November 30th, 2018

Looking Back To Move Forward

My son just turned 21. I took him out for his Birthday: Inducted him into what had been one side of my life for a very long time: The family bar. The business of socializing. Responsible drinking. Me playing his designated driver for the night. Everyone was there, even his dad whom I barely speak to. The 80s Hair Band even took him up on stage an sang him Happy Birthday.
. It was a good time. I was proud of him, even though he spent most of the night haggling me like he does. Teasing me in his own way that at times can be hurtful. I'm his mom after all.

The whole night, probably because I was sober: took me down memory lane.


When I got pregnant with my son, my dad, sister & I where just opening that bar. I was Vice President of corporation, managing it full time. Teaching my dad how to do inventory, management things I had learned along the way. Painting factories during the day an teaching my sister how to bartend at night. I had just married his father. Ended years of running my own in home daycare to be a stay at home mom for my oldest daughter. It was a time of new fresh starts in my life: Including him. My son. I was a busy woman that had to slow down just to have him.


During my pregnancy I was just learning HTML. It was important to me to learn how to draw on computer an be able to post it. I started a website: Mommysbiz.com that socialized with other moms and taught others how to start your own daycare an run it. It was in Google's top ten for over five years.
It became my new obsession: Making it on the internet. An him & his sister. Enjoying them. Doing art. An trying to make that site produce a income.


The internet was just beginning to let sites accept credit cards.


It was just starting to turn a profit three or so years later. The family business was doing well. An I was just about there in my mind to living successfully as a artist when my marriage hit the rocks. We divorced an I was approached by a marketing company to come work for them. I thought it didn't have to be the end of me doing art an went in for the interview. Only to be insulted. Seems they felt since I was self taught. I'd have to get a degree in it before they hired me. Even though they loved everything I was doing.


So I went back to college. I started over.


An my children watched me struggle with raising them an going to college. I'm glad I went but I never should have listened to a bunch of idiots telling me I needed a piece of paper for what I had already taught myself how to do. I had reached a level of success they hadn't. People actually went to my site often an regularly. A major feet back in the day then as it is now.


I never should have let anyone tell me I couldn't do something.


An I hope my son gets that. He seems to.
Cause at 21 I can't tell him nothing lol


He knows it all. But as the night wore on: Especially running into his dad. Another person who didn't believe me on what the Internets impact on us would be. Who gave up on me during those years. Didn't believe in me, it or the art. Who could only see the bar as a success. An it was, an is. But it didn't mean I wanted to do it for the rest of my life. No matter how good I am at managing it or any other business. I wanted. Needed to do art.


So with a lot of sadness I handed it over to my sisters when my father died. There's a little regret there. Cause it is one of my babies. A part of my life I invested time and effort in. More for my father then for me. So on one hand it was, is great to visit. Take my son to, let him enjoy. But on the other: Just a chapter that has ended in my life.


Couple years ago, I was just at a THIS has got to end stage in my life.


I have got to be able to do art, or I'm gonna go crazy. An I finally found a job that suited me. Studio manager at Picture Me! It incorporated twenty years of management experience doing something artistic every day. I had a new lease on life. I'd wake up, happy to be alive and looking forward to each day. What I'd learn, who'd I'd get to see an interacting with people daily learning a new art skill. Plus, the years of working with children was a bonus. It was like getting paid to play for me.


I took a pay cut just to be HAPPY.


An I was. I was learning how to actually sell art in the “real world”. Nothing, and I do mean nothing will make an artist happier then see people actually interested in your work. Let alone thrilled with the results enough to buy it. It was my new favorite baby. An they kids did better seeing their mother doing something she loved. It validated years of me putting in a lot of hard work to become something I could do apply all those skills I had. An the internet was working for me finally too. My studio grew when others where failing. I was a happy camper.


Plus I could still do digital fractal art when I got home.


The world was good. Then the lay off happened. Five thousand photo studios closed over nite. I didn't give up. I filled in with a co-worker that season at The Picture People. Driving 2 hours to an from home just to keep my dream alive. Got offered the job after season but hours just didnt work with the kids. An the pay wasn't enough. I went to what I consider a inferior company: Lifetouch. I even got to travel. A long wished for dream of mine, but it wasn't the same. I went to Moms365 taking newborn pictures daily hoping it would cheer me up. But it didn't. The income just wasn't there.


An I miss my studio.


With daily visits from customers who give me hugs. An lot's of love. So, I'm starting over again.


An that's what I was thinking about as my son turned 21. Twenty one years I have been banging my head against the wall. Trying to make all this work. Alone with three children. Trying to create a art career that works for me instead of against me. It's cost me income. It cost me a marriage. A part of successful business I had created. I even sold my house downsizing to make this dream a reality. I lost more then half my stuff. Even a portfolio I had dragged around with me since high school. Plus I lost my hard drive that held my whole life's portfolio. Even the mural I painted for myself is gone. All that exist now, of my life's work. Isn't mine. Others own it. Including the three children I made. They are full grown adults now. Can do anything they want, whether I like it or not.


An me? I had a full blown melt down over the thought of having to start over at 50. Plus a breast cancer scare: And my thyroid has gone ape shit. Starting a new isn't as easy as it was back when he was a tiny baby in my arms. Starting new use to be something I loved. A fresh beginning. But this one by far is my hardest one because I can see the results of all my other efforts. An I'm not happy that others own all my efforts. That my children, an grand babies (I'm gonna be a grandma soon) don't reap the benefits of all my years of hard work. I want to leave them a legacy. So, one last time: I'm starting over.


An this time: I'm gonna do it a little different.


No one else is going to own my work.
So my kids reap the rewards.
Wish me luck. I'm starting fresh...


Again.


Think I can get crowd funding this time? lol