Unconscious Behavior & Re-Parenting Yourself

I tried as much as I could to stay home with my children at least until they where the age of five. I did this because the basic personality is formed by that age. The video above says age seven. My logic was, if I could be the best parent I knew how to be they would have good lives. See, I always wanted to be a good mother. I mean we all do but for me it was even more important because I felt mine had failed me. I was exposed to things I shouldn't have been. Done ways that just where not right to do to a child.


I'd like to say my mother did the best she could. An maybe that is true.


That is the best she could do, but my inner child says no because it will always go back to remembering what she did to me. When my father disciplined me, it made sense. If I did something wrong, I might get spanked but there was a reason behind it. Not that I'm absolving him completely. He was heavy handed at times an there is that one time he locked me in a closet for a full day. I have not forgotten. It was wrong an it shouldn't have been done.


I told him I hated him.


Actually screamed it because I thought he was hurting my mother. They had been in a fight, kissed an made up an he was tickling her an I thought he was hurting her. So, I got very defensive of her started screaming at him. He was playing. I wasn't. He had a belt an kept snapping it at me, joking around. But being threatened wasn't a joke to me. An when I screamed I hated him, it got serious. He whipped me. Locked me in a closet in my room. I stayed there what seemed like all day crying. But I did understand why he whipped me. Screaming you hate someone isn't something you should do.


My mother did nothing.


It was the first time, my father and I had not gotten along. Normally, we did an I was pretty much glued to his side. He was more of a mother to me, then my mother. He dressed me. Feed me. Ect. An I was pretty mad at him for doing that to me. All over a misunderstanding. I defended my mother, but she never came to my aid for doing so. An that is pretty much how she's always been. Expecting me to be there for her, when she never was for me. At some point my dad had a little sit down with me an explained, he wasn't going to spank me, he was just playing until I did that. I as best as a little kid explained I wouldn't have done that if he wasn't scaring me.


I didn't agree with my dads instilling fear into a child.


Even as an adult, lectured him that was the reason him and I where not as close as we should be. Because we where close when I was a little kid. But at least his discipline had some predictability to it. I actually had to do something really wrong to get spanked. An truth is, there is a difference between a spanking and a beating. An most of the time: his where spankings. Not beatings.


My mother on the other hand, was totally unpredictable.


You just never knew what was going to set her off. With my dad, I knew what would land me into trouble for the most part with him. So it was never my dad, normally that had me walking on eggshells growing up. It was her. An she stated recently to my daughter, she doesn't know how she ended up being the “bad guy” cause she was always at work. The trouble never happened when she was at work. It was what mood swing she was having when she got home.


There was no predicting when she would go off. An her spankings where not spankings. They where temper tantrums. They where beatings. I can name three times, my dad beat me: Not spanked me. It was wrong but it was limited. With her, I just never knew what was coming. I didn't have to keep track of his mood, but hers to survive.


An that's the truth of my childhood.
I walked in fear of setting her off.


When I was maybe three? Four. Before my siblings where born. She told me to go outside and play. I went out, swung on the swing set. Got bored, came back in for something an she screamed at me to go back outside: I started to an she grabbed me, started beating me with her fist until I was down on the ground. Screaming at me: I told you to stay outside. You never listen. Then she proceeded to kick me into a corner of the kitchen between a wall an the cabinets. Screaming she should have never had me. She never wanted me and kicked me so hard in the side. I couldn't breath. I still have that pain in my side if I try to run to hard or much. Then, when I was about to pass out, she lifted me up crying saying she was so sorry.


That was a beating.


An I've never forgotten it. Or the difference in my parents styles. An it's complicated because you do love your parents. An as a child you try to understand that shit. When you never really can. I made a vow to myself, never to be that way with my children. An wasn't. I wasn't perfect but I never beat my children. An it was rare of me to loose my temper. I'd go sit myself in Zen mode, time out if one of them was pushing me to my limits. It's the best I could do.


I just really did not want to be my mother.


It stuck with me, that just wasn't any way to parent. The unpredictability. The worrying about mood swings an what would set my mother off. Once was over lent on the floor. You just never knew. It was kinda like having to always be the adult in the situation. Taking care of an adult child. Who had melt downs and temper tantrums all the time. My dad saw it. Once, she got on to me about something, don't even remember what an he stopped her an told her: No, listen to her. She's the one making sense not you. An it happened all the time at our house after DCFS.


My mother never really forgave me for DCFS.


She would say it was my dad saying this or that, but truth was he's not the one that kicked me out of the house before I finished high school. She was. Threw my stuff all over the front lawn. That kinda of stuff wasn't my dad's doing. Yet, when you'd speak to her later she'd say “he's the one that told me to do that”. I just don't believe her anymore.


I use to be pretty protective of her.


I'd help her when no one else would anymore. Then she'd turn on me again. Just like she would when I was a child. An you get sick of that. You love them because they are your parent but you don't want to be exposed to that kind of behavior all the time. I'd like to say she doesn't or isn't aware she's doing it an on some level she's not but on another she is. It's kinda like dealing with a snake, you just kinda never sure when it's going to bite you.


One minute she's all lovey dovey


Next, she's back to a hateful, bitter old hag spitting out vile to you when no ones around to witness it. I use to report in to my grandmother, literally just so you know: This is what happened this time. I didn't do this this or that. I had someone in my life that believed in me, could vent to about it. An life went on. Cause everyone in our family knows how she can be. Nice one minute, trying to destroy you the next. It's just the way she's always been.


An once I left home, it didn't really effect me much.


I just learned to help her to a degree from a nice safe happy distance. She didn't really involve herself to much with me or my children anyway. She refused to help an I was kinda grateful she didn't want to. I raised my kids, with the help of my grandmother. Someone I knew, wouldn't go off half cocked like that. Someone that had patience.


My relationship with my siblings is strained at times.


They have been since I left home. They where fine before that. Other then typical spats between children we all got along fine. I don't know what was told to them during that time period. I'm sure I was made out to be the bad guy. We for the most part got a long fine after my parents divorce but they where used like a bargaining chip at times against me. To keep me involved in a situation I really didn't want to be apart of anymore. My youngest sibling is ten years younger then me. She was like my own child in some ways.


I bottle feed her, held her, dressed her, fed her, cooked cleaned an did all the things a parent should do for their own child. I ran our household, not my mom. She worked. An that is the only good thing I really can say about my mother for the most part. She's good at her job. I'm sure there are other t hings. I mean she can be kind when she wants to be. She can be a lot of good t hings when she wants to be. The keyword is: Wants.


It kinda comes an goes regarding me an I've just learned to accept that.


She's like a child. A spoiled one who will act out if she isn't getting what she wants. When my father passed away, she moved in with my sister. She packed up her house an gave me my baby picture. It was my mother's way of saying she was done with me. An I was perfectly okay with it. She's banished me so may times over my lifetime this was nothing new. What I didn't really expect was to have trouble with my siblings. We had all pretty much gotten along just fine since the youngest moved out of her house.


There is a strain there now between us all.


An the only time I've seen it like that my mother was behind it. Everything in the estate was getting divided pretty equally and fairly up until her involvement. My grandmothers estate was divided without a hitch. No problems what so ever. There have been issues with my dads. As if I where never born. A lot of low dirty tricks played. Tricks my dad or grandmother wouldn't have never done nor tolerated. An for the most part, I've let it slide.


An here's why:


There was a point in my life, where I landed a huge bid job. The person specifically told my mother to call her girls to do the job. My sister didn't want it. She already had two jobs. I took the job. When my mother found out how much the job was worth: She demanded I pay her $5000 for a finders fee. She didn't find me the job. The woman just didn't have my phone number. My mom, was all take the job, take the job. I'll help you. Cause I wasn't even sure I should take the paint job it was so big. Had to be done in a certain amount of time an I had no crew. NO no no, take it: Ill help you.


She showed up for a hour.


Had a melt down, shit fit and left. I did the job, when I got paid she'd call me harassing me to pay her for work she didn't do. If I didn't pay her, I wouldn't see my younger sibling. She wasn't going to talk to me, blah blah blah. I finally got on the phone, called my father: told him what was going on and asked his advice because she's my mother. WTF, you do with that? He listened, an basically said “Just pay the miserable bitch” That way you never have to worry about if you did something wrong.


So I did.


She never earned it but my conscious slept well at night. I never had another involvement with her financially again. The just of it was, both him and I where worried about my younger sibling over in that house with her. If she had enough or the things she needed. So I paid it. It was ransom, we both knew it. Emotional blackmail. It's what she's done her whole life.


He was sick of it. I was sick of it.


An that conversation went a long way in repairing mine & his relationship. Cause it was clear, he was not the one doing this. It wasn't his behavior but hers. He could have asked me for a loan at that time, could have used one actually an didn't. An the one time I did loan him money, I did it without his permission because it had to be done. He actually got pissed at me for it. Thanked me but pissed all the same he was taking money from his kid.


They are different.


I saw him trying to put back together his family. All I've seen since he passed is someone keeping us all arguing. She seems to enjoy us all not talking to each other. An sits around like the innocent one. I really don't get what she gets out of it. Other then some sort of feeling like she's in control if we don't. An truth is, I don't really care anymore.


I'd just like the lady to get out of my families lives.
Because I'm not buying mrs sweet an innocent.
Or poor me.


I've gotten sucked back in too many times too when what I really want is for her to just leave me the hell alone. I love her but I don't want to be around her. It's like dealing with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde all the time. One minutes she's there for you being loving as hell, next she's using your relationships with your siblings or your kids. Threaten you in private, then playing concerned parent to the world. It's about the most frustrating relationship you could ever have with a parent. An it's not just me she does this with: If she doesn't like something my sisters are doing, she'll get on the phone an try to get me to go parent them for her.


It's put me on the defensive in personal relationships half my life, an my life has been best when she wasn't much involved in it. I can't even be myself. It's like it's forbidden. If I'm in a relationship and happy, look out: Here she comes. She's going to point out every rotten thing she can come up with to whoever I happen to be with. An if it doesn't work:


Well, she's just got you rapped around her little finger.


Do you know, how many people I've dated she's done this with. I've lost count. She keeps tabs on all my close relationships. Ex's that I don't even talk with anymore. It's smothering. It's kinda obsessive. Down right unsupportive of me as a daughter an just plain weird. An I am just at wits end with it. The more I try to just stay clear of her, the more problems she causes me in personal relationships that matter to me. Their have been several times, I've just thought about moving as far away from her as I can. Cause I just really don't know what you do with someone like this anymore.


It's a toxic relationship.


An every time I get over it. Move past it. Forgive it and get on with my life and heal. Poof! There she is again. An I feel sorry for her all over again. Find myself trying to repair a relationship that really can't be. Its not the relationship that's a problem. She's my mother an I love her but I am the target of her anger an have to remember that. She's not capable of loving me in a way that is healthy. She's just not. I accepted this fact about her a long time ago.


Probably when I was fourish.


It's not that there is anything wrong with me. Nor more then their was that day she beat me like that. This problem, was her problem not mine. An as an adult, we have to re parent ourselves. I did all that cause I know those tapes in our heads can get stuck on auto pilot if we let them. I'm a decent person. Always have been an way more forgiving then I should be. Way more tolerant of peoples quirks sometimes then most. An even screwed up people need love.


An I've tried to love her without getting side swiped in the process.


From a distance, an sometimes that puts distance between me an others there shouldn't be any distance with. My mother got on a kick, I was a bad parent. If she could prove I was, then she could redeem herself she wasn't. She started the same kind of campaign she did with my younger sibling. False claims where made to DCFS, while I was in the process of moving to another house. Using my siblings against me wasn't working, so lets try the her children. My daughters father even said it: I just thought the whole thing was a get even for you turning her in to DCFS.


Bingo


On the day I was suppose to go back to court. I was sick an just kinda said, you know what. I'm not going. I'm not going to let someone use my own child against me. I am not going to keep being put through this crap had been going on since my father passed. Let my daughter stay over there. Then at least one of my kids will learn what they are like. Not that I wanted her in harms way. My mother hasn't tried to lay hands on me since I was pregnant with my oldest. She went to attack me, I defended myself an she's too old to physically harm her. Let my daughter get a real glimpse of it. I'm going back to work. Then I'll resolve this.


So I did.


At first she was, why do you hate her: She's such a sweet lil' old lady. I don't hate her. I don't trust her. You'll see why. An recently she had to be moved over to my other sisters house to finish high school.


Why?


Because my mom is running behind her back to my sister about what a terrible kid she is. She's not. She gets good grades, on track, in choir an works. She's a pretty busy girl. But she got caught doing one thing wrong, which really in the scheme of things: Is her just being a normal teen an it got all blown out of proportion. Instead of being grounded for a reasonable time, she was grounded for months. Her phone taken away so she couldn't communicate with others. Same old physiological shit my mom pulled on me after DCFS.


So I called my other sister an asked if she could stay over there to finish high school.


Away from my mom's parenting. Her depression has lifted. She's back to her normal joyful self. My mom called once after that an hissed on in the phone about what a terrible kid she was an I just told her to go parent her own children.


Cause I'm done. Just done.
Mess with my kids.


I dare you to. My kids aren't stupid.


They can have a relationship with her if they want. They are all pretty much full grown an can make their own choices. If she tries to come between me an them: They will see through it eventually. My oldest just came up here an told me: I think money is just how she loves. I don't think she knows any other way to be. An she doesn't accept you for who you are. An I told her that. Even defended me on my moms “She's crazy” kick.


So, I don't have to be around it any longer.


I love her, but I don't like her much. She keeps yelling at me: “I'm a good person” Okay fine, your a good person. An she can be at times. That's not the part of her that always has me watching my own back when it comes to her. She has some need for mommy approval from me. Which is odd. It always has been. I've chalked it up to her mother passing when she was young. Or however her mother was with her. I don't know, she won't talk about it. Never has.


An you can't help someone who never really deals with their core issues.


An those all go back to before age five or seven. I know what my issues are. Every sore spot in my childhood. I found someone who could mother me positively. So when I think back to my childhood those are the memories I focus on. My mother resents it. My grandmother mothering me but I'd be a mess if it wasn't for her. Those childhood tapes would have got stuck in “unlovable”. It is because of her I know that I am. I could go on an function like a normal adult.


She's the one that got me into art.


It helped a lot in my childhood keeping me quiet an still, so I didn't receive wrath. It made me productive in a environment that wasn't very emotionally stable. Truth is I got kinda use to sitting calm in the eye of a storm. It made me learn to focus on something else instead of what could be bothering me if I had let it. It was therapeutic. My biggest vice growing up. It help me re direct my own thoughts away from harmful emotions. It gave me away to channel them with out being punished.


It set me free.


It gave me a outlet. A way to reprogram myself while going through stuff I really shouldn't have been put through. I'd go draw mickey mouse instead. Use my imagination to dream of better. I lived in my head a lot. An even back then told myself: She's wrong A lot. I had my pappa, grandmother an others letting me know I was loveable. I was valued. All the time, not just part of the time or when the mood struck.


My mother is trying to tell others I'm bipolar.
I'm not, but she might be.


It would explain a lot of what she's put me through. I deal with depression and PTSD but it only acts up when I'm resubjected to her behavior. They say, you have to cut toxic people out of your life. Even if they are family. I've tried that but what ends up happening is I have to cut others out of my life because of her. I just don't know what else to do with it. I'm fifty something years old. I haven't had to deal with this kinda nutty behavior in 30 years. When I did it was short spurts.


Toleration.


I know she has her issues but at some point isn't she suppose to be an adult by now?
Why must she keep projecting her mommy issues / orphan shit on to me.


An that's really was it is, a projection.


My mother doesn't really know me well. Nor, the few she gets on board for these kicks. Most that have been around for any length of time, knows she gets this way. Many have been tolerant of it. She has a couple good friends, an seems content enough with her work & life most of the time not to bother me. An I guess that's the best you can hope for. I wish she'd get real help for whatever the real underlying issue has always been.


It was there long before I came along.


She's old now, an probably never will deal with the issue. I've pretty much accepted that. But she wanted to know, why I feel the way I do. An my kids wanted to know, so here I am writing about something I dealt with a long time ago. My moms issues. It's not that she's unlovable. She just makes it difficult when you always got to worry about how your going to get burned this time for getting involved.


Love just shouldn't be this hard.


It's just easier to stay away, then to be drug into a bunch of drama.