed tons of help anyway. I tend to do like she did an help others without making a big deal out of it. I see no reason to toot my own horn about it. Someone “close” to me said: that's your problem an you always get screwed because of it. Not really. The resources I might give another are never more then I can afford to give or loose to begin with normally. They are usually intangible. Things you can't really repay even if you wanted to. That's the kind of help I found helpful. Anyone really not interested in helping themselves usually miss the point of mine or her's existence anyway. A resources isn't always material. Or financial. There are other kind of assets to have in this world, you can't put a price tag on: Like a network of people around you who won't or doesn’t sabotage your life. I've done a lot of Charity work in my life, that never involved me spending a dime. Or loosing one. Giving relief to someone in need is Charity. It's philanthropy, humanitarianism, humanity, altruism, public-spiritedness, social conscience, benevolence, beneficence, munificence. It doesn't always involve financial assistance, aid, welfare, relief, financial relief; handouts, gifts, and presents. It can, but it's the spirit in which it is given that makes it true charity or not. There is a difference between it an someone giving you a loan. Or exchanging resources with you. True charity expects nothing in return except the knowledge you did something good. It's given in the right spirit. That is it's own reward. It's the desire to promote the welfare of others. It's not just the quality of meaning well, but of kindness doing so. There are plenty of people around who will do things for you meaning well, but they are not always kind going about doing it. Some are just down right cruel when they “help” others. No, charity is something else: It's kindheartedness, big-heartedness, goodness,and goodwill towards the ones your doing it for. Not pity or sympathy but empathy. Sensitivity. Warmth. Tenderness. Tolerance & Mercy. It holds only compassion. These are the things my grandmother was good at. She was a enabler in the best sort of ways. An the kind of people I prefer to be around. Truly Supportive.  I like Astrology. It helps me take something someone does or say a lot less personally. Not everyone believes in it, usually people who don't follow it with any depth. An it's interesting to me that there is another Dana Haynes that is a full time astrologer. For me it's just a personal hobby of mine that helps me get out of myself, an personal feelings. It helps me see my life on a much broader scale, so when hurt by another deeply it gets me past it. Its easier to understand, they just can't help being the energy they are. Then they try to understand they did something intentionally to harm me. It helps me hope that they will learn to use the energy within themselves better in the future or might mature into a better version of it at some point in life. The reason I believe in it is because my chart is so dead on. It explains things to me about myself, sometimes after years of trying to understand “Why me?” That always seem to happen to me an no one else around me. It gets me away from the poor me's and reminds me of what I experienced God to be: A energy light force. See, I had a near death experience. It happened to me when I had my first child during her birth. I asked for Jesus, an I “saw” God. Or what I call God. A cosmic power greater then myself. That calmed me and comforted me during one of the most painful experiences of my life. My child was stuck in my birth canal. At the last second, they cut me from my yin to my yang, removing her as I floated off into darkness, an saw the tunnel of light so many NDE will tell you about. I experienced an over whelming sense of peace: An had a “conversation” with God. Which I saw as a ball of light. Energy. So when it says in Genesis: God made the two larger lights, the sun to rule over the day and the moon to rule over the night; he also made the stars. It's all I really need to read of the bible to “get it”. God is a “power” source of energy. An that's the best way I know to explain what I experienced. It's in the stars, the moon an sun. The universe. A energy source that influences us: Our lives. An I see it as pretty much up to us how we handle those gifts we have been given. Our charts are just like maps through the cosmos: With unique energy stamps by God or whatever you view as God. An it's up to us to learn how to deal with the lot that's been given us. We can bring out the best or worse of ourselves. An whether it's good or bad is kinda just up to us an how we choose to “see it”. To me taking a “higher” perspective on it, takes me out of myself to rise above the emotional pain others sometimes inflict on me and my life. I have a aspect in my chart: Moon sextile Neptune that seem to come around a lot. Or at least make it's mark on my life. Some call it a daydreamer aspect. It walks hand in hand with being artistic and empathic. I attribute the NDE to understanding it better is all. With my recent health scare: It's influence on me is what has me wanting to right a book as well. So my children, more then anyone understand me: Because they don't. An to me, it's important that they do because I don't particularly like being told I'm crazy when I'm physically ill. I recently went through a breast cancer scare that shut my whole life down. They and others around us: me & my kids: did not handle it well at all. People I have never had much in my life to do with since I left home in the first place. It put me in father harms way. An the situation got worse instead of better. I do not trust these folks with my life. I never have. They are abusive and I know it. So, there is a deep need in me to explain this to my kids, so it doesn't happen again. I'm aging an my care will be in there hands: So they should understand why I'm doing something, they don't get. It doesn't make me crazy. It makes me able to survive harsh conditions. I see it as the mind being a powerful thing. Will to overcome. Anyway, the just of it is: I was working at Lifetouch doing traveling photography. Doing so requires packing and unpacking the studio equipment. I've never had a issue lifting that kinda light weight equipment but noticed it was becoming a strain on me. One I never had before, an I was more tied then normal. I chalked it up to I had pulled something coupled with just stressed an not sleeping well. I had a numb pain that didn't go away. After a few months of this: my breast was swelling up some. Again I just thought I had pulled something. Then, there was some abnormal discharge. I so didn't want to think the worst: I talked myself into believing it was just going though menopause. It'll pass I'd think. But the tiredness didn't. I was just struggling in a way I never had before. My energy level has always been high. I could do sixteen hour days normally dancing on my heels. Not worrying about it. Just get some sleep and I'd be good as new. But that wasn't working. It lead to me not being able to perform as well at work. My sales where lower then they normally where, which caused financial problems. I was barely able to keep my phone on, then my truck broke down an I didn't have the money to cover it to keep working. I left the job. I didn't have much of choice. I was physically, emotionally and financially exhausted. I was just too tired to care. It was depressing as well but I figured I'd get some rest an then get it all straightened out with Lifetouch or find a different photography job. What ended up happening because I was sick and I got myself stuck. I had been living paycheck to paycheck. Normally, I'd have something in the bank for an emergency. This time I didn't. My utilities got shut off. My food supply dwindled. All I needed was a ride to get food stamps, a way to shower a job close by to pay the bills because my transportation wasn't running. That way I could get it fixed, get back a hold of Lifetouch an go back to my normal job. That didn't happen. What happened is I ended up eating a bag of Masa trying to stay alive while all these “helpful” people I didn't trust sat around an called me crazy instead of taking me to get food stamps an a medical card so I would be okay. Instead they'd drop in, take me out to lunch once a month an tell my kids I was nuts and need to be in a mental institution. My kids are grown. They don't live with me any longer, an alarm bells went off for them. They didn't have the money to even really get up to my house, let alone feed me. My son finally did bring me some food, a phone to apply for benefits so I could get out of this mess I was in. By that time, I was hallucinating from starvation. These “helpful” people put me through this shit for about six months. An since I was hallucinating my kids listened to them an put me in a metal ward. Which I resent the fuck out of. Some of these same people had taken a good chunk of my inheritance so I was pissed. I would not have been in that situation if I had not let them take it. So not only was I dealing with a breast cancer scare an starving I was now in a MAJOR depression about how it was being handled by people I don't trust and never will. I ended up stuck in that shit hole for 45 days until my benefits kicked in. I’m not paranoid. They have done things to me they shouldn’t have. An the people who did me wrong, who took a lot of my financial security away from me got to pat themselves on the back about what good people they where. They kept threatening to “report me” or have me recommitted the whole time I was trying to get to the bottom of what was really physically wrong with me an get back on my feet. They felt justified in taking my daughter away a year earlier for no reason what so ever. A situation I only agreed to let her live in so she didn't have to switch high schools because I was traveling an had moved out of that school district. So she could live in the lifestyle I would have been able to afford had they not fucked me over to begin with. I'm a pretty generous person. An didn't have a problem with letting them have what was just as much mine as theirs until that. In fact I wished them well. But the resentment goes deep because this is how they did my grandmother when she was sick with cancer, an my dad who died of a heart attack. Their help is really no help at all. It's people looking to take advantage of another instead of really helping them. I knew this about them before this even happened. An boy if I thought I resented them for how they treated people I care about back then, I sure as hell do now. I was so frustrated an pissed: I couldn't see straight. An when I get that angry I cry. I cried for 45 days straight. It majorly depressed me to know just how low they'd go. So then I was going through menopause, a breast cancer scare, recovering from starvation an a full on major depression on top of grieving all over again. Hate is a under statement of what I feel for people like this. An it really did point out every major flaw to me in the health care system cause I'm not a homeless person. In fact, I own my own home. Paid off in full. But I certainly know how a homeless person would feel now. I've had three breast monograms since. They gave me a medicine first. In case it was just a infection. It healed some what, an they keep watching it because there is something there. They can't tell me for sure whether it is or not cancer. Back on my feet a little since then, I also take CBD oil for it. Once in a while, I still feel that numb pain there. Best they can tell me is I'm borderline an could be on the verge of it. I'm not as tired as I was. But have had other physical issues since because I was in starvation mode so long. I had three sever asthma attacks an went into the doc to do something about that. They unlike the mental ward, checked for real physical reasons for what's been going on with me. I've had excessive weight gain. Like 20 pounds a month an I found out my Thyroid has gone ape shit as well. Physically it's hard for me to do the photography job like I once did. But it's getting better day by day. I'm struggling in ways I never have before: but not mentally. I had a physios from not eating. My body maybe trying to still heal that by putting on the weight: But I'm not nor have I ever been crazy. Only a very abusive person would go there or try to drive you there instead of getting you the help you really needed. The very same people threaten to be around me an refuse to “help me” if I'm not on my “mental” shot. A shot I took for a year to appease the assholes so I could see my daughter. That has been causing some of the physical problems I'm having. I say, good fucking residence since I never needed that kinda help to begin with. The problem is: People will accuse you of what they are. Which leads me back to the point I was talking about. This Moon Neptune influence I have in my chart. It's very daydreamer influence of energy in your life. It also can put you out on another wave length. You can get completely lost in your imagination. It's very empathic. It can gives a profound sense of merging within relationships. If your parent is emotionally stunted, dysfunctional or possibly mental ill or your living with someone with a sever mood disorder like I did growing up it can lead you into relationships where you end up taking care of them instead of yourself. Which I did a lot of as child, even have as in adult hood others where more then a little off upstairs. I was mentally alright, but a lot of people around me in my life have not been. It's in my chart. It's not something I planned for or asked for. Two of my major long term relationship where with people who struggled with mental issues. It doesn't mean I have one. It means I know how to deal with those that do, who aren't abusive about it. Once they cross over into abusive territory saying it's me when it's really them: I'm usually done. Because there is nothing I can do about it. They will always have memory loss from their childhood. Or always struggle with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. An as long as they don't take it out on me I'm fine with being there for that person. But I really had to come to an understanding that their mental conditions where not mine to remain close to them. An in some cases you just can't. No matter how much you love them you can't if they are abusive people. My ex attacked me physically once because of his own issues. One's held a gun up at me. Another always putting her issues off on me so she doesn't have to deal with what's truly “wrong” with her mentally. Being Gaslite ect. You just have to keep your distance emotionally to protect yourself. It's not your issue, it's theirs so I understand my kids not knowing what to do when I was hallucinating from lack of food. An I don't want them to take psychedelics to try to understand it better either. But a part of me is glad I had in my early twenties before I had them. So I could understand it when it happened to me. Hallucinating. That's not a normal state for me. I'm usually very clear headed even when daydreaming. Which I was A LOT during those months. An that's what I want my kids to understand about me. In case it ever happens again or I end up with dementia in old age. I don't want the poor things to think I've lost my marbles when I'm just sitting around thinking about games I played when I was a child. Or a movie, or working on a piece of art in my head. Because during that time while I was sitting around starving to death I was thinking a lot about those things. I thought a lot about my childhood make believe games. True memories I have. It didn't make me crazy, just meant I was focused on something an they didn't understand why under the conditions. I was taking my mind off problems I couldn't do anything about without a ride to get food stamps an a medical card. Once I had food, water and medical attention I got back to the “real world” an stopped thinking about things I watched as a child or games me and my sister would play. It was a mental distraction, more then even a hallucination. I had to think of something else an try to be mentally productive with my time. I didn't have TV or even a radio. No books in the house I hadn't already read. I was bored an the only thing I could do was sit an think about artwork. I sat an thought about photography, Disney an what made a movie so great. Story line. An the imaginary stories I would tell myself as a kid playing make believe. It got me through the day, an in my head I was working on the next mural I'd paint, photo I'd would take or story. An what made something “great” vs just average artwork. It was time well spent in my eyes still to this day. It's not really my fault everyone misunderstood a lot of what I was trying to communicate during that time. They didn't understand where my head was cause I really didn't appear to be bothered by lack of food or utilities. The kids have seen me off in my own world thinking about things before. Even heard me talk about what was on my mind: What they hadn't seen before is it all come out in a jumbled up mess. An me unable to express myself about why I was thinking about something, someone or thing. It was a by product of not eating. I didn't see things that weren't real. Or think I was someone else, despite what was told the mental hospital. I sitting around thinking about what made something so great artwork. So when I came out of this what I considered down time in my life. I could do it. Cause artist study the greats. They always do. The greats study, they observe either to improve on something or come up with something totally original on their own. An what kept coming across to me thinking about all that was: as a kid, my sister played out Beatles Juice almost with the same story line right in front of me. Things we played as children in make believe land, are in some pretty popular movies, films and cartoons. For example there is a day, I was playing in the pool by myself that pieces of could have came right out of Ariel, a Disney film created years after I had played these make believe games by myself in the pool. I thought about how I'd play cowboys an Indians laying awake in my bed at night with stuffed animals with my sister asleep right next to me. She'd be surprised how much I thought of her during that time because we played together so much. An those stories, make believe playing is what I was thinking about because they had good plots. I mean I use to imagine Bugs Bunny was my uncle, an play out by the barn after he left to move up north. I’d pretend that he was still there. As Bugs Bunny. I knew he wasn't back then, just as much as I do now. But I'd still pretend, he was standing near me when I watered the cows saying, “What's Up Doc”. It didn't make me delusional then anymore then it does now. I was just playing like a normal kid. An the plots I had in the story where great material to think about. If they'd make a good cartoon now. Childrens book. Or how could I take that an turn it into a storyline today with a cartoon, or film or something. An to this day, ;my Uncle still reminds me of Bugs Bunny. Not cause he is, but because I had a lot of fun playing he was. Imagination. I have some. It was the make believe story lines we had as children an them being so close to great story lines since then that really had my interest. I literally started sorting though memories of “play time” to see if I could find a storyline, that would work in a painting, book, cartoon or movie. When my kid would come an see me, he didn't understand why I was talking about Bugs Bunny, or James Dean. Who in my mind, reminds me of my grandfather. Who was just as good looking and passed away just as young. You'd have to know, I think about shit like this to even understand what I was talking about at the time cause I was so out of it from not eating. Of course my kids never meet my grandfather he passed when I was four. So, nope they probably aren't going to get the mental association I have with those two. An one of those “helpful” people just went around telling everyone: She's crazy. She thinks grandpa was James Dean. No I do not. I associate the tragedy the same thou. The tragedy of dying too young is how they are similar. The problem I had is I couldn't communicate that because none of them wouldn't take the time to listen to me either. Their incapacity to understand me or my train of thought didn't make me crazy. It made me mad. Who want's a care taker that misinterpret everything you say or mean that really doesn't take care of you but keeps professing they are. You want to help me? Get me some food an shut up for a bit. Hell you might even learn something. Then you might understand something I'm saying instead of assuming you know everything. Maybe my real needs might get meet. So, I spent a lot of time thinking about what made ET great. Or Drew Barrymore. Didn't mean I thought I was her. I was thinking about how she became an actor in that story to being with because she was a child. I was thinking about how children have “magical thinking” when they play. Perfectly healthy thing for them to do, an how its used in some of the centuries best films. I was thinking about being a photographer, how she ended up a cover girl. How'd she go from just a kid to that? To opening her own production company. I was thinking BIG. Studio BIG. How do I go from unemployed photographer to successful production in this day age. Storyline. That's where my mind was at. Not that a damn person around me understood a flyin fuck what I was thinking about waiting for someone to get me some real help. Nor cared. My son finally did help me get a food card an the problem resolved itself. But I have to just tell myself, well Disney went through some of the same shit. Broke, sleeping outside an staring at a mouse in his darkest days. An nobody that didn't do cartoons where going to understand him either. A lot of these “helpful” people who kept trying to chuck me in a mental hospital instead of get my breast looked at aren't artist. Photographers. Digital artist or even a little bit computer suave. I don't expect them to understand I guess why I'm talking about lighting. Or posing. Shit I finally just gave up in the ward: An went in my room and drew an looked at magazines until I could communicate properly again. I pretty much stayed in my room an refused to come out until I got enough food in me. Then showed the doctor my breast. OH! That might be a problem! Ya fucking think? Anyway they released me. I saw a doctor for it, an been trying to recover from it since. But that moon Neptune sextile is what people saw. Me in thought, thinking about shit they didn't understand. Let alone begin to understand why I'd be thinking about it in the first place. Who knows why we fantasize as adults: Neptune. I might have been in a fog from lack of nutrition but I'm not nuts. My minds only thing that kept me sane while I had a lot of people running around me being insane. An the only reason I'm writing this is so my children understand if God forbid I ever do loose it up stairs, at least they will have a clue what I'm talking about. Or daydreaming about it. The land of “make believe” . That’s where good stories come from. Good artwork. Because I'm usually working on something in my head: the next piece of art. An just because I'm thinking about doing something surreal doesn't me I think it's real. Just because I might be thinking about a girl with an umbrella floating in the clouds doesn't mean I think she really can. It means I might be thinking about Mary Poppins or how to convey a feeling or idea. I think pretty abstractly too. In concepts. In storyline. In pictures. An plot.......an how can I turn this into something great. So hopefully by the end of reading this, they or you an others understand. Just because you don't understand something doesn't make that person crazy. It just might mean you aren't thinking on the level they are not capable of. An I have known that all my life. It doesn't make me or you crazy. It just might mean your stupid. At least in my eyes, if you don't bother to at least try to understand where another person is coming from. An just because I didn't have the means to defend myself financially doesn't make it so either. People get sick. An my family is terrible at dealing with real physical sickness. For some odd reason it seems easier for them to believe its just in there heads then actually confront someone maybe really sick and could possibly die. They can live in denial someone is very ill a long time. An ignore it til the persons dead. An I obviously kinda like living, so it's important to me my kids get that. The first things you check is for a physical problem. To me, that seems obvious. But I apparently have to write a three page note on the topic because some don't. An others will take a bad situation an make it worse ever single time to make themselves feel better about themselves. I really don't know what I'm gonna do into old age. Up until the last few years, I never had to worry about my health. It's been pretty good other then gallstones from stress and dealing with people like this my whole life. Each time I've had to go to the hospital for routine things: like childbirth and minor surgeries I've had to put someone outside of my family in charge of my healthcare. Basically because they don't make good decisions regarding me. I've known that since my first NDE. An even more so when they where taking things away from me while I had a simple gallstone surgery. Not all are to blame. They just don't make sound choices when it comes to me or my health. They all suddenly think they are doctors when they are not. An I can't think of one thing more frustrating to me when I'm sick then dealing with their “help” then that. I really don't like being bothered when I'm ill. I generally want to be left alone to heal. An at some point in my life, I am going to need someone in my life that can care for me the way I need. Not just me take care of others. It's just something we all go through aging. Knowing I don't have anyone like that, or my kids aren't going to be very good at it. Is scarey. A lot more scarey to me then actually passing over. So I'm praying my death won't be any long term disease. That when I do die, its quick and peaceful. Not some long drawn out thing that subjects me to a bunch of annoying stuff. Like picking me over before I'm even dead. Which I don't think my kids would do, but know others would them. I have friends that wouldn't let it happen if they knew I was being done that way. But when your ill, your not particularly social. So I don't know what I'm gonna do, except take out a restraining order when the time comes just to keep some people away from me. So if I am that ill, I can at least die in peace. It's not a current problem. I seem to be in recovery. But I'm like my grandmother, an I'd rather my life be in order when my time comes. It does for all of us. An hopefully, I still have enough time an good health to get some of the stuff inside my head out into a piece of work. So, my children benefit. There's still a lot of good stuff rolling around in there. Thanks to that moon, Neptune aspect in my chart. This is just some of the ways it can manifest in your life. I like to think I have just gotten to a point in my life I could create something great with it. Now that the children are grown I have time to do them. I have a painting in mind I can visualize. A few I can't but will work on. Photography I still have yet to do and a lot of digital stuff I want to attempt. A few toons in the thought process an a story or two I'm might get around to telling. Maybe one about my life, another about learning photography. Another about being an artist to begin with. Maybe something fictional. If nothing else a few children's books I can illustrate for my grandson. So much I want to do, that I don't know if I'd get it all done by the time I was 80. So dying isn't an option for me yet. I wasn’t suicidal then, but they told people I was. The only choice I have is to get better so I can get it all done. An hopefully teach my children how to deal with me if I'm ill. Cuz I'm not dead yet. Don't take it personally but I've got shit to do. That doesn't include dealing with bullshit. The only bullshit I enjoy is figuring out how to create something this way or that. And Neptune is all about the imaginative and creation. How to take something from out of your mind into the real world. It can be a very creative aspect in your chart, or artist bent. So I really can't help the energy it causes in my life. I don't take it to personally, like others would. It's either gonna manifest itself as a nuttier around me or in some artwork I do. I prefer the later. I'm not crazy, just surrounded by an energy that can manifest itself that way. An this is why I like astrology. It makes it so much easier to understand an see the good side of. It’s a very artistic dreamy influence. You can get lost in the thought process. Daydreaming if your not artistic or have an outlet for it. If I didn't get that energy around me: It would surely manifest as something totally frustrating to deal with and balance out in your life. I'd just be stuck in a constant state of daydreaming an never getting anything useful out of it. I'd take other peoples insanity personally. I wouldn't understand others motives, emotional issues or mental hang ups. Without astrology explaining the influence of Neptune energy in my life: I probably would go mad. Or be pissed off all the time. But it put it in proper context. It's not personal. Just a energy in my life. So when others start behaving irrationally around me. At least something productive comes out of it. It might be just a daydream to some: but it helps me visualize something before creating something good. What more could an artist ask for? It's divine inspiration. It's like living with a story board going on in your head at all times. Trick is getting it out of your head into some sort of art form. Not just caught in a daze. An if that's crazy, then so was DaVinci, Michael Angelo, Disney an a bunch of other people at Pixar are. I am perfectly fine with that. So you know what I want: If I ever do just get completely out of it: My kid to come up an draw or paint what I'm talking about. Listen. Or hand me some art supplies or something. A pencil, piece of paper. Anything, to create with. Cause chances are no matter how sick I get I'll still be able to do that. While they figure out what's really wrong with me. It’s not gonna be a head problem, but physical cause.An if they can't find it at least I'll still be happy, while I heal. Neptunes a really peaceful healing energy too. It's the perfect state to put yourself in to get better. Great for concentration. It helps one focus on something. Even if ya don't get why they are. To me it's just all about the creative process. To others, apparently looks insane or obsessive who have never done any kind of art. Who don't think like that an artist. Artist usually walk through the creative process in their heads before they put it all togather in some format or piece of work. It’s not a bad skill to have. So please keep me away from people who don't know anything about art: They are annoying & depressing. And having a hour once a week in their therapy groups don't make then any less agitating. I don't want to be drugged or strung out on some pills just cause they don't get it. Or me. That is their problem. Not mine. An don’t make it mine. Not all artist have some brain disorder. It pisses me off to no end, that romantic notion some have that we are all just tortured souls with some chemical imbalance. We are not. We just have a drive most don't. An it's the world not understanding that drive that depresses most of us. Or their lack of appreciation it. I don't want to die broke cause most are to cheap to pay an artist fair wages for their work. Or that it takes ten years sometimes to create something worthy. And it has at times took me ten years to get one painting done before. Other times, few hours or days. Do you have a clue how frustrating that is? Probably not, unless your in the art field. Most don't get the time investment involved in a piece of quality art. They just like the end results. They don't want to understand the details of what all it takes to make something great. Ill tell ya what being a good artist it like: It's like fighting with a clock your whole damn life. Trying to get something out of you, you know you've got in you to be done. It takes time to learn all those skills. An you will practice on the most mundane things over an over again just to learn how to do the details of something. An even then you might not have it right down to your perfections. It's difficult to be one: an artist. Not because of art, but because the way the world treats most artist. I didn't take kindly to being put in a metal institution because of it either. It was inappropriate, uncalled for an a misguided. An this a nice way of saying “F” you about the whole thing. There are millions of artistic people who are not insane. We all have Neptune somewhere in our chart. It doesn't make the whole world crazy. But Astrology will help you take it a lot less personally when others are calling you that. I'm pretty much writing this because my Neptune-Moon aspect does take it personally. It’s very empathic. I have to remind myself it's not. Even if others where trying to intrude on boundaries set in the name of “helping me”. Cause it likes to blend boundries. An somethings you just don’t want to “blend with”. It's just a energy. Use it for art, it’s the best way to. PS: I didn’t have time to edit this for typos  So what's next? Organizing my artistic space I think. I don't have the room to operate the photography studio the way my home is set up. So, that's on the agenda. I've done hospital newborn photography the last year, an sorta become burnt out on it because I haven't been able to do the newborn portraits I've longed to do. With a newborn grandson on the way, that's going to change. So I'm thinking of rearranging space in my home an converting the front area into a full blown private photography studio. But kinda unsure, what I'm going to do with my stuff in the mean time. Which has my grandmother on my mind. My father too. See in order to do this, I'm probably going to have to get rid of something or put it in storage. An there is always a chance it can be ruined in storage. So it has me kinda going: Are you sure you want to do this? An making me think about them a lot. It's a late century antique dining room set. It was first my grandmothers, an later my dads. A lot of holiday dinners where eaten off this table. At hers for a very long time, then my dad's an some of the best holidays I had with my children at my old house: I raised them in. I won't sell it. Too many memories, plus it's gorgious. But I'm kinda at a loss as to what to do with it. Because I need that room for something else. I'd like to say this is a one time issue. But I've caught myself over the years constantly rearranging my living space so I can do art. An it seems like when I finally get it rearranged in a way I can actually do some work: All hell breaks loose an I end up moving things around again. So if you know this about yourself, your not quick to chuck the family heirloom. I want it some place I know it'll be safe. My daughter just bought a house, an I've even thought of giving it to her. But her house doesn't have a dinning room in it. It has a large kitchen but the three piece set wouldn't fit in it. My son is talking about moving off to college, an his place wont work for it either. An there's a part of me saying just leave it where it is, an give the house an it to the youngest. An stop moving things around. But I need the space! Lol An around an around she goes, where she stops nobody knows. Anyway, it's the issue right now. An finding another photography job part time, I'm not burnt out on. I've been doing photography almost ten years now. An the only thing that is getting me excited is the prospect of photo shooting my grandson in all the newborn posing I've wanted to do for a long time. I have the classic newborn, white glow poses I love so much, but there are others I'm exited to be able to do out of my home. An if you've read my stuff before: You'll know I get sick of white. It's time to make room for growth! But the table sure makes me miss my grandmother. To me, one of the most important things she owned was this table. An reminds me of so many holidays gathered around it with family. It reminds me of her cooking. Which she did all the time. It was her way of getting you to come spend some time with her. Then she'd catch up with you on everything going on in the family or you. I use to love spending time with this way. Even if it was her just cooking couple fired potatoes. I watch her, while she cooked and talked. An as much as she would go on about my dad talking her ear off, she was quiet the chatterbox herself. An I enjoyed these heart to hearts, that usually end with her talking you outside to see the latest in her garden. Or what she was working on out in the yard. I miss having someone I could talk to. Really talk to and trust. Conversation is one of my favorite things. A good one, is hard to find. She's been gone twelve years, an I don't talk much these days. Or it's rare. My children are too busy with their lives for it. They are usually in an out when they stop by. An I don't go out like I use to, an get into sporadic conversations with folks much anymore. My lifestyles changed a lot. I'm not in a retail environment like I use to be where I'd meet interesting people to have conversations with. An since AOL went away, so did a number of people I chit-chat back an forth with world wide. An it was the table, an thinking of her that kinda made me realize just how important a good conversation is to me. Truth is, it's why I don't get a long with certain folks either. Either they talk about others all through the convo, or lean towards weather conversations: Or frankly to busy to slow down an have heart to hearts, debates or too set in their beliefs to hold a good conversation. In fact more I thought about it, the more I kinda get why my grandmother and I where close. We enjoyed talking to one another. It wasn't unpleasant. An I know that's why I enjoyed my first husband an certain friends as well. The ability to talk about anything, an not take it to personally. So I'm missing her because there are so few that get me, or why I am the way I am. Other relatives take on it, just get on my nerves: Cause it's usually way of base. An I'm kinda laughing about that even now as I write this: Because she knew that, an would always go: Why do you care what they think? An I usually had to explain to her because lol I'm gonna get attacked by few of them thinking our relationships different then what you say. An she would be all: Well, who cares? I don't. LOL but she didn't have to live with their judgments: I have. But that's why I liked her so much: She didn't give a damn what others thought of her. She only cared about what she did of herself. It made her a great person to go an get advice from. Or talk over a issue you where having with. So, I'm missing her because good conversations are hard to come by. Or sorely lacking in my life right now. I just don't have that many “go to” people in my life anymore. Not that I ever needed a lot of them. I've always found, I needed a sounding board. One that actually had listening skills. A lot of folks don't, an there are even less of them that take the time to listen to children. An she did, an would. No matter how silly the topic the six year old brings up. She talk to you like you where having a full blown adult conversation. An this must be how I'm like my dad in some ways: He didn't talk talk to many either. An he would talk her head off. An I know her, she would him as well. Cause sometimes she did me. I'd get off the phone with my ear aching. But I miss those phone calls. I miss her. So, moving the table to set up the studio right is a hard one for me. Not sure I will. Maybe I'll just get rid of the living room furniture I don't even like instead. When’s the last time you had a good conversation?
The whole night, probably because I was sober: took me down memory lane.
When I got pregnant with my son, my dad, sister & I where just opening that bar. I was Vice President of corporation, managing it full time. Teaching my dad how to do inventory, management things I had learned along the way. Painting factories during the day an teaching my sister how to bartend at night. I had just married his father. Ended years of running my own in home daycare to be a stay at home mom for my oldest daughter. It was a time of new fresh starts in my life: Including him. My son. I was a busy woman that had to slow down just to have him. During my pregnancy I was just learning HTML. It was important to me to learn how to draw on computer an be able to post it. I started a website: Mommysbiz.com that socialized with other moms and taught others how to start your own daycare an run it. It was in Google's top ten for over five years. It became my new obsession: Making it on the internet. An him & his sister. Enjoying them. Doing art. An trying to make that site produce a income. The internet was just beginning to let sites accept credit cards. It was just starting to turn a profit three or so years later. The family business was doing well. An I was just about there in my mind to living successfully as a artist when my marriage hit the rocks. We divorced an I was approached by a marketing company to come work for them. I thought it didn't have to be the end of me doing art an went in for the interview. Only to be insulted. Seems they felt since I was self taught. I'd have to get a degree in it before they hired me. Even though they loved everything I was doing. So I went back to college. I started over. An my children watched me struggle with raising them an going to college. I'm glad I went but I never should have listened to a bunch of idiots telling me I needed a piece of paper for what I had already taught myself how to do. I had reached a level of success they hadn't. People actually went to my site often an regularly. A major feet back in the day then as it is now. I never should have let anyone tell me I couldn't do something. An I hope my son gets that. He seems to. Cause at 21 I can't tell him nothing lol He knows it all. But as the night wore on: Especially running into his dad. Another person who didn't believe me on what the Internets impact on us would be. Who gave up on me during those years. Didn't believe in me, it or the art. Who could only see the bar as a success. An it was, an is. But it didn't mean I wanted to do it for the rest of my life. No matter how good I am at managing it or any other business. I wanted. Needed to do art. So with a lot of sadness I handed it over to my sisters when my father died. There's a little regret there. Cause it is one of my babies. A part of my life I invested time and effort in. More for my father then for me. So on one hand it was, is great to visit. Take my son to, let him enjoy. But on the other: Just a chapter that has ended in my life. Couple years ago, I was just at a THIS has got to end stage in my life. I have got to be able to do art, or I'm gonna go crazy. An I finally found a job that suited me. Studio manager at Picture Me! It incorporated twenty years of management experience doing something artistic every day. I had a new lease on life. I'd wake up, happy to be alive and looking forward to each day. What I'd learn, who'd I'd get to see an interacting with people daily learning a new art skill. Plus, the years of working with children was a bonus. It was like getting paid to play for me. I took a pay cut just to be HAPPY. An I was. I was learning how to actually sell art in the “real world”. Nothing, and I do mean nothing will make an artist happier then see people actually interested in your work. Let alone thrilled with the results enough to buy it. It was my new favorite baby. An they kids did better seeing their mother doing something she loved. It validated years of me putting in a lot of hard work to become something I could do apply all those skills I had. An the internet was working for me finally too. My studio grew when others where failing. I was a happy camper. Plus I could still do digital fractal art when I got home. The world was good. Then the lay off happened. Five thousand photo studios closed over nite. I didn't give up. I filled in with a co-worker that season at The Picture People. Driving 2 hours to an from home just to keep my dream alive. Got offered the job after season but hours just didnt work with the kids. An the pay wasn't enough. I went to what I consider a inferior company: Lifetouch. I even got to travel. A long wished for dream of mine, but it wasn't the same. I went to Moms365 taking newborn pictures daily hoping it would cheer me up. But it didn't. The income just wasn't there. An I miss my studio. With daily visits from customers who give me hugs. An lot's of love. So, I'm starting over again. An that's what I was thinking about as my son turned 21. Twenty one years I have been banging my head against the wall. Trying to make all this work. Alone with three children. Trying to create a art career that works for me instead of against me. It's cost me income. It cost me a marriage. A part of successful business I had created. I even sold my house downsizing to make this dream a reality. I lost more then half my stuff. Even a portfolio I had dragged around with me since high school. Plus I lost my hard drive that held my whole life's portfolio. Even the mural I painted for myself is gone. All that exist now, of my life's work. Isn't mine. Others own it. Including the three children I made. They are full grown adults now. Can do anything they want, whether I like it or not. An me? I had a full blown melt down over the thought of having to start over at 50. Plus a breast cancer scare: And my thyroid has gone ape shit. Starting a new isn't as easy as it was back when he was a tiny baby in my arms. Starting new use to be something I loved. A fresh beginning. But this one by far is my hardest one because I can see the results of all my other efforts. An I'm not happy that others own all my efforts. That my children, an grand babies (I'm gonna be a grandma soon) don't reap the benefits of all my years of hard work. I want to leave them a legacy. So, one last time: I'm starting over. An this time: I'm gonna do it a little different. No one else is going to own my work. So my kids reap the rewards. Wish me luck. I'm starting fresh... Again. Think I can get crowd funding this time? lol |
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